9

i'm still in bed as he kisses me goodbye in the morning on his way to work. he takes an extra 30 seconds to massage my leg muscles because he knows that although pregnancy has been more of a joy than anything, the leg and back pain can effect everything.

he collects his employees from the driveway and he's off to whichever job has been on the calendar waiting for him. he works hard. he's meticulous, honest, faithful. his customers know this too because 22 years later, it's the same. 

he washes the sheets at least once/week without fail - because he sleeps better on clean sheets - and it's a gift to me too.

though he told me long ago that it is the one thing that he hates more than anything, i find him cleaning the dishes, emptying + loading the dishwasher some evenings after we eat together. 

sometimes he finds me just watching him from across the room, lately he doesn't notice because he's too busy. 

at least once every few weeks i say 'i can't believe we're married" because it's surreal to be married to your best friend... when we get laughing about something and we can't stop, or we start dreaming about a project in the yard, weekend plans with the (not-so-)little one, painting a room, building a dresser, narrowing down a list of potential baby names. 

when you get to do life with another human, one who shares your desire to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, to learn more gradually with each passing day to make it the default to lay down your life for the other person, can it be anything but joy? 

even in the moments where eye-to-eye doesn't come easily, where it is apparent that sometimes great minds think very differently, and that can be a good thing too, when iron sharpens iron, even the differences are received as blessing. because they get us somewhere. always sharpening, always growing us together. 

he works hard for us. he doesn't complain about much, but when he does, he usually lets me laugh because i think everything he does is funny. 

while he painted the baby's room, i read an old journal i found where i wrote prayers for him - not knowing who he would be. i was embarrassed because i wrote these in my mid-20's, all wordy and theological as you would expect from a bible college graduate. but it was stunning to see some of the accuracy of the words that i prayed for him then - for joy, to know the love and nearness of God. i prayed for him knowing he'd have 3 things: a deep love for God, a compassionate love for people (and for me), and the best sense of humor. 

and i look back now, so beyond grateful that God wrote our stories to come to this time in history, because He knew we would point each other to Him and life together would be joy.

it's been almost 9 months married to this one and i wouldn't change one bit of our stories. thankful for you joel ryan ♥️

mercy

But because of his great love for us, 
God, who is rich in mercy, 
made us alive with Christ 
even when we were dead in transgressions—
it is by grace you have been saved. 
And God raised us up with Christ 
and seated us with him 
in the heavenly realms 
in Christ Jesus, 
in order that in the coming ages 
he might show 
the incomparable riches of his grace, 
expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus.
[Ephesians 4]

sacrifice

today hasn’t been a smooth one. i knew it the moment i started getting ready for my day. it was mid-morning before i ventured to ask God why i find my heart like this...

truly truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies it bears much fruit.

the hardest thing I’ve ever been asked to do

surrendering my feelings for joy

refusing to demand my happiness from someone else, rather looking to a good Father to meet all of my needs, which He does, through Jesus. but. it doesn’t always feel that way. 

dying to my need to be right,

dying to my need for people to agree with me

when paul says of Jesus that he made himself nothing and gave up his life to death on a cross,

to understand the smallest part of what that means, 

death to pride

life on the altar, admittedly not my own

the goal, righteousness

the reward, Jesus

inevitably this path chooses things that others wouldn’t choose

following this Shepherd inevitably looks like nonsense to people who see the world differently

and inevitably, people who claim the same trajectory will label mine a lie

then the fork in the road where the decision stands between accepting the accusations with grace, all for righteousness, for Jesus, to produce fruit

or 

turn and fight the labels, the pointing fingers, the judgment

and the grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, remains alone, and produces nothing

but Jesus was led like a lamb to the slaughter, He remained silent

nevertheless His life (and death) have produced fruit that has produced more fruit, 

and that exponential

on the hardest of days i practice

my life on the altar of my Father’s goodness and grace and stunning immanence 

so people are allowed to remain on their paths, at the level of maturity in which God is working in them, the degree of control to which they’re willing to lay down,

and my mouth may remain silent

because i don’t need to convince anyone of anything (j tells me)

(and his dad reminded me, with such sweet humility too) neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow

His spirit alone does the changing work

it isn’t my battle to fight

my call is faithfulness, 

my call is life as sacrifice,

my call is death

and if i ever achieve this goal 

my life looks like kindness in persecution, joy in faithfuless

this, 

this is the greatest reward

this is the hardest peace

this is death for the purpose of life

this is fruit

john 12, philippians 2, romans 12, 1 corinthians 2.14, isaiah 53

mustard seed

humility knocks on the door, gently, patiently
pride, though, pride keeps the lights off, the blinds drawn, the deadbolt secure
humility asks most genuinely for a small bit of pain to be allowed inside so that with it might come joy one hundredfold
but pride. she fears the pain and with that rejects the abundant life held out in the open hand
if only by trusting the giver of the pain one might also trust the giver of the greater peace, rest, satisfaction, joy.

he who did not spare his own son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also along with him graciously give us all things?
[romans 8.32] 

confident

you just have to be more confident, he told her
you'll be good enough if you were only more confident
try harder to be confident (or at least appear that way)

but she became more anxious
all the while knowing that, for his approval,
she needed to be more secure, more sure of herself
and what he meant as loving, constructive criticism
trapped her in a prison of circular reasoning
trying harder
grasping to find the corner in a round room

because just maybe
we live in a context that misunderstands
this precious confidence
that gets so much of our [subconscious] attention

although we all try,
we don't build our confidence by trying harder, do we?
eventually
we have to place our confidence in something or someone,
find something or someone outside of ourselves that can bear the weight of our hopes and fears
for some people it is a relationship that promises security and safety
for some people it's a dream job or lottery winnings or credentials
and for you?

that's one of the beautiful things in life -
you get to choose where you place your hope and who/what determines your confidence
you get to choose who or what is worthy of your trust
you get to choose which voice(s) speaks value into your life

choose wisely, my friend
test everything,
hold on to the good
hold on to the unshakable
exude confidence because you placed yours in something that is sure

imagine

[i can only imagine]

i was all tears
i snuck in a bag of snap peas into the theater, even a lacroix
but i forgot a kleenex
[its okay though, i also brought in a sweatshirt which served just fine as an oversized tissue]

this story represented so much of what my heart has been crying out in this season
for myself, for friends, for family
acknowledged brokenness
spoken fears
surrendered insecurity
anger, laid down

for honesty regarding our own wounds

adults willing to wrestle with the damage done by broken people
but still to choose the grace to forgive
because of jesus
because He forgave (forgives) every damaging thing that i've done
to myself and to others
mercy upon mercy
as He took all punishment for all of my mess
and in those moments of shame and insecurity He gently reminds that it still rests there on the cross
far from the memory of this good and perfect Father who accepts me as righteous now, without condition
and it becomes real
when this unearned compassion
bears fruit
fruit as forgiveness
fruit as transparency
fruit as grace extended out
because of grace experienced in

it's kindness to those who, without the power of the Spirit of Jesus,
haven't been able to make right the damage that they've done, to others and to themselves
it's letting go of the expectation that they will ever be able to see or acknowledge it
it's accepting that sin has so tainted every relationship we experience
that no one is expected perfection
even if that means that we are left grieving the relationships that will never be
the ones that never lived up to their potential
the ones in which people weren't able to see how beautiful it could have been had they lived into what God designed
knowing Jesus
He gives us the grace, freedom, to let people out of the boxes of our expectations for them
to accept the reality of their abilities, capacities, brokenness
and trust God to do in them the work that only He has the authority to do
with His patience, His tenderness, His kindness that leads to repentance

so this prayer that has echoed in for all these weeks and months
echoes out on through letters on a keyboard
that You, beautiful Jesus, would bring the broken places to the surface,
that You would lovingly drag the secretly-hurting into a safe place of vulnerability
that Your beloved sons and daughters would
acknowledge
identify
name (without blame)
the hurt that we've experienced
and that we'd watch with expectation as you
heal
redeem
restore
bring life to the dead places
for Your glory + our joy

cruciform

the ancients believed that their leaders were image-bearers of their gods.
pharaoh, for example, was the image-bearer of the egyptian sun god, ra.
this idea, though, is grounded in reality.
God says in genesis 1 that He created the first man and woman in His image. and subsequently, every person whose life origninates from adam + eve (i would argue this is every human who has ever existed, and each one to come) then also bears this same image, God's image, and a significant identity and purpose to represent God to the world.
His goodness, His kindness, His justice, His grace, His integrity, His work ethic, His love for unity within diversity.
"problems arise when people determine that they are more of an image-bearer than others" said dr. jonathan greer,
and then referencing deuteronomy 7, "the Lord did not set his affection on you [israel] and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. but it was because the Lord loved you..."
"proceed in humility" dr. greer cautioned us.
and it struck a chord with this heart that has been wading through a heavy season of testing and sharpening and hard but good. so hard, but so good. the oh-so-painful-but-still-i-wouldn't-trade-it for-ease-and-comfort kind of hard.
because we're free to deeply and genuinely love all people when we recognize how undeserving of love we ourselves truly are.
we're free to give [kindness, forgiveness, grace, approval] to those who have hurt us, when we can see through eyes of humility.
but we don't simply choose to be small before others, this too is a gift, and it is one we must ask for daily, and probably multiple times each day.
to be honest, i don't do this well. sometimes i find myself going days, weeks, riding on my own perceived strength and successes, until God, in His grace, lets me feel all of the things that i naturally am apart from Him.
i see the ugliness and selfishness of this heart that forgets that i can do all things through Christ, and nothing apart from Him.
i experience the debilitating effects of anxiety when i've failed to look to Him for my next steps, but this anxiety, is also in these moments the greatest gift as it points me back to the truest north.
i feel hopeless and lonely until i turn back and see that God, whose image i bear to the world, is also my constant companion and my joy.
i'm thankful, thankful that we haven't been created to live this life without purpose or in isolation. i'm thankful that the God whose image i bear is willing to let me feel pain to be reminded that He alone promises a life without pain, sadness, fear, loneliness, anxiety, regret, sickness, death. because He alone has the words of life and the keys to life and He alone promises that He will come back here, when the time is best, and He will renew, restore, re-create.
if we trust Him and remember our place: undeserving, but fully and completely loved,
then we're free to give the same kind of love, the kind that doesn't need to be earned, because it is gift, grace, cruciform.

advent

i had the honor of writing for a blog(below) that our church was putting together for advent. read the rest of the blog here.

ISAIAH 7:10-14

Here Judah sits as the King of Aram and the King of Israel approach with their armies and threaten a likely defeat. Tensions are high and hope is at an all-time low as Judah’s army is no match for the partnership between the Arameans and the Israelites. (Note: This is when the kingdom of Israel is divided – the Northern Kingdom: Israel, and the Southern Kingdom: Judah).

In the seventh chapter of Isaiah, the prophet is sent to the terrified king of Judah to warn him, and subsequently the people of Judah, that they’ve misplaced their trust. 

Again the Lord spoke to Ahaz, “Ask the Lord your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights.”

But Ahaz said, “I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test.”

Then Isaiah said, “Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of humans? Will you try the patience of my God also? Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.

God wanted to offer a sign. Ahaz missed the flashing lights. But still, God gives the sign he intended to give. He makes the grandest promise. I’ll come to you, He says, as a child, and the child will be Immanuel, God with you. 

Isaiah goes on in chapter 9, 

The people walking in darkness

   have seen a great light;

on those living in the land of deep darkness

   a light has dawned.

You have enlarged the nation

   and increased their joy;

they rejoice before you

   as people rejoice at the harvest,

as warriors rejoice

   when dividing the plunder.

For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,

   you have shattered

the yoke that burdens them,

   the bar across their shoulders,

   the rod of their oppressor.

Every warrior’s boot used in battle

   and every garment rolled in blood

will be destined for burning,

   will be fuel for the fire.

For to us a child is born,

   to us a son is given,

   and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called

   Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,

   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.

Of the greatness of his government and peace

   there will be no end.

He will reign on David’s throne

   and over his kingdom,

establishing and upholding it

   with justice and righteousness

   from that time on and forever.

The zeal of the Lord Almighty

   will accomplish this.

When Isaiah references Midian’s defeat, what is the going through the mind of those who are hearing this prophecy in real time? Do you remember Gideon, one of the judges of Israel? You may recall the account in Judges 7 when God calls Gideon to go to battle against the Midianite army, which was grand in number. 

You watch as the scene opens and the main character stands on a dark hill overlooking the valley below where hundreds of thousands of people gather late into the night to launch their attack on the one you’re quietly but anxiously rooting for. 

Over the next few minutes you watch the reasons for hope flicker and soon your heart resolves to watch as the last stream of smoke whisks away the last bit of confidence that you had in your hero’s chances at survival, much less victory. 

The odds are so small. 

You watch as the crowd below seems to multiply spontaneously and you scan again the team that you believed in. 

Three hundred compared against an army settled in the valley, thick as locusts. Their camels could no more be counted than the sand on the seashore. 

The darkness continues to settle like a wet blanket, and standing under its ever-growing weight adds layers of despair. Your grip on hope is weak. 

But then

you hear a shatter

and 299 of the same sound

at the same time light pierces the darkness to the left, and to the right, and on the far side of the hill across from where your hero stands.

He holds a torch in hand, a shofar in the other,

the sound is deafening and the firelight so bright that your eyes haven’t had time to adjust.

The 300 torch-bearing, horn-blowing soldiers stood in their place

and that army in the valley below, the innumerable men and camels that had sucked almost all hope from your heavy heart,

they destroyed one another 

and the ones that remained? 

They fled

while the 300 rejoiced at the victory that was surely miracle. 

Isaiah paints this picture, drawing the mind of his audience back to Gideon’s battle against the Midianites, and the growing hopelessness that many of the people of Israel felt as God limited Gideon’s army from 32,000 men to 10,000 men, to 300. 

Why? 

The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’

God knows. 

He knows the tendency of the human heart. 

He knows my heart to believe that my own strength is the reason for any success in my life. 

He knows that the human mind cannot comprehend His power and authority, and certainly not the depth of His love.

He knows.

So, hundreds of years later, when he speaks to Israel, through Isaiah, 

He promises a seemingly impossible salvation

but artfully reminds the original hearers that He’s done this before.

In 2017, we know that He can save and He did completely when Christ came as a helpless baby boy and lived a life of fellowship with God the Father and died a death cut off from the Father and He did all of it selflessly, for the glory of the Father and ultimately that each of us might share in that glory.

Sister, is there a challenge before you today? 

Is God gently walking with you, asking you to remember His past faithfulness and to trust in His current faithfulness?

All throughout Scripture, He calls his people to remember and to trust Him who is able. 

Practice this art of remembering today.

Rest in His faithfulness

Remember the countless accounts.

Deuteronomy 8, Psalm 40 + 41, remember when He reveals to a despairing Elijah in 1 Kings 19 that He sees a picture so much grander than our limited eyes can see. 

Dear one, may His character stand firm in your heart and mind and you traverse the hills, mountain-tops, and deep valleys of life. May you look back at His past faithfulness and look trustingly forward to His certain future faithfulness as you walk out your days with Him. May you know it is HIS faithfulness and HIS love that carries you. You can’t earn this greatest gift. He gives it freely so that it cannot be stripped of its power and worth – His Presence. Treasure Him today, treasure Immanuel. Your God is with you. Always.