testimony.

joy

2012-02-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

thank you, sweetest man ever.
:)

psalm 62

2012-02-12T02:11:00.000-08:00

for God alone, o my soul, wait in silence,
for my hope is from Him.

He

only

is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress; i shall not be shaken.

on God rests my salvation and my glory;
my mighty rock, my refuge is God.

right

2012-02-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

the way that david talks about the righteous and the unrighteous men of his day
makes me wonder how it is that we should feel and act towards people today.
my first thought upon observing david's strong words was yikes, calm it down yo. have a little compassion.
but i think that my reaction, as a product of American 21st century culture, is quite telling.
tolerance.
apathy.
postmodern thought.
i think that these things are normal.
but normal doesn't always constitute right.
right has its roots deep in Reality.
and reality is simply that Jesus is the way, the truth, the life.
bonhoeffer attributes much of the disconnect to the rise of the monastic movement,
which, in and of itself was not bad,
but it helped to develop a dichotomy of thought in regards to the christian life.
the truly pious devoted themselves to Word, the poor, to monestaries and cloisters,
while the rest simply lived life like everyone else. essentially. eventually.
it has since developed to the extreme. today. here.
and i don't want to be content reacting this way to things that go so completely contrary to God and his righteousness.
a new friend from class, who i will clearly be in disagreement with much of this semester, said something to me last week. and i wish i had answered differently.
the context of this situation was that we had just watched a movie in class, a movie that i found the be highly inappropriate (i wish i had not watched it).
talking with m (sitting next to me) afterward, c (the new friend) overhears the conversation and my displeasure and he adds his two cents, "oh please, it was only 12 frames. no big deal."
my response to him was tolerant, accommodating, and stupid.
if i could do it over again i would tell him that the Name of Jesus Christ deserves more respect than that, that our desensitization to sin and narcissism has no place under the authority and worthiness of Him who is the Way, the Truth, the Life.
because really, we should be disgusted to represent Him that way.
the things we watch, the things we listen to, the things we allow ourselves to think.
they all matter. they carry serious weight, whether we allow ourselves to be sensitive to them or not.
i told c that those were my values and i was disappointed, but i wish that i had held him to the same standard as one who also lives here as a representative of Jesus Christ. if i had loved him (c) better i would have pushed back and challenged him to live a life worthy of the calling that he (i assume) has received.
we are capable of living this way.
my prayer is that we hold one another to the standards of the One to whom we will give an answer for everything that we say and do,
that we would speak with boldness to safeguard His Name while we faithfully live out this vapor that is life now,
that we might accurately represent Him to the world in purity, authority, grace.

"to this end we always pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of His calling and may fulfill every resolve for good and every work of faith by His power, so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in Him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ." [2 thess. 1.11-12]

promises

2012-02-02T07:00:00.000-08:00

another blog that i [highly] recommend: 365 promises

norah komali

2012-01-27T12:59:00.000-08:00

this sweet girl is spending a few days at the children's hospital.
she's 2 months old (tomorrow).
i told jana that i am most definitely praying for them.
then i found that my first inclination was to pray for healing, health...comfort, convenience, happiness...
because this is how we pray. often, at least.
but i've been having some intriguing conversations about prayer,
reading Jesus' words in john,
and just this morning i heard this song which i love (and the story behind the song)
i am left thinking differently
and i have to ask what underlies our requests for health and happiness
and if those are really the things that God teaches us to ask for.
in john, Jesus says that if we ask anything in His name, He will do it
but i've always known that it isn't that simple.
Jesus also says that He will do what we ask of Him so that the Father might be glorified.
i read through the commentary also.
asking in Jesus' name is asking according to His character and His will
because in those days, so much more than these,
a person's name identified so much about him.
john records Jesus' words about the vine and the branches...
"abide in Me... bear fruit... abide in My love... love one another."
His concern is always for the Father's glory and that we might know Him more
because only in His presence is fullness of joy.
so, yes, my prayer is still that norah is healed, that nathan and jana might have rest,
but even more than that
i pray that they might abide in You, clinging to Your unchanging faithfulness and mercy, that because of this trial they might be rooted deeper in their knowledge of You, that they might have an even greater capacity to love because they have walked with You, even in the valley, and that their testimonies would glorify the You.

"when Jesus had spoken these words, He lifted up His eyes to heaven, and said, “Father, the hour has come; glorify your Son that the Son may glorify You, since You have given Him authority over all flesh, to give eternal life to all whom You have given Him. and this is eternal life, that they know You the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent."
[john 17.1-3]

coherence

2012-01-17T17:57:00.000-08:00

it often comes full circle.
"it" being the small details of understanding that i gain on a given day
my prayer this morning was for steadfastness.
also that the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart would be pleasing in God's sight,
because i'm finding myself more aware of the times when things come out of my mouth that i am not pleased with and that He, most certainly, would not be pleased with.
and i went to the gym
where i've been listening to matt chandler's series on the canon and the depth of our faith
[this series is apparently from a men's conference. ha. oh well.]
he references psalm 19 often.
at the end of the poem is verse fourteen,
¹⁴ Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be acceptable in your sight,
O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.

it is small, but to me not insignificant. yet one more thing that points to consistency, connectedness, and coherence of even the smallest details.

thank You.

places

2012-01-13T22:50:00.001-08:00

LOVE this blog...
blue pueblo

possess

2012-01-12T11:35:00.000-08:00

All I once held dear built my life upon
All this world reveres, and wars to own
All I once thought gain I have counted loss
Spent and worthless now, compared to this

 [knowing You, Jesus]

Now my heart's desire is to know you more
To be found in you, and known as yours
To possess by faith what I could not earn
All surpassing gift of righteousness

Oh to know the power of your risen life
And to know you in your suffering
To become like you in your death my Lord
So with You to live
And never die

fixed

2012-01-07T23:18:00.000-08:00

i find myself in a strangely restful place tonight.
strange because it is 140am and i am at work.
restful because i have, yet again, reached the end of myself, and this, somehow, feels healthy. historically, this has always been a highly frustrating experience. tonight, no exception.
i love when things are going well and i can ride on my own successes.
it feels good, it feels easy, it almost feels right.
but then revelation 2 comes rushing in and the Rider on the White Horse reminds me that my insecurities, my weaknesses, my mistakes, have a home in my self-sufficiency.
my own illustrious control, as a favorite professor suggests.
i have this tendency to place my full identity in the words of people.
i can place my value in a text message.
i'll place my hope in how eloquently i might craft my next sentence.
but it is worthless, according to paul, if my eyes are not firmly fixed on the author and perfecter of my faith.
and now this feeling is so common that it takes but a moment for me to pinpoint its root.
pride, selfish ambition, a drifting from what i have come to hold so dear...
so when i feel this way, i know that the pain of it is a gift, a gift of discipline as the author of hebrews states, whoever that author may be.
painful for a moment, but ushering in joy as soon as it has passed.

"...but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." [hebrews 12.10-11]

let us fix our eyes on Jesus.

2011-12-30T20:30:00.000-08:00

He Giveth More Grace, words by Annie J. Flint (1866-1932)

He giveth more grace when the burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength when the labors increase,
To added affliction He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials, His multiplied peace.

His love has no limit, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men,
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus,
He giveth and giveth and giveth again.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half-done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
Our Father's full giving is only begun.

El Roi

2011-12-28T06:42:00.001-08:00

God's timing and His heart. unwaveringly trustworthy.

orphan

2011-12-21T00:09:00.000-08:00

"The question, you see, is not whether God knows that His children belong to Him but whether His children know they belong to Him. There are people who have spiritually come alive to God through a relationship with Jesus, but still live as orphans because they have not come alive to His fathering love."

[Ben Pasley, Orphan Slave Son, p.4]

clay

2011-12-20T21:53:00.000-08:00

katie r asked me today what i'm learning about God.
i didn't get to answer because the time it took me to think created space for more questions
and we changed the subject.
but i kept thinking about it.
i think that i have not learned anything about Him in quite a while now,
but i have lately been confronted with the essence of who He is.
i've been learning His character in such a way that it feels foundational.
i don't read the Bible hoping to "feel" something intense or unique,
i've been reading more and listening to sermons and from these things i am gathering not necessarily quotes and verses and the things i used to look for,
but i'm walking away from these things with a sense for each pastor's, each theologian's, each teacher's understanding of how much greater God is than we.
paul writes in romans 9,

"So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills. You will say to me then, "Why does he still find fault? For who can resist his will?" But who are you, O man, to answer back to God? Will what is molded say to its molder, "Why have you made me like this?" Has the potter no right over the clay, to make out of the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for dishonorable use?"

i finally, finally, read these words and understand.
until i understand my lowly place before Him
i cannot feel confident in my knowing Him.

i'm learning a gratitude for the Gospel that i am just beginning to understand.

thank you Jesus for coming here, for showing us how to know Him, for promising to make everything right. soon.

rest

2011-12-16T21:08:00.000-08:00

the gap between blog posts has been a bit longer than i generally prefer, but i have good reasons.

i've been doing more reading than writing lately. when my semester finally wrapped up (so very cleanly) on thursday, i had this sense of rest that i had been waiting for since...well, basically since the semester began in september. this has indeed been an abnormally long semester since i took a 3-week theology class in august, and since i chose to do my internship over the summer as well. i have basically been in learning mode since the summer of 2010, but even then i was living amidst a very active community.

i have failed at sabbath these past 18 months. a professor whom i have come to admire very much spoke a few words about his own story, words that further challenged me to take rest more seriously. i, like most people i'm sure, like to think that i am somehow exempt from such a need. but don't worry...i know that i'm not.

i wonder if part of my problem is that i'm afraid to be left alone with my thoughts for too long. for a little while my bible reading was minimal as was any extrabiblical encouragement. in the last couple of weeks though God has brought about some joy-giving times for which i am so very grateful. some conversations with k&e that get a little fired up at times, those run-ins at the ever-popular starbucks location and the conversations that ensue, and, well, i could go on for quite a while with a smattering of thoughts and joys, but i want this blog to be what i created it to be.

a testimony to Jesus, my everything.

and so, tomorrow i set out on a much-needed adventure down to st. louis. i'm slightly nervous about 8 hours in the car by myself. yet, the joy set before me, a dear friend and a testimony of God's constant grace and presence, is what keeps me wide-eyed and excited.

i expect to rest as well, finally. a little reading, some more writing. new faces and inspiration. stories, smiles, laughs. eyes that sparkle with something that makes people wonder who our Jesus is.

and in chelsea fashion, i want to express my gratitude
for aleece and chels and these four walls
for men that encourage
for books and words and dialogue
for Christmas and the reality of the phrase immanuel
for kristi's little bump and impatiently waiting until june...

genius

2011-12-16T02:44:00.000-08:00

"your genius lies in your calling"
jim said this five years ago now
but it shouts to me just as loudly in december of 2011 as it did in december 2006.
it seems like a lifetime ago
in that stone building,
the first season in my life when i committed myself to humility,
when i first decided to trust Him though i had never felt whatever it was that i thought people had to feel in order to know Him.
r, who was there the year before i was, told me to go with a mind that is open, allowing the Holy Spirit to help me to discern what i should and should not hold on to.
and puzzle piece by puzzle piece i have been perceiving the truth behind jim's words.
i discover the small things that give me so much delight, the things that make me wide-eyed and curious, the things that make me laugh, the things that i love.
my small group girls are one piece. listening to them share their stories and their lives is new for me, and so good. those times when i have just a few words to share, and they listen, and God is at work.
aleece and chelsea are another piece. a surprise to me that this tiny community could be such a blessing. we kind of expected it to be a lot harder. still i don't know that i have ever laughed, walked, and opened up this much before.
my family. the tighter and tighter He draws us, the more exciting it is. and our "babies," addi- now 5 1/2, colin- now 3 1/2...malleable, teachable, curious...and the newest little niece or nephew to arrive in june...just praying over these little ones as everything that they see and hear and feel matters.
as for my genius and my calling, i just don't completely know yet.
though the world expects me to know it all, i don't. i can't. and i am content with this.
i do know that i love people- listening, encouraging, laughing with them. this may lead 50 different directions. that's fine too.
His gifts and calling are irrevocable. [rom 10.29]

ruin

2011-12-04T19:21:00.001-08:00

this settles it. pinterest is ruining my life.

matthew 6.8

2011-12-02T20:34:00.001-08:00

[Jesus, i believe you that You know what i need before i ask. i equally believe that You know what i don't need, even when i ask. my prayer is that you set up walls and open doors according to Your wisdom. mine counts for nothing if it does not agree with Yours. You are my everything.]

tea

2011-12-02T11:09:00.001-08:00

best tea ever.

lightbulbs

2011-11-27T20:50:00.001-08:00

now that thanksgiving is over, i must conclude that it was wonderful.
more specifically though, thursday was good, thanksgiving day.
but today was the gift that i had been hoping for.
as much of a battle as it was to really rest over this break,
to put all of the stressful obligations aside, to be intentionally aware and thankful,
i see now that i have quite a few joys offered to me out of these past hours.
going for a walk with sara. doesn't happen enough. praying for time and opportunity to see my sisters more.
reading the first chapter of ann voskamp's book, 1000 gifts, a new perspective, pure delight.
light! thank you will and erin for a lamp and lightbulbs. sounds trivial, but live with minimal lighting for a few days and see the effect that it has.
friendship. starbucks with emily after church, as well as seeing a handful of other dear friends.
chels and aleece finally home again. an evening baking, cleaning, with music and stories.
the girls nextdoor. beautiful beautiful and a tree that smells so very amazing.
community of brothers and sisters who share my faith, a pastor who can somehow preach both exegetically and topically, with the richness of truth and power, and humility and the spirit of God so very active.
i am thankful, now, for suffering and healing, for grand measures of such silencing grace,
for tomorrow.

great is Thy faithfulness.

²²The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
²³they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ "The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
    "therefore I will hope in him."

sight

2011-11-25T11:05:00.001-08:00

i just lose sight of Jesus sometimes.
i guess this is why the author of hebrews tells us
"let us fix our eyes on Jesus ..."
if this wasn't a problem, it could go unsaid,
but nevertheless, here we are.
here i am.
and i take such delight in holidays
because i give myself permission to compartmentalize any anxieties of life-
school work, bills, laundry-
and i place them aside for a time (not that this is completely possible).
and i think that in days like these i get a small taste of the peace that we have to look forward to,
when life will have no anxieties
and there will be no need to fix our eyes on Him
because we won't be able to look away from Him.
and His grace will be so. much. more. real.
if only we could understand the fullness of it now and love Him accordingly...

encouragement

2011-11-20T18:20:00.001-08:00

i covet your prayers.
always.
it has been an exhaustingly long week.
more and more reminders of why i rely on Jesus and not myself.
i am incapable of creating joy
or generating peace and rest.
and it is frustrating in seasons like these
because i have so much to do, but so little motivation.
and ten other things that have captured my attention.
i have a couple more long days ahead of me before i get a break wednesday and thursday.
so, i guess i am asking for a little encouragement.
if you have a verse, a prayer, a song,
a phone call, a text, an email, a letter - always very welcome and very appreciated.

(oh and i'll be up all night by the way - at work - so really, i welcome your words anytime)

whole

2011-11-18T10:10:00.001-08:00

you'll need to use a little discernment when you read through this list,

but here's one perspective on holistic health:

The Ten Tenets of Wellness

and here are a few ideas of what people are beginning to suggest as necessary tenets of overall health:

funny

2011-11-14T21:18:00.001-08:00

laying in bed for over a half of an hour, fully expecting to have fallen asleep by now.
but for some reason my mind is racing, but not with worries necessarily,
racing with some of the funniest details of these past few days.
me and katie and jim and dwight and painful laughter.
a bird, in our house, living somewhere behind our pantry. we tried, we really did. still there.
seeing dave today, sober. a breath of fresh air. (not the funny part) i told him he looks like gregory house. good to see him laugh again. seeing him reminded me of the times when he wasn't sober, when he was more than not sober, he was violently angry, high, and yelling all kinds of profanities and curses at us. and daniel (aka danmike) would throw water balloons at him from our balcony. it's funny now.
and so are chelsea's pants.

home

2011-11-11T18:32:00.001-08:00

hymn

2011-11-07T12:29:00.001-08:00

i am in love with this song.

[i'm sure that i heard it first while my mom sang along to the gaithers]

Grace Greater Than All Our Sin

marvelous grace of our loving Lord, 
grace that exceeds our sin and our guilt! 
yonder on Calvary's mount outpoured, 
there where the blood of the Lamb was spilt.

[chorus]

grace, grace, God's grace, 
grace that will pardon and cleanse within; 
grace, grace, God's grace, 
grace that is greater than all our sin! 

sin and despair, like the sea waves cold, 
threaten the soul with infinite loss; 
grace that is greater, yes, grace untold, 
points to the refuge, the mighty cross.   

dark is the stain that we cannot hide. 
What can avail to wash it away? 
look! There is flowing a crimson tide, 
whiter than snow you may be today. 
 
marvelous, infinite, matchless grace, 
freely bestowed on all who believe! 
you that are longing to see his face, 
will you this moment his grace receive?

[i kinda wish we'd sing it (and others like it) at crossroads...
just sayin')

six

2011-11-01T15:05:00.001-07:00

apparently i'm one of these now.

find out for yourself - 9types.com

The Questioner (the Six)

Questioners are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family,friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reservedand timid to outspoken and confrontative.
How to Get Along with Me

Be direct and clear.
Listen to me carefully.
Don't judge me for my anxiety.
Work things through with me.
Reassure me that everything is OK between us.
Laugh and make jokes with me.
Gently push me toward new experiences.
Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Six

being committed and faithful to family and friends
being responsible and hardworking
being compassionate toward others
having intellect and wit
being a nonconformist
confronting danger bravely
being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Six

the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind
procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidencein myself
fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of
exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger
wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right
being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Sixes as Children Often

are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, andstubborn
are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger
form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent
look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authorityand rebel
are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families,and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Sixes as Parents

are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty
are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence
worry more than most that their children will get hurt
sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

that it may go well with you

2011-10-27T20:52:00.000-07:00

praying that things go well for you.
that you might trust Him a little more, then a little more,
opening your hands only a bit further that He might pour into them the blessings that He promises.
that you continue to surround yourself with people who have an extensive root system drawing solely from [the] Living Water.
that you might go to where He walked,
that He might meet you there,
that you might find healing,
that there He might meet you with the greatest depths of His peace.
that you might see Him differently,
understand suffering differently,
and grace,
that you might know grace
and that it might become the very heart that motivates your every step and every word.
that i might rejoice at your testimony
and point to Him as the One who makes all things new.

social gospel

2011-10-27T15:11:00.000-07:00

Jesus.
our sin.
our need for His grace.
our joy in this free gift.
our response of worship to Him.
awareness. compassion.
our response of selfless service to others.
this is Gospel.
a capital G.
social gospel is...no Gospel at all.
He is in all and through all, the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. [ephesians 3.20-21]

voices

2011-10-20T12:18:00.000-07:00

when people see something in need of the influence of another voice
and they stand and speak
rather than retreating
i see humility, wisdom, and love embodied.

when people care enough to ask questions
questions that conceive from Truth itself
even though they might be followed by conflict
i see hope, hope amidst the clouds, wind, and rain.

when people hold to two things-
people and the Gospel-
in reverse order, however,
i see compassion and grace.

and i am thankful to be surrounded by these voices,
these lovingly stubborn servants
to cry and laugh with, to learn and worship with,
thank you for action. thank you for your commitment to Him.

green

2011-10-14T19:56:00.000-07:00

tomorrow.

12pm.

;)

unending

2011-10-11T08:14:00.000-07:00

I have been loving this song, as have so many of you.
A beautiful modern hymn, and so simple to play on the piano.

Download the chords here if you'd like.

And/or you can listen on youtube, 10,000 Reasons.

10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord) by Matt Redman

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

[Chorus]

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

health tip #12, a summary

2011-10-07T19:45:00.000-07:00

basic advice for those of you who have asked:

my top 6 suggestions.

1. water. avoid sodas, coffees, even fruit juices. drink a glass or two of water first thing every morning, before eating or drinking anything else. your body is still in detox mode in the mornings. help it along by flushing more of the waste out of our body. and if you can, follow up the water with some sort of melon.

2. fiber. i haven't talked a lot about this but is quite essential. high fiber foods are invaluable. some of the best options include: legumes - lentils, black beans, fruit - raspberries, pears, apples, grains - whole wheat spaghetti, bran, oats, vegetables - artichokes, peas, broccoli. to see a larger list, click here.

3. walk. seriously. you don't have to "work out" seven days a week. but walk for 30 minutes 4-5 days/week, even 15 minutes twice a day 4-5 days/week. be active. be intentional. be consistent.
however, a good workout is highly valuable as well.

4. eat more fruits and vegetables. the more you eat of the good stuff, the less you will eat of the other stuff. i suggest: eat 1 fruit with breakfast, 2 vegetables with lunch, fruit and/or a vegetable for a snack, and eat 2 more vegetables with dinner. (and the starchy vegetables don't count. you can eat them, in fact you should eat them, just don't include them in your fruit/vegetable count.)
and eat them raw whenever possible.

5. vitamins. we overlook these because they are expensive and because we often struggle to see any immediate value, but your vitamin levels affect everything. find a good multi-vitamin.
and take lots of vitamin C, especially over the winter. and if you can, get tested to find which vitamins you are deficient.

6. remember that health is holistic. it is not just food. it is not just exercise. it is not measurable by weight or clothing sizes. it depends on every area of your life. do you know Jesus? do you really know Him? do you have healthy relationships with your family? your friends? do you forgive? have you been forgiven? are you faithful to your job and your responsibilities? are you honest? do you exercise and eat well? are you connected with a healthy community that can encourage you and also hold you accountable? do you make wise decisions? are you responsible with you finances? do you make an effort to learn new things? pursue health in all areas as each one greatly impacts the rest.

rather

2011-09-27T06:36:00.000-07:00

I'd rather have Jesus than silver or gold
I'd rather be His than have riches untold
I'd rather have Jesus than houses or lands
I'd rather be led by His nail-pierced hands

Than to be the king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin's dread sway
I'd rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today

I'd rather have Jesus than men's applause
I'd rather be faithful to His dear cause
I'd rather have Jesus than worldwide fame
I'd rather be true to His holy name

be

2011-09-14T11:52:00.000-07:00

[inspired by a handful of beautiful couples who have so humbly opened their struggles up that i might see what they see. thank you for such an honor.]

walk with me, [downtown on a warm night, perhaps]
you don't have to say anything.
just be with me.
but if you do feel the need to speak,
speak of Him.
recite to me what you've been meditating on.
and walk confidently,
knowing that i don't need you to be perfect.
be a man of your word,
sure and decisive.
guard your heart and your integrity.
and mine.
seek to honor Him in all things.
know that i am overjoyed to partner with you.
be patient with me
allowing my identity to be distinct from yours.
i do not define you
as you do not define me.
ask me questions,
please don't demand that i believe things exactly as you do.
allow me to learn, aware that you are not half the teacher that He is.
love me like i matter,
like my opinions, desires, and feelings carry as much weight as yours.
love Him more than your reputation.
love knowing Him more than knowing about Him.
apologize if you hurt me.
be gracious when i apologize for hurting you.
read to me.
listen.
don't be afraid if i cry.
take responsibility for your mistakes.
love Him most.

health tip #11

2011-09-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

invest in some new running shoes.
this will likely provide more incentive for you to be more active.
[also note that even if you aren't a runner, running shoes provide more of an angle which helps to propel you along on your walk!]

health tip #10

2011-09-10T02:38:00.000-07:00

avoid fructose! specifically high fructose corn syrup
and watch this video, if you have the time. it is about an hour and a half.
i will warn you, this man is a bit intense and his teaching gets a bit technical at times, but if you can hang in there it is WELL worth it...

Sugar: The Bitter Truth
Robert H. Lustig, MD,
Professor of Pediatrics - University of California, San Francisco

Dr. Lustig explores the damage caused by sugary foods. He argues that fructose (too much) and fiber (not enough) appear to be cornerstones of the obesity epidemic through their effects on insulin.

david

2011-08-28T13:57:00.000-07:00

my little brother, a comedian -
i'll miss him when i move...
here is the text message he sent to our mom last night:

"in regards to the location i lay my head tonight, it will not be home at the dykstra ranch, but elsewhere. most plausible option being kurt's apartment. i shall reunite with you and the bloodline tomorrow for the feast. i love you. goodnight the woman who birthed my over-sized baby self."

not even kidding.
lol.

reminded

2011-08-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

my heart hurts.
for so many reasons.

i'm at work tonight
with a list of things that need to be done
and i only want my bed
where i can cry
and sleep
and learn to trust Him more.
he is right about one thing,
we are so desperately dependent on God
and if we don't see this,
we will in due time.
for me
its the fact that i couldn't sleep before work
so come 7am
i'll be going on 24+ hours wide awake
[and time couldn't be going any slower]
and when i wanted to be upset, very upset, with the one who kept me awake,
he was very sweet so i couldn't be
because sometimes God forces His grace in
and we don't have a choice,
though i wish this were the case more often than not.

i see my pride
in a light like i have never seen before
and this is one of the worst feelings ever.
there are things i wish i could undo,
things i've said that i wish i could take back,
friendships to start over,
ideas to engage,
questions not to leave unasked,
things to study,
but all the while
i have God's sovereignty to learn
because it is so often that i think i know best
and i lose myself in the excitement of
people, places, ideas, classes, dreams, friendships
when the one thing i need is this feeling;
i need to hurt
i need to be reminded
that i don't have it all together.
i don't know best.
i can never be perfect.

and comparing myself to other people doesn't help at all,
in fact, this has probably been the single most debilitating thing that i have done consistently over the past years.
r & k & i had a conversation along these lines just a couple of weeks ago
because i remember saying that the only possible response to this situation
is to look to Jesus, the cross, His grace that i have freely received but will never deserve...
therefore i remember You.

busy rest

2011-08-21T19:27:00.000-07:00

forgive me, whoever you are
because i can't remember exactly which face it was that i was talking with,
but what you said resonated with me, very much.
i am blessed beyond measure
running 100 miles and hour
doing great things
learning great things
spending time with the most wonderful of people
and all the while He is rest in busyness
but if i am honest, and i strive to be increasingly so
i do not experience such rest
and i am the only one to blame really
i don't take time to rest;
this may be one reason why i dread sunday nights so much
but this also just may be His way of forcing me to stop,
listen, reflect, read, meditate on His words, cry, laugh, write,
or simple things that i would not otherwise take the time for-
watching football with dad, tearing coupons (anticipating all of the products that i might need to buy in the next days)
and this may also be why He has handed to me a genuine blessing in the form of income
where i have hours upon hours to myself,
to listen to francis chan speak of His grace, grace grace, grace grace grace, and grace grace grace grace (you can listen for yourself if you'd like)
He knows what i need before i ask
or if i never ask
matthew 6.8
isaiah 65.1-2
always in the eye of the storm

truth

2011-08-16T10:14:00.001-07:00

we cling to it. and so we can worship.

Oh you bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I’m alive
OH YOU GIVE PEACE TO THE RESTLESS
AND JOY TO HOMES THAT ARE BROKEN
I see You now
IN YOU I'M FOUND

And You opened the door for me
And you laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
AND YOU OPENED MY EYES TO SEE
ALL THE WONDER AND AWE OF CHRIST IN ME
JESUS, YOU'RE EVERYTHING I NEED

[VERSE 2]
Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
OH YOU FIND ME IN MY WEAKNESS
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I WORSHIP YOU IN SPIRIT AND TRUTH

thanks again, friend, for a wonderful worship time last night

refines

2011-08-11T18:59:00.000-07:00

i listened to a man speak this morning,
he talked about his wife,
the challenges they had seen in their marriage, and when it almost came to an end.
he talked about his sin,
the things that he had allowed to gradually infiltrate his life,
but the most beautiful part of his story
was the pain that it took to draw him to a place where he had left neither the strength
nor the pride
to deny the mess any longer.
and God, in his grace
began to gently peel these things away
to dig the infection out
to burn down the very comfortable facade that he had created for himself.
and then
he learned to love his wife again,
the way he used to.
she learned to respond to him again,
the way she used to.
and they share their story simply as a testimony to Him.

and i wonder what project He might be planning for my heart,
for my pride, my self-sufficiency, my impatience.
and i know He is never dormant
because i feel this yanking on me when i confront myself with His words, His Word.
and honestly, it is a kind of misery because i know there are things in my life that must go.
types of bitterness, areas of frustration, days of worry, moments that lack grace.
i know that His best for me is not to feel this persistent agitation
but i know simultaneously that walking this road of humility has been healthy for me.
because there are things that He desires to strip away.
malachi speaks of Him as One who sits, and refines and purifies
john speaks of Him as a gardener, the One who prunes and cleans and lifts up
jeremiah speaks of Him as a potter who works the clay in His hands and reworks the spoiled clay.
so it is with us. so it is with me. so it is best.

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. [whether i, and you, like it or not.]

excited

2011-08-09T15:47:00.001-07:00

[ten things that i'm most excited about at the moment]

1. these bell peppers growing in our garden, farmers' markets and fresh produce

2. zinnias

3. historic christian theologies, class beginning august 17th

4. my summer internship wrapping up, all of the amazing people i have met, the things i've learned, the understanding i've gained

5. i78

6. the possibility of traveling to the netherlands next summer!

7. 8 1/2 months until graduation

8. an ipod touch, a genuine gift from friends who have been a genuine gift

9. the fair! this week in lowell

10. colorado and wonderful people.

colorado...

2011-08-07T15:51:00.001-07:00

i'm going back for a visit!
september 4-7.
yay :)

whole

2011-08-02T19:20:00.000-07:00

life
often feels
like something is missing.
i guess this is normal.
nae said once that this is the nature of people-
never satisfied, never really satisfied,
this side of eternity.
sandi told me about it as well, 2 years ago at the drive-in theater
and it’s true for me too-
and quite honestly even on the best day,
something isn’t right,
rather a lot of things are not right.
and this is why I AM SO GRATEFUL that we live with a hope of eternity-
at least some of us do,
because i can’t say His name enough
giving Jesus credit for any joy
that i experience.
and as long as we live here,
it is essential that we keep a proper view
of what we have
and what we can’t yet have...
wholeness
perfection
peace, or shalom as rod so often states.
but the One who promises these things
is knowable
so we have every opportunity to see,
for now,
a reflection,
but soon
we shall see the real thing.
this is joy.
this is wholeness.
this is peace.
this is shalom. some day.
[1 cor. 13.12]

health tip #9

2011-07-26T11:05:00.000-07:00

raw foods

What are raw foods? What is the raw foods diet? Will a raw foods diet really lead to better overall health?

Here's what you need to know about raw foods, also called living foods. A raw foods diet consists of unprocessed raw vegan foods that have not been heated above 115 degrees Fahrenheit (46 degrees Celsius). "Raw foodists" believe that foods cooked above this temperature have lost their enzymes and thus a significant amount of their nutritional value and are harmful to the body, whereas uncooked foods provide living enzymes and proper nutrition. Proponents of a raw food diet claim that there are many benefits to eating raw foods, including weight loss, more energy, clear skin, improved digestion and improved overall health. Many people clarify that they eat a "high raw" or a certain percentage of raw foods in their diet, such as "75% raw diet". A few people include raw, unprocessed dairy products in their diet, but most follow a raw vegan diet. The raw diet has seen an increase in popularity in recent years with raw food restaurants opening in several major cities.

What do raw foodists eat?
A raw food diet includes:
•all raw fruits and vegetables
•nuts and seeds
•sprouts
•roots, root vegetables and squashes
•fresh herbs and raw spices
•seaweeds

Food Matters clip about raw foods

and another discussing the healing properties of raw foods

raw foods shopping list: (just a few options)

Produce
* Avocados
* Apples
* Bananas
* Broccoli
* Celery
* Carrots
* Cabbage
* Cucumber
* Green/String Beans
* Grapefruit
* Ginger
* Green Leafy Veggies
* Seasonal fruits
* Fresh Herbs (parsley, basil, etc.)

Nuts & Seeds
* Raw Almonds/Almond Butter
* Raw Hemp Seeds
* Flax Seeds
* Pine Nuts

Grains
* Wild Rice
* Quinoa
* Buckwheat

oh joy

2011-07-15T08:20:00.000-07:00

praying with people must be one of the greatest purposes for which God has created us.
in the past 6 months, i haven't prayed with people as much as i have this past week,
and i haven't felt better.
prayer, in its truest sense
draws out honesty, unity, freedom, and joy.

health tip #8

2011-07-13T06:33:00.000-07:00

"Walking is man's best medicine."
-Hippocrates

There's a wealth of research to prove that walking is good for you and the results are impressive: major reductions in both diabetes and heart disease, decreases in high blood pressure, increases in bone density, and more, all follow regular walking exercise.

Experts agree that physical activity is one of the cornerstones for good health, and walking is one of the easiest (and cheapest) ways to be physically active. All you need is a good pair of shoes, and you can do it almost anywhere and at any time.

Experts also agree that all you need is 30 minutes of moderate-level physical activity on most days of the week to see health benefits. Brisk walking is considered a type of moderate-level physical activity.

You can even divide the 30 minutes into shorter periods of at least 10 minutes each. For instance, use stairs instead of an elevator, get off a bus one or two stops early, or park your car at the far end of the lot at work.

upward

2011-07-10T16:59:00.000-07:00

worship isn't lonely,
i look forward to the day that i can worship with people. 24/7.
as for now, i wish i could play the piano...or sing...or both.
i want to learn to constantly orient my thinking and my attitude around the reality of the cross and the resurrection:
Jesus.

[romans 1.20]

7.5.11

2011-07-05T17:20:00.000-07:00

praying for a new season
[good-bye facebook, hello real people]

i like change
i like new
but i've never been good with it all at once
and for some reason summers feel this way.
i wait so impatiently all winter
for warm weather to finally show its face
and when it does
it brings with it so much else.
and all of the extras,
historically and presently for me,
have proven to be splendid
so i'm not complaining
[learning this too]
i'm just thinking out loud-
but that's what a blog is, no?

so in this quest
i know my most basic need.
it's always the same.
this Book that i say is my very life
yet lately it doesn't seem so.
because i choose other things to occupy my time
and at the end of the day,
these other things [though not bad things at all]
make me sick
while the one thing, the one Voice that will make me well
remains closed
or even open, just quiet.
and it is my choice
because i do have a will
though He continues in sovereignty, love, grace.
sure i read some of these words every day
but it is only a discipline
and while disciplines are good
they can't be the ground on which we build
faith.
i've watched this mistake
and clearly i've made the same mistake myself enough times,
but when that same emptiness is still hanging on
i have to be shaken to be reminded that
my life
is not
my own
and i live so often as if it is
as if it is under my control
as if God can be manipulated by our filthy rags.
[isaiah 64.6]

so for the next weeks or months or years
i am praying for a few things
and i would be honored if you wanted to join with me

i'm praying for my family, that each of us might know Christ and/or know Him more
i'm praying for ross and kristi, their marriage that begins 17 days from today
i'm praying for myself to better understand joy through the grace of Jesus
i'm praying for brad and kim and their boys
i'm praying for the southeast side
i'm praying for the Church to trust Him and to be obedient
i'm praying for 105 beautiful people that i hope to know better
i'm praying that His Name is exalted

health tip #7

2011-06-15T10:23:00.000-07:00

bob harper, from the biggest loser, suggests this list,
his top five "fat-blasting" foods:

1- oatmeal
2- apples
3- black beans
4- green tea
5- sweet potatoes

health tip #6

2011-06-15T06:09:00.001-07:00

good friends

no, you can't eat them.
but they're good for your heart, your mind, your soul,
and they make you laugh.
good friends keep you accountable and ask tough questions.
at times they tell you what you don't want to hear;
they teach you humility.

good friends reflect and point to Jesus,
they're humble, selfless, compassionate, and
they're not perfect either,
but, chosen wisely, they will shape you into the best possible you.
make time for good conversations.

365

2011-06-12T23:52:00.000-07:00

another year is passed.
and much has changed.

"26 is a good year," a friend told me.
and i believe her.

and i believe Him
and my foremost prayer is that 26 teaches me to believe Him more
because He has stirred in me this desire to better know His promises

at 26.

addi flopped down next to me as i am typing.
"whatcha doin' tam? can i help?"
"sure babe. i turned 26 on sunday and a new year is always special. how is the next year going to be special?"
"i know! because Jesus died on the cross!"
"absolutely."

and honestly, she couldn't be more accurate.
i hope that this is the one reality that defines 26.

a promise from 1 peter
3b-5
in His great mercy He has GIVEN us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance
that can never perish, spoil or fade--
KEPT in heaven for you, who through faith are SHIELDED by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time.

love Him.
trust Him.
believe Him.

::thank you::

2011-06-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

it has been a gift for us to have this invitation into your hurt, a very bittersweet gift.

please know what a testimony you and your family have been as you have so honestly shared your pain and this agonizing healing process in front of a watching world and a community of people who are learning to trust Him more because of your humility.

i know that the wonderful friends and amazing family surrounding you will still never be capable of fully empathizing with you.

no one else will ever understand what you are experiencing as no one else knew that man and that boy the way that you did.
and i imagine that this is the hardest part of it all.

you come to church week after week, still broken, tears evidence that this struggle is not one that will not be short-lived
(as much as i wish it could be, for you)

thank you for living your story so openly.
thank you for clinging so tightly to His goodness.
thank you for the constant reminder that we live with hope only because of the promise of His return.
and redemption, reconciliation, restoration.

and the reputation that your husband left
speaks volumes about the woman that you are,
your integrity
your discernment
your grace
your humility
your love.

thank you for continuing to persevere.

may He grant you a greater measure of His grace and peace.

numbers 6.24-26

health tip #5

2011-06-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

raw foods

are ideal for good health.

raw foods include plant foods, such as fresh fruit and vegetables, sprouts, seeds and nuts.

use the "crowding out" theory and incorporate more of these foods and less of the processed, preserved, and cooked foods.

Fruits

Staple fruits include:

Apple
Avocado
Banana
Blueberry
Dates
Grapes
Lemon
Lime
Mango
Orange
Raisins
Raspberry
Strawberry
Young coconut

Vegetables

Staple vegetables include:

Bell peppers: red, orange, yellow
Celery
Garlic
Ginger
Jalapeno pepper
Kale
Lettuce
Onion
Spinach
Tomato
Zucchini

Nuts and Seeds

Dried, raw, and preferably organic.

Almonds
Cashews
Macadamia nuts
Pine nuts
Flax seeds
Chia seeds
Hemp seeds
Sunflower seeds
Raw almond butter
Nut "nutter"
Nut "milks"
Seed crackers (e.g. chia, flax)

Grains

Millet
Buckwheat
Quinoa
Oats

Beans and Legumes

Dried, raw, and preferably organic.

Lentils
Chickpeas
Adzuki beans
Mung beans

Oil

Cold-pressed, extra-virgin olive oil
Raw, virgin coconut oil
Raw coconut butter
Chia oil

Beverages

Water
Vegetable or fruit juice – freshly squeezed or frozen, unpasteurized
Young coconut water
Herbal tea (made with water heated to less than 118 F)

Miscellaneous

Young coconut
Carob powder
Raw cacao nibs
Raw protein powder
Raw vegan ice cream
Fermented foods such as miso, kimchi and sauerkraut

Herbs, Spices, and Condiments

Bragg’s raw apple cider
Bragg’s liquid aminos
Cayenne pepper
Celtic sea salt
Chocolate, raw
Cinnamon, ground
Cumin, ground or seeds
Curries
Dill
Nama shoyu (raw soy sauce)
Raw honey
Himalayan salt
Seaweed
Sundried tomato
Vinegars

Sweeteners

Raw honey
Agave nectar
Coconut nectar
Stevia
Date sugar
Yacon

Animal Products

In addition to plant foods, some raw foodists eat raw animal foods such as raw eggs, fish and meat, and non-pasteurized, non-homogenized milk, yogurt and cheese.

Fish
Beef
Gravlax
Proscuitto
Milk
Raw milk cheese
Organic egg

peppermint

2011-06-02T17:18:00.000-07:00

peppermint lemonade

lemons
water
fresh stevia leaves or maple syrup or both
fresh peppermint leaves

blend. share.

right

2011-05-30T16:22:00.000-07:00

mom was right.
the front porch is amazing on a hot afternoon.

and i was right
that i definitely haven't spent much time online lately.

but you better believe that life hasn't stopped running full speed.

and with quite possibly a quarter of my FLI class filtering back to the springs...
i don't know.
and sarah and missy and jeremiah talking about zambia
and kris and emily taking a little vaca to the beautiful middle east
and only 6 classes left before i am a college graduate
and so many wonderful living and working opportunities
and beautiful people
and encouraging words
and confirmation of God's sovereignty, goodness, and compassion
over and over
and friendships that i would never have thought possible
and people who have struggled, now making good decisions

LIFE and HOPE are abundant
because He offers the greatest measure of grace that i could ever receive
and like rod said
unless i remind myself and accept Him every day of my life
i will not understand
because He is everything.

in Him we live and move and have our being.

and sarah young's daily reminder has helped to set my perspective as well.
in His presence is fullness of joy.

health tip #4

2011-05-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

house plants

houseplants can be very beneficial as they purify and renew our stale indoor air by filtering out toxins, pollutants and the carbon dioxide that we exhale - replacing them with oxygen

NASA studied the effects of houseplants on indoor air and found these, among others, to be very beneficial:

chinese evergreens
aloe vera
spider plants
chrysanthemums
gerber daisies
common english ivy

treat

2011-05-12T10:37:00.000-07:00

a simple little recipe from a great friend.
mix, ball, and eat. so good!

2c Old fashioned oats
3/4c Peanut butter
1/2c Honey or maple syrup
1/4c Carob chips or chocolate chips
2-3 T Wheat germ
2-3 T Finely shredded coconut (unsweetened)
1 T Sunflower seeds hulled
2 T Flax seeds
1/4c Raisins or craisins (optional)

the kids call them bocce balls,
but you can call them whatever you'd like :)

sunday nights

2011-05-08T16:22:00.000-07:00

i don't like them
and i am trying to understand why this is.
sundays generally consist of a group of rowdy kids first thing in the morning
during the 9am service.
then i join in for the 1115am service
worshiping alongside a beautiful community of broken but rooted people.
then i head straight home to a crazy house full of 10 to 13+ people
food and kids and stories and laughing
cleaning and dancing and planning and resting
then everyone disappears and...
i think that i am an extrovert.
[and i am impatient for august 1st]

however, this is the sun that flows through the windows in the afternoon and evening and i don't complain about this.
this little farm is wonderful.
and by the way, to the left, next to the fence, is where the garden will be so soon.
i really am blessed.

health tip #3b

2011-05-05T06:02:00.000-07:00

other garden options

if you have limited space, try a raised bed

or you might prefer gardening pots

or even a topsy turvy tomato planter

there are plenty of options so excuses are at a minimum.
keep healthy, fresh foods around as much as possible!

health tip #3a

2011-05-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

plant a garden

planting a vegetable and fruit garden will promote good health and exercise.
by planting and tending to your garden you control what you eat as well as how it is grown plus - it just doesn’t getting any fresher than this!

health tip #2

2011-04-28T06:41:00.000-07:00

crowding out

most nutrition experts give their clients a list of foods to
avoid, which explains why so many people are turned off by
nutrition.
crowding out means you add more healthy food to
your diet rather than cut back on the foods you enjoy.

[from the institute for integrative nutrition]

Lord

2011-04-27T08:40:00.000-07:00

For to this end Christ died and lived again, that he might be Lord both of the dead and of the living.

Romans 14:9 (English Standard Version)

His end was that we might know Him as LORD.
but Savior is where so many people stop.
if we know Him foremost as Lord, He is also Savior,
but if we know Him foremost as Savior, it is unlikely that we will know Him as Lord.
welcome to america.

bonhoeffer discusses the repercussions of this cheap grace in
The Cost of Discipleship.
i recommend it.

health tip #1

2011-04-25T15:57:00.000-07:00

water

water pangs are often confused for hunger pangs.

next time you're hungry but you haven't missed a meal and it isn't a meal time, drink water.
or might i suggest peppermint tea :)

family

2011-04-20T19:55:00.000-07:00

God has been hugely active in our community this week.
we are wrecked along with the taatjes family, although hardly comparable.
i doubt that we will understand in this life
which has forced me to ask the most fundamental questions
leaving me philosophically quite frustrated
but theologically, so much more humbled
and had it not been for this family that i call crossroads bible church
i am not sure i could have come to this place of acceptance.
who can let go of a little boy this precious and a man who reflected Jesus this intensely
without blaming God for what seems to be so unfair?
a woman so beautiful yet so incredibly broken -
to watch her so graciously thankful for the people around her,
to hear her cries knowing that her life is forever changed.
to look into her eyes, to hurt with her,
and to plead with God to fix it for her or at the very least to take the pain away.
how are we supposed to do this?
pain and exhaustion characterize so many people
and i mean so many people.
how one family has touched so many hearts is beyond me
but also not - because i've seen the care in derek's eyes;
i've seen the life in dylan's little face as i have held that tiny little boy;
i've seen the love of a family, living for Jesus, enveloping those around them.
to see those sweet girls who still don't understand
and to wonder what these next days and weeks will be like as reality starts to draw nearer to them.
a family devastated. a church shaken to the core. a city watching.
but a God who is still good.
a wife who stands at her husband's funeral and sings those words
and posts on facebook that He is faithful and His mercies are new every morning.
charity, His strength is so bold in you.
oh that He would make His peace and His love heavy upon you and your family.
and a community, a massive family, comes together
and the small things don't matter anymore
and we see this Gospel that brought us together in the first place.
a friend put it best when he observed that this church is "so incredibly healthy."
many of those hurting the most are the very ones caring for the rest.
this pain has not separated, but gathered those of the same heart
and Jesus is exalted
even when we don't understand.
more and more, though, we understand that this life is empty
its purpose is small
for our citizenship is in heaven
and we desire that eternity.
we desire our King to return now and fulfill His promise that
there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain
and we can't wait.
and derek and dylan don't have to anymore.
my friend's 3-year-old gets excited when his mommy explains to him that someone has gone to be with Jesus.
in his innocence he understands something that we have yet to grasp
but for now, for us, pain is real
and we're so grateful that unity is a reality as well.
thank you to those in leadership who have stood so firm in the storm
thank you to our loving Father who has his boys safely in His presence
thank you that we do not grieve like those who have no hope
thank you for surrounding us with each other.
we anxiously await the day that we can celebrate with derek, charity, ella, jojo, and dylan as they worship together once again.

derek and dylan

2011-04-17T15:09:00.000-07:00

"suffer well."
i remember these words from one of rod's sermons in the last few years
and now i watch a community devastated by a tremendous loss
and i see thousands of people suffering
so well
and i'm blessed to be a part of this family.

praying with friends at the gathering this morning
it was clear to me that we could cry everyday for a year
and sing worship songs for weeks or months
and our brother derek would not be the least bit impressed
unless we experience Gospel change.
his concern at this moment would not be that he left a legacy or a good reputation
but that because of his life other people desire to know Jesus Christ or to know Him more

i listened to this last night
Acts 2 [December 12, 2010 - Crossroads Bible Church - Derek Taatjes]
i am convinced that in sharing this message derek was filled with the Spirit
and i was confronted by his challenge
and i realized more than what i was comfortable seeing.
"are you devoted to the Word? do you survive on it?"
"prove to be my disciples in that you bear much fruit" [john 15.8]

[acts 2.42] "they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer."

i know that i desperately need to be so much more changed by the Gospel.
i desperately need the Word
and people
and to remember what God has done
and to learn to rely increasingly on His loving sovereignty

i am so grateful for one man's relentless commitment and uncompromising dependence on His Savior.
i am forever grateful for the example of one man's humble service and complete commitment to his wife.
i am overwhelmed by the depth of love that he possessed for his beautiful girls and precious son.
my heart hurts for the pain that they experience.

charity, ella, johanna, you are so. very. loved.
your community cares so deeply for you
and we plead with our God for His peace that transcends all understanding
while we celebrate derek and dylan.

continue to suffer well
for one day you will stand with your husband, your father, your son, your brother,
and you will share in the GLORY of HIM who makes sense of all things.
and in this eternity you will stand together again.
and this is why we hope.

one day He will set all things right.

say

2011-04-08T08:39:00.000-07:00

i haven't written here for a while.
and this isn't because i have nothing to say
in fact, one might interject on my behalf that it is because i have too much to say.
starting with the weekend trip at ETS 2 weeks ago
so glad that katie went as well, and that mat was so willing to explain, discuss, question. it was heavy, fruitful, shaping...
and i've been so very busy with classes and classwork.
i'm still loving it. i know that a year from now i will not miss the work, but i will always long for this learning.
i bought a car, picking it up today. a payment plan and a blessing actually.
i started a job, at a greenhouse. i've never been more excited to work with plants and dirt and people even if that means that i'm standing and walking for hours every day.
and i'm applying to bethany christian services for an internship.
i LOVE thursday nights and our little community that gathers for the truth project. kris and em, katie, jay, kristi, leslie, crystal, y yo.
addi's fancy nancy bday party, people having babies, weddings, gardens, sunshine...
and...my sister is getting married this summer. CAN'T WAIT for that party :)

so there's a quick blurb. joy.

:(

2011-03-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

i = sick.
prayers welcome.

Reflect

2011-03-05T15:23:00.001-08:00

I’m not sure how clear it was in my symposium speech that my time at FLI made a profound impact on me. Just tonight I explained to a professor the greatest difference that I have experienced after returning back to Michigan from Colorado Springs. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy school before, but now I engage my classes differently, I engage in the content and discussion more than I ever have.

I know that I carried a level of laziness before. Things like theology and philosophy are difficult subjects for me. They are heady and involved and abstract. I am concrete and black-and-white. So because these areas were a lot for me to take, I tended to avoid them. I would participate when something of specific detail caught my interest or something that I felt knowledgeable about. Fear in many ways, pride in others. Or quite possibly much of both.

But something changes when you find yourself surrounded by professors, both educated and also extremely zealous for the things that they teach. They require that you read and read and read, and they don’t necessarily demand that you engage with the material, but they conduct their classes (and their lives) in such a way that you can’t really avoid engagement.

So this was the shift for me. In many ways I grew up last semester, and I almost wish I could go back and re-do the last 3 years that I spent in college because I wish that I had walked into each class with this eagerness. I know how to listen like I didn’t before. I know how to ask questions. I know how to approach disagreement with a curiosity rather than a spirit of opposition. (And as much of a challenge as the JFA experience was, this was a monumental piece of instruction that I now take into so many conversations and situations.)

I believe in myself and my ability to understand. This isn’t something that I could say before. I didn’t believe in my intellect, but it is a beautiful thing when you come to the end of yourself after wrestling with these questions. It is a beautiful thing when you are embraced by people who provide a safe environment for you to ask questions, and who aren’t afraid of your failures, and who don’t care how much you know.

It feels great to dream outside of anyone’s expectations. It feels great to trust far beyond myself. It feels great to hear from my professors that they are excited that I am going with them to the conference in Cincinnati. I’m going this year because I don’t feel inadequate. I’m going because I have been invited and because people believe in me. It is no small thing to feel safe and loved.

People either reflect Jesus or they don’t. I’ve been blessed by those that do.

yet

2011-02-27T15:03:00.000-08:00

habakkuk 3.17-18.
though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet i will rejoice in the LORD,
i will be joyful in God my Savior.

this is my honesty.
i'm not going to pretend that life is simple
or that i can make it what i wish it were.
i so need to learn more to trust Him who is faithful.
there is rest in that
and peace that i forget.
but something has to change

because i have every reason to rejoice amidst hardship.

pamukkale

2011-02-20T16:59:00.000-08:00

is a city in turkey
formerly heiropolis.
it was known for its natural hot springs and we enjoyed it.
immensely.
one night we stayed at a hotel with pools and springs
and i remember having a great time with everyone that night.
i even remember specifically some of the things we talked about
and some of the really odd comments that were made...
i treasured that community.
and i treasured the one at focus,
the one on the westside,
and this one at crossroads, though things have changed a bit.
i remember pieces from each experience
pieces that i love and wish i could have again
and pieces that i wish hadn't had such an impact.
i loved the common vision that we shared in these places.
i loved the like-mindedness.
i loved the humility that i met.
i miss these qualities.
i miss mallory.
i miss katie russell.
i miss the friends at the west campus.
so much has changed
and i sometimes miss how things were.
but - i'm glad for the time that has gone by
because of how much i've changed.
in 4 years since i came home from israel.
in 6 months since i moved from the westside.
in 2 months since i've been home from colorado.
i'm not who i was
and these precious communities have had such an impact.

so i mourn what was
while realizing that had it not been
what will be could not be hoped for either.

glorious

2011-02-16T17:49:00.000-08:00

living He justified freely forever.

Glorious Day by Casting Crowns

men

2011-02-09T13:28:00.000-08:00

there are so many who have taught me
many who have shown me what the word means.
the smallest details that no one but me would necessarily value.
a friend who speaks kind words
such that i come close to tears later that night
a friend who asks just to talk
and who doesn't let me pay.
and friend who isn't concerned that i make mistakes.
and those friends who, so committed to their wives, can still care about me
and treat me in every interaction like as if they can see the hope in my future.
friends who teach and teach and teach
patiently.
men who are men
only because they are committed to Jesus.
humble.
gracious.
they listen.
they ask questions.
they help me to answer
and they give such wonderful advice.
men who are a big deal
yet they know what's going on in my life.

thank you for a kind word spoken
thank you for a moment taken to ask how i am
thank you for showing me what can be
thank you for the sacrifices you have made to love others well
thank you for the ways that you have safeguarded and worked to love your wives and children
thank you for setting a standard.

thank you for gently caring for your little boy who is so sick.
thank you for admitting to your wife that you made a mistake, for saying you're sorry.
thank you for picking up that girlfriend of yours for that special date...even though she lives far away.
thank you for loving your wife through that challenging pregnancy.
thank you for quitting your job to take care of her as she struggles for life at the end.
thank you for working so hard to understand why she's hurting.
thank you for making time for her.
thank you for communicating your frustrations rather than choosing passivity.
thank you for being so committed to your marriage.
thank you for taking that precious little girl to the daddy daughter dance because it meant so much to her.
thank you for showing me so boldly what "man" means.

i've been so blessed by so many of you.
thank you for being like Jesus.

design

2011-02-03T20:34:00.000-08:00

what is it?
that thing for which God has designed YOU?
passion, calling, purpose, whatever you might call it,
that thing that we search after...
it can come out of a life of learning.
or it can come as a forerunner to a life of learning.
i know girls who have wanted to be nurses since they were 6. and now, they are nurses; they are amazing at it; they know that this was the design that God had in mind for them.
i know people who have discovered that very thing after retirement.
one reason for this is that people are so vastly different. our stories are so meticulously incomparable...there is no mold to which a life must conform to answer this question.
and i know people who are still so curious...
but these people handle this one of two ways.
either, they act as if they have it all together; they "know" what their life's purpose is; they seem so confident.
yet, they fear and they worry and they never feel good enough.
but they act like they do. they have answers to people's questions. they have plans that they share when asked, even if they don't really believe in them themselves. actually oftentimes, they inwardly struggle to share these plans with others because of the extent to which they lack belief in it.
they pick something, probably a thing in which people have affirmed them, and they decide that this thing must be that which God has designed them for.
but they know sleepless nights too often. they know tears whether they manifest in physicality or not.
i've been here; this is why i can talk like this. and i think that sometimes i still am there, but one thing, at least, has changed. i don't feel the pressure to know the outine of my life like i'm somehow in control of it.
i am learning to accept that for someone who has been called into relationship with Jesus Christ, it is okay not to know. because He does. and in His time, He will make evident all that we need to know.
and he offers this beautiful freedom, taking one step at a time, because of the depth to which you know the grace that He gives, the sovereignty that He holds, the love that He defines which ties everything else together in perfect unity.
He's good. and His plans are for our good.
and we bring glory to Him when we rest in this reality.
and this is the other way that people handle the not-knowing. and these people are far more rare. but they experience so much more joy. and as john piper points out, God commands that we not merely seek Him, but that we seek JOY in Him. and this fruit is a huge deal.
this is how you [and i] can rest in the unsureness. find peace in the waiting. yet, work with diligence and hope, knowing that He who has called you to Himself is faithful, that His design for our world includes you in such a precious space that is only yours to fill.
be humble. be persistent. ask questions and know Truth from falsehood.
let Him be sovereign.
seek the invaluable vulnerability within a community of people who are seeking after God. talk about your fears. ask for prayer. let people speak into your life. study God's promises. know and be known.
let Him transform and teach and guide.
believe that "your genius lies in your calling" and that He created that genius.
trust Him and be obedient when and only when He leads.

perspective

2011-01-22T20:24:00.001-08:00

suffering is a beautiful thing.
i can say this because i have been taught that the sovereignty of God is the most foundational thing a person can hold to.
i've been taught it
and i've tested it
and i've found it to be true.

perspective is a choice.

kindness

2011-01-20T21:08:00.001-08:00

God has brought me through some challenges
all things that i would never wish to repeat
but all things that i would not change were the opportunity to exist.
He has allowed me to be pushed beyond the point of frustration
to the point of asking questions
that, unasked, would have deceptively left me feeling far safer.
and this made me to wonder how many unasked questions have i missed out on?
out of how much have my insecurities and fears cheated me?
and as is the pattern of thought in which i have recognized God's leading so many times before
i have been finding myself drifting back to full half of the glass.
i see how this past semester at Focus has played such an indispensable role in shaping my very perspective of myself.
i see how the people around me have so uplifted me that i have consistent reminders of the hope and the joy set before me.
i'm no longer afraid to dream of things that i feel God has stirred in me
even though i don't have the entire syllabus of my life printed and stapled in the top left corner.
i think that for a long time i have been afraid to own the dreams that occasionally surface in me. i've been afraid because i don't have all of the answers to everyone's questions and when i cannot answer their questions my first assumption is that i must be doing something wrong.
but what i know is that the things that i know in my spirit- eloquently explainable or not- have never proved false.
the more that i seek to learn His face, the more that i uncover my uniqueness, my value, my place.

before now i have lived with this disguisable anxiety - insecurity - such that everywhere i went, everyone i talked with, i just hoped that i would say that right things, tell the right stories, prove myself in some way that they would affirm my adequacy, my competency. but as many people as encouraged me in this way, it was never going to be enough.
unless i believed it of myself.
all things must die before they can live.
and He has been walking me through this magnificent fiery purification process
through which so much falsehood has been burned away.
yet the things that He says are of gold remain,
His presence being the one of greatest value.
His Word.
His beautiful people around me.
my character, my personality, my dreams
because of Him.

and i have had to come to learn that as He has faithfully led me out of each of these crucibles that i have encountered, He just as faithfully led me into each of them
because the way that He cares for each of us is no different from the way that He cared for the nation of Israel.
in deut 8 He said that he led them into the desert and humbled them in order to test them and to know what was in their hearts.
and it is so clear to me that He orchestrates this leading, humbling, testing, not because He needs to learn their hearts, but because He knew that they needed to learn their hearts.
and we are no different than they.
i am no different.
i need to see the depth and consistency of my disobedience
to understand the depth and consistency of my absolute need for His grace.
and this is why i can look on these challenges that He has so sovereignly led me into
because it is His kindness that leads us to repentance
and it is His grace that leads us into places where we can see so clearly.
this is Love.

authenticity

2011-01-14T13:34:00.000-08:00

i love jj heller

she writes beautifully
and sings authentically
out of an abundance
of life

...

I’m not the clothes I’m wearing
I’m not a photograph
I’m not the car I drive

I’m not the money I make
I’m not the things I lack
I’m not the songs that I write

I am … who I am
I am who I am

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

I’m not the house I live in
I’m not the man I love
I’m not the mistakes that I carry

I’m not the food that I don’t eat
I’m not what I’m above
I’m not my scars and my history

There are true things inside of me
I have been afraid to see
I believe, help my unbelief
Would you say again what you said to me
I am loved and I am free
I believe, help my unbelief

To your love I’m waking up
In your love I’m waking up

True Things

...

abide

2011-01-08T14:16:00.000-08:00

1 john
for 40 days
takes discipline.
but i'm gleaning truth of immeasurable value.
abide
abide
abide.
22 times john uses this word [esv]
to speak direction,
to- no doubt- bear testimony to the life that He has lived
and to share the key to joy
and the key to his assurance of salvation.
because to abide in Him is the only way to be sure.
john says, "and now little children, abide in Him so that when He appears we may have confidence and not shrink from Him in shame at His coming..."
and "...whoever abides in love abides in God and God abides in Him. by this is love perfected with us, so that we may have confidence for the day of judgment, because He is so also as we are in this world."
and finally john states, "i write these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God that you may know that you have eternal life."
john knew that a person lives one of two ways-
abiding in death
or abiding in life

and we
have passed out of death
into life
because we love.

abide. in. Him.

questions

2011-01-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

it is so good to sit with great friends,
under great teaching,
continually pointed to a great God
and grace.
romans 6.1-18.
everyone is a slave - either to sin or to righteousness.

i have pride
that comes from comparing myself with other people.
and in reality i should be comparing myself
not with people
but with Jesus
then i would realize how far i fall short of all that i was intended to be
but the beautiful thing is
that He willingly makes up the difference
simply because He loves me.
He relinquished all entitlement, honor, pride
and became a slave to obedience and therefore to righteousness
and made it possible that we
might be raised with Him

"if you're ever going to experience DEEP CHANGE you have to understand GRACE."
"if you can't humble yourself, you'll never accept God's grace."
"some people so want this grace to be dependent on their works that they might have reason to boast in the flesh."

and pride ≠ humility
lacking humility leaves no room for the application of grace
and grace that is not applied is cheap
and worthless
and when we, in our pride, fail to receive what Jesus has freely given to us
i dare say that we stand in blatant denial of the power of God

and i found myself questioning Him like i never have before.
i found myself doubting like i never have
i found myself wondering if any of this is real
and i had to weigh my options
but if all of my wondering had any reality to it
i struggled to see how i could go about living any other way.
and this isn't because of habit or tradition because these things alone have never proved to be enough
but i look at the lives lived around me and in front of me
and i see without question the best possible way to live

1. joy. not to be confused with happiness, i observe joy as this thing that is an outward reflection of an inner state of peace.
2. contentment. hopeful perspective within an eternity-long meta-narrative.
3. transparency. openness, accountability. a belief that weakness does not denote failure but simply humanity.
4. intimacy. real relationships with real people, knowing and being known.
5. vision. dreams and goals due to an understanding of individual worth and belief that each person has a specific, design and purpose.
6. morality. right prevailing over wrong.

i see these things in the people that i know that love Jesus.

i lived for months among the jewish culture. these people are active, ambitious, hard-working -
but their joy wanes as their hopes for a messiah remain unrealized
and i lived for months among a community of muslim families. they are beautiful, busy, intelligent - but their transparency and intimacy lack as their lives are poured into performance based on conventionality, traditions. their joy is limited. their morality is tied up in obligation.
i have spent time with mormon friends, but i only observed more of the same.
i've studied among atheists and agnostics but the restlessness there edges out contentment and joy.
i find myself in a context saturated by postmodern thinking.
the desire for joy is overtaken by the pursuit of happiness , instant gratification regardless of its temporariness.
an endless chasing after of wealth and pleasures are victorious over contentment.
transparency loses to individualization and privateness.
intimacy is overshadowed by sexuality.
vision is drowned by hopelessness.
and morality is deprived of any of its absoluteness in the face of relativism.

so - i will continue to ask questions.
i will continue to raise doubts and seek answers
i'll continue to wonder
and wrestle anew with these things
but one thing i don't expect to do
is question the testimonies of
the lives that i have seen lived so imperfectly,
so graciously,
so transparently, authentically,
so joyfully,
and so beautifully before me.
i thank you for so boldly reflecting to me the face of Jesus
so that even though i must ask these things, i see no better way to live
and no greater reflection of what i want for my future.

i"ll be honest in saying that this is a season like i've never experienced.
yet the Truth that i've always claimed still stands supreme.
and now i make it more my own.

[1 john 5.2-5]
This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. 3 In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4 for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5 Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.

dreaming

2010-12-31T11:10:00.000-08:00

last night was so. much. fun.
when you are surrounded by a community of people who love each other this deeply
and when those people are convinced of the power of the Gospel
and those people consistently speak life over one another

transformation happens.

empowerment manifests itself in the lives of people.

the Name of Jesus is exalted.

and i dream.
i dream because i believe these dreams to be possible.
mom asked me a couple days ago about the degree that i am working toward
and for what may be the first time
i answered impulsively and assuredly.

and so i'm dreaming.
because i believe so much to be possible.
because i believe Him.
because i have been loved so well.

1 john 4.12
no one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us
!

fruit

2010-12-27T06:52:00.000-08:00

YOU are my identity.
I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, even You.
“I am not good enough” will always be a lie.
I need You like nothing and no one else.
I am good enough. I am enough.
When You look at me You see Jesus.
I am good enough because He was more than good enough.
Love is acceptance and grace, patience and compassion.
By the ground in which I am rooted, I will bear fruit, fruit that will last.
My dreams are not small; they are not less.
Your gifts and Your call are irrevocable.
You have equipped me with everything that I need.
I am priceless in Your sight.
Real grace is only given when it is truly received.
YOU are my joy, my peace, my hope.

[john 15.16-17] You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.

twyla

2010-12-23T16:24:00.000-08:00

[kendra, beka, me, twyla]
can i just tell you how blessed i am to know this woman?
she [and her husband, steve] have blessed my life more than they may ever understand.
the wisdom and confidence that they carry i covet.

paul tells the corithians, "be imitators of me, as i am of Christ." [1 corinthians 11.1]
i hear this same call from so many godly men and women and these two are no exception from them

and i take an example from Jesus' disciples who seek not only to know the teaching of their master, but who desire to be just like Him and who then have a ministry to call others to follow them as they follow Christ.

and i will not hesitate to say that i hope [and pray] to one day have a ministry with even half of the impact as the Lees'.
i have had the opportunity to sit as a disciple in their class, in their office, in their home this semester and to leave is one of the most bitter parts of this semester's coming to a close.
i've sat and talked with them enough times, gaining God's perspective and His wisdom, and being reminded of the differences between His voice and that of the enemy.

satan’s voice:
rushes/pushes/frightens/confuses/discourages/worries/obsesses/condemns
God’s voice:
stills, leads, reassures, convicts, enlightens, encourages, comforts, calms

i've observed how precious and impactful a ministry can be in which two people partner together in all grace and vision to love people for God's glory, not their own.
i asked twyla that night, as our bread dough baked,
what would you say are the three biggest factors that brought you and steve into the place of ministry and influence that you have with young adults today?
without hesitation her first answer was: God's grace. there's no way steve and i could have lasted apart from Him.
the second explanation she gave was: partnering in ministry. we've always done ministry together.
and the third: commitment. and hard work.

i've begun to understand and accept my value.
i've learned to pinpoint some of the lies that i have believed and i've learned to replace those with Truth.
i've experienced love in way that i haven't felt the need to perform in order to be "good enough", but simply to run after Jesus as i am.

oh, and i'm home. all is very well.

merry christmas :)

favorites

2010-12-16T20:50:00.000-08:00

1. skiing at copper!
2. rockies game in denver
3. graduation day and hanging out with the moore's
4. cascades hike with michelle, andrew, and kevin
5. bread-baking and talks with twyla, kendra, and beka
6. celestial seasonings excursion in boulder
7. mountains mountains mountains
8. quiet times and Jesus Calling
9. koinonia dinner at the thomason's
10. old colorado city with the kucera's
11. thursday nights- family dinner and worship
12. glen eyrie with kathryn and alyssa
13. carless drive-in!
14. laughing over lunch
15. monday night football at the Lee's
16. laughing with mallory
17. learning to crochet with ciera
18. the convenience of a 24-hour gym across the parking lot
19. a sunday afternoon at agia sofia with kathryn and bethany
20. L7 [life group 7: kendra, scott, ashlea, janae, joy]
21. CHC fundraising event with live music and art sale at jive's
22. bus rides
23. valentine's day at 1022
24. an amazing pool like i've never seen
25. barn dance and cowboy hats

immanent

2010-12-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

i'm growing so much more sure than i've ever been
more sure of myself
more sure of God's grace
more sure of His immanence
and more sure of my future as a valuable part of the Kingdom

he has used so many different avenues this season to reveal Himself
and Truth
to me

people.
people people people.
there have been a handful of people here this semester who have spoken truth,
whether they were aware of it or not,
to places in me that so badly needed to hear it
maybe just a word
maybe direct guidance
maybe a conversation or a challenge that i needed to face
but all of it in love

and this season too has been one in which i have wrestled with my own integrity,
asking God to "Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting." [ps. 139.23-24]
and He's not slow in answering these requests
His goodness is such that He takes great delight in our growth
and He isn't afraid to allow us to struggle to meet that end
because
our growth means our increasing Christ-likeness
like Paul claimed, "I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead." [phil. 3.10-11]

dr. phil has always said, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge."

i want to be made aware of it in order that i might acknowledge it, and then to change.

a few illustrations from class come to mind

johari window

and
system of change:
unconscious incompetence (I don’t even know what I need to know) →
conscious incompetence (I realize how much I don’t know) →
conscious competence (I am learning and practicing) →
unconscious competence (now becomes part of who I am)

*the change ( → ) cannot be achieved by focusing on elimination, but by replacement

there is much that still lies ahead of me on my journey, but i'm not intimidated by it.
instead i take this as a challenge

deut. 30.19 "This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live 20 and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the LORD is your life..."

leftovers

2010-12-11T18:42:00.001-08:00

finishing leftovers this week
and getting ready to get back on a plane-
hoping this is the last time for a while.

i'm anticipating going home and making leftovers at home,
hoping to bless mom with a little help in the form of these favorites
[ones that i've accumulated while i've been out here]

from kathryn- creamy pumpkin soup
[i prefer to leave out the water]

lemon chicken

mom's banana bread [not my mom's recipe, but maybe it will be soon]

and i thought of you, jana, when i wrote this.
i hope that you might enjoy one or all of these as well~

.

courageous

2010-12-09T13:14:00.001-08:00

perk |pərk| |pəːk|
noun (usu. perks) informal
• an advantage or benefit following from a job or situation : they were busy discovering the perks of town life.

yes, a perk indeed.
we got to talk with some of the actors and see a special screening of the film before it premieres in theaters next september.
it is well done [although not hollywood quality, they don't claim it to be]
with another amazing message for building up the institution of the family in our context.

the message is directed to men,
pushing them to actively engage in the battle for a healthier society.
the challenge is for our men to step up, embrace a maybe-foreign introspective pattern of understanding themselves,

and to accept the call of their primary ministry: loving their wives and their children well.
[far beyond adequacy]

this is a call to integrity,
to accountability and discipleship,
faithfulness to God - His Spirit, His Word, His children.
for these things my heart beats as well.

i'm excited to see what our Father desires to do through this movie for His Kingdom.
9 months and counting...

suffering

2010-12-08T17:40:00.000-08:00

and a sermon from shemen sasson [brings back sweet memories]
by shimon myers.

April 15, 2006: Suffering
[if you want to listen, you'll have to click the link,
then scroll down to April 15, 2006]

i pulled a few exerpts here:

God trusted job enough to let him suffer greatly.
what if God wants to make an example of you to the enemy?

we question our suffering when instead we should question God's grace.

when we're suffering we consider in a mystery, but the mystery really is why does anything good ever happen to any of us?

i challenge you like paul to consider the goodness and severity of God.

consider the goodness of God. He's greater in mercy than anyone in here could ever be.

2 peter 3.9 "The Lord is not slack concerning his promise, as some men count slackness; but is LONG-SUFFERING to us-ward, not willing that any should perish, but that all should come to repentance.

long-suffering [adjective]:having or showing patience in spite of troubles, esp. those caused by other people

don't think you can earn your way out it.

the answer to your suffering isn't just that everything is going to be alright.
we go from trial to trial.

we live only out of His mercy. and grace.

38.2. WHO IS THIS?

who are you to answer God?

You can please God, but don't think that somehow by your goodness you're going to negate suffering.
if you're not suffering chances are you're not anywhere near God's will for your life...

"would you condemn Me that you may be justified?"

the full revelation that job received was seeing who he was (40.4) and seeing who God is (42.1-6)

rest and grace

2010-12-07T06:58:00.000-08:00

simple and beautiful, one of my favorite songs currently:

Rest In You - Hillsong

Your faithfulness endures always
Where mountains fall and reason fails
And You calm the raging seas
And You calm the storms in me, again

All I know is I find rest in You
All I know is I find rest in You

My heart will praise throughout the night
Where singing seems a sacrifice
Your grace is all I need
Your grace is all I need

Rest In You

sore

2010-12-03T14:48:00.000-08:00

let me just say that i have never been more sore IN MY LIFE.
but
yesterday just may have been the most fun i've ever had. in my life.
my alarm went off at 445a. we boarded a bus at 545a.
we arrived at Copper Mountain at about 800a.

we suited up and headed out.
the baby hill first,
and i'm not kidding
we rode the conveyor belt about 15 feet, with the 3-year-olds
then we headed to the beginner's green hill
and this was a blast.

[riding the lift with kendra]

once we got the hang of the small hill (i didn't realize at the time that "small" was understatement), we tried the next "green" trail
alyssa, patrick, and i got on the american eagle lift
and after what seemed like an ETERNITY (probably close to 10 minutes), we got to the top [just before the skittles. ha.]
this should have been our first clue that this green was a bit more than the last
considering that the last lift we rode was no more than a 2 minute ride

[here's lindy and katelyn at the top of the mountain
beautiful, huh?]
so then we set out down the trail.
winding around turns at a downhill angle that i'm not sure i was quite ready for
the most terrifying part being the cliff-like fall to our right. gah!
i managed the first quarter quite confidently.
then came the humbling portion of the descent.
yes, i absolutely wiped out, losing the rest of the group, a pole, and a ski.
dang...
then i got back to it, did well for a bit, then took another beautifully impressive spill. after collecting all my parts yet again, i was so cautious that made it back to the bottom without leaving my feet again
and this return was quite a relief...

and the whole day just might top my list of favorite days at FLI.
[coming soon]

sorrow

2010-11-27T22:17:00.000-08:00

i don't mean to sound sadistic at all here
yet i'm recently very intrigued by the concept of suffering.
probably because you can determine a lot about a person's character from how they react in times of suffering.
look at Jesus for example.
but i'm thinking about the vanderwilp family
and if anyone has more reason to be angry about suffering,
it is them.
but they refuse
and present such a beautiful picture of a community of people who genuinely understand their Father
and they have, with their integrity fully intact [like job]
chosen to worship Him who is sovereign
and they've chosen to celebrate kristie.
and i pray that i might learn from them
to suffer well.
because i'm understanding that we weren't called to a life free from challenges
but to show the world a hope amidst hardships
because these are the things that help us to relate to one another, to empathize,
to connect, to really know and care for one another
there's something beautiful about vulnerability, weakness, humility
and these relationships open doors
when we become less
and He more

[colossians 3.15]
"and let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. and be thankful."

joys

2010-11-27T13:57:00.000-08:00

this past week was full of them :)

it started out with one massive disappointment as my flight, which was supposed to arrive at 1145p, didn't touch down until 510a
a long night to say the least
yet- i was ever so thankful that we even got out of denver that night as we were one of two flights that was allowed to take off through the denseness of the fog
and i was content with 510a because that meant that i could worship with my community sunday morning
and it was a pleasure like never before
to see will's surprise, then erin's
to catch holli and daniel with little isaiah and analiese
to get a hug from my chels
and bethy and tt
to hear ryan declare the realities of acts 2
and rod, john 4
then to have lunch with my sweet addi...and colin
[and the rest of the family of course]
to see that house in progress: tiling, paint, cabinets...
that new book that arrived the day before i did- a woman who is a true conduit of grace and truth and peace- such a blessing and encouragement

seeing katie and janster, natey, benji [um, he's huge. he walks. he talks. and he overcomes the flu...]

dearest emily and kristopher and the best rice and lemon chicken ever
jenn, tony, maca, lily, bea, ezra, vivi and the best aveda tea ever
[and this vivienne...as smiley as ever, only more wide-eyed and curious!]

jordan x2, charis, deem, charla grace, paula, brooke +1, michelle, brad and the westside [ah, my precious fish ladder...]

emily haus, molly, future roommates...and the best smelling hair products. ever.
anna's house, breakfast, and sheraya +1!
chels and jana and ben- again- and vitale's
and the simple fact that people will always be the most important thing. talks and prayers and tears and laughter...
good old ada crc. people. and worship.
thanksgiving dinner. extended family and dessert. cousins and beautiful marriages.
laurynn and sweet ella joy. driving an hour to say hello.
a little shopping with k and the crazies. a scarf.
then russ', of course, on a friday night.
a saturday morning flight
colorado sun
a roommate so willing to pick me up at the airport
a package waiting for me in the living room at my apartment
[oh kristen, you brightened my day more than you may have expected!]

oh for the small things, for people, for thankfulness, for joys

Worthy

2010-11-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

Rak Atah Raui [click here]

i LOVED this song when we were in israel.
we used to worship with a congregation in the New City in Jerusalem on Hillel St.
they are called Shemen Sasson (Oil of Joy).

this song is one that i've been searching for for years :)

the chorus is
rak atah raui letilehotai

it means
only You are worthy of my praise.

beautiful.

Sure

2010-11-17T18:16:00.001-08:00

this semester
thus far
has been a great learning and growing experience for me.
i have been challenged in ways i would have never wished.
but i have found confidence in ways that only He could validate.
more than anything i have learned
to a much greater depth
who He is.
and who i am.
and there is this question that He has been asking.
do you trust me?
and this has been the most vivid question that i've heard
since the day i stepped off the plane in tel aviv.
i can answer that question, by the way,
immediately in the affirmative.
now.

one thing that i have struggled with is this issue of adequacy.
knowledge. capacity. understanding.
i'm not a genius. i know this.
[even though jim isom still rings in my head, "your genius lies in your calling."]
but what do i know?
and how do i know it?
the how- so much more than the what- clings to my identity as the most vital thing that i could possess.
Jesus Christ, who lived as a man and as the very representation of the Father- He died and rose again to life through the power of the Holy Spirit.
and because of this free gift of atonement through the blood of Jesus, we are offered justification through faith in Him.
and only because of the justifying work of Jesus on the cross, we have the Spirit who dwells with us for our sanctification

romans 5.1,9,16,18
1 peter 1.2
hebrews 10.14

and i'm not unsure.
i don't know everything. and i never will.
but what i must know, i know.

His love.
never.
fails.

Waiting

2010-11-16T14:20:00.000-08:00

another great article from boundless.org

It's Good to Wait by Candice Watters

office

2010-11-15T17:21:00.000-08:00

seriously.
i am sitting in what i call my office.
aka the laundry room.
i get my best work done on the dryer.
with laundry going. smells wonderful. and its warm...
currently 3 pages in to an 8 pager on yet another great book by Cloud and Townsend.
maybe i'll fill in the details later

Aslan

2010-11-15T06:06:00.001-08:00

“I am telling you your story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own."

winter

2010-11-13T09:03:00.000-08:00

did i mention that we got our first snow? [the mountains are there, really, just hidden behind the clouds]

upon talking with kathryn a few days ago, i decided that in order for me to not dread, despise, and hate winter, i should take up a winter activity.

i'm leaning towards one of these...

[snowshoeing or cross-country skiing]

Name

2010-11-12T19:45:00.000-08:00

yes, joy follows obedience,
and perspective is a gift.

[more to come]

actually, the following is the more that i promised...

Henri J.M. Nouwen.
i am blessed by his heart.
and i am learning from his testimony.

"I am telling you all this because I am deeply convinced that the Christian leader of the future is called to be completely irrelevant and to stand in this world with nothing to offer but his or her vulnerable self.

"...when [Jesus] was asked to prove his power as the Son of God by the relevant behavior of changing stones into bread, he clung to his mission to proclaim the word he said, "Human beings live not by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.

"We keep hearing from others as well as saying to ourselves that having power - provided it is used in the service to God and your fellow human beings - is a good thing. With this rationalization, crusades took place; inquisitions were organized; indians were enslaved; positions of great influence were desired; ...splendid cathedrals, and opulent seminaries were built; and much moral manipulation of conscience was engaged in. Every time we see a major crisis in the history of the Church, such as the Great Schism of the eleventh century, or the immense secularization of the twentieth century, we always see that a major cause of rupture is the power exercised by those who claim to be followers of the poor and powerless Jesus...

"The long painful history of the Church is the history of people ever and again tempted to choose power over love, control over the cross, being a leader over being led...

"One thing is clear to me: the temptation of power is the greatest when intimacy is a threat. Much Christian leadership is exercised by people who do not know how to develop healthy, intimate relationships and have opted for power and control instead. Many Christian empire-builders have been people unable to give and receive love.

"Powerlessness and humility in the spiritual life do not refer to people who have no spine and who let everyone else make decisions for them. They refer to people who are so deeply in love with Jesus that they are ready to follow him wherever he guides them, always trusting that, with him, they will find life and find it abundantly."

and i guess these are only a few of the lines that captured my attention [i might as well just have reiterated the whole book]. however, the heart stands out in all 80 short pages, and this heart is one surrendered and humble. and it is not that everyone needs to give their lives to the lifestyle that Henri Nouwen chose, but should everyone seek to have a heart like Jesus as Nouwen did? i think yes.

and i am so BLESSED to have been able to serve and worship under this kind of leadership. i am blessed by the heart of Jesus that i have seen reflected. i am blessed by the need, not to be relevant, spectacular, or powerful, but to have healthy, intimate, and vulnerable relationships. to give and receive love. for real. like Jesus. the greatest blessing that i wouldn't trade for anything.

112

2010-11-10T17:23:00.000-08:00

Psalm 112

1 PRAISE THE LORD! BLESSED IS THE MAN WHO FEARS THE LORD,
WHO GREATLY DELIGHTS IN HIS COMMANDMENTS!

2 His offspring will be mighty in the land;
the generation of the upright will be blessed.
3 Wealth and riches are in his house,
and his righteousness endures forever.

4 LIGHT DAWNS IN THE DARKNESS FOR THE UPRIGHT;
He is gracious, merciful, and righteous.

5 It is well with the man who deals generously and lends;
who conducts his affairs with justice.
6 For the righteous will never be moved;
he will be remembered forever.

7 He is not afraid of bad news;
HIS HEART IS FIRM, TRUSTING IN THE LORD.

8 His heart is steady; he will not be afraid,
until he looks in triumph on his adversaries.
9 He has distributed freely; he has given to the poor;
his righteousness endures forever;
his horn is exalted in honor.
10The wicked man sees it and is angry;
he gnashes his teeth and melts away;
the desire of the wicked will perish!

[oh and yes, those are the northern lights. i will see them someday!]

faceoff

2010-11-09T13:49:00.000-08:00

here's an article from boundless.com [this is where i'm doing my internship this semester].
tim sweetman is talking about the facebook addiction that many of us know so well.
i think he does a great job stating the case for prioritization.
i must agree with him that the Word of God must take precedence.

here's a clip:

"Honestly, I don't think I understand the gravity of my distain of daily time with God. It's not an issue of salvation, of course, but I do think that it's essential to my spiritual health and growth. The thing is, I can spend hours upon hours on the internet browsing Facebook or messing with my electronic devices; I find it absolutely disgusting when this takes the place of God.

What is my true priority in life? I need a serious wake-up call."

here's the whole article:
Facebook Faceoff