symmetry

integrity.
something i've been praying for more than ever.
i am capable of a deeper, fuller consistency
and i've felt it very strongly this week.
a brother points out my timely sarcasm.
all the chairs are circled though no one else hears his rebuke.
i'm humbled and grateful
as God Himself is speaking these words.
circled again
with some of my most precious friends
while their tinys run bare the carpet on the stairs.
i'm uncomfortable
then quiet
but quiet feels right.
and as i take the steps to learn the humility of thinking of self less
i hear each word, tone, emotion of what these beautiful ones are saying
because listening, hearing, engaging defines love.
and integrity
is being the same person when i'm excited
or mad
or tired
or with friends who know all of my secrets
or those who have yet to even learn my name
much less my desperate love for middle names, words, walks, laughter.
integrity is sameness in the valley or on the mountaintop
it is faithful friendship whether i'm content or unsatisfied,
whether frustrated or elated because my friends just had their first baby. a girl.
integrity trusts that God is constant
and able to meet each of my needs
in any season
regardless of how i feel.

feet

Feet home to more than 100 fungi
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-22622689

ya'll make fun of me but look who knew what she was talking about.

metacognition

a wierd word, perhaps, but i thank my precious college years for those psychology classes and for forcing me to think about, well, thinking.

this year has fostered growth that has me still processing
this reality sat in front of me a few weeks ago
as we celebrated with another class of students who, the following day, would be graduating from college,
and they sat in the same seat that i sat in exactly one year ago.
and if i'm honest, which i intend to be on this blog,
i was graduating into what felt like a vacuum of uncertainty.
definitely excited to be finished with homework, papers, tests, loads of required reading, chaotic schedules, and late nights,
but equally uneasy about stepping out of that world into this one.

i felt directionless.

i remember telling n & j that i find it very attractive when a man knows exactly what he wants and where he is going in life,
and even more memorable was his response, "i understand that, tam, but it can also be very unrealistic, even immature, when a man thinks he has his life all planned out."
life ebbs and flows, he explained, and as necessary and motivating as dreams and goals are, more attractive should be a man who finds rest in the unknowns of life because he trusts His Father, who is constant.
a false confidence, really, is what i used to love.
its what i used to strive for and it is the mask that i, also, used to wear,
though quite unsuccessfully.

this year has taught me to embrace the unknown because my confidence does not depend on my, nor anyone else's, ability to control the twists and turns that lay ahead
but my peace is due to the ability of my faithful Savior to raise valleys and to make the high places low.
he calls me to straight paths, not because life could ever promise to be so simple
but because 
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

i am forever grateful for the work that God has done over the past year,
for the friends, the mentors, the challenges, the encouragement that i've received. 
gifts. all of them. 
the ups. the downs. 
and i know me so much more now. 
this knowledge has necessarily yielded much unwelcomed humility
but it is only in that place that i've ever gained real wisdom
and real love.

and most exciting for me is the discovery that it is out of resting in this attitude of trust
that i do my best dreaming, planning, studying, learning. 
a real gift
from the best Gift-giver. 
 
         

praises

1 peter 2.⁹ 
but you are a chosen people, 
a royal priesthood, a holy nation, 
God’s special possession, 
that you may declare the praises 
of him who called you out of darkness 
into his wonderful light.  
¹⁰ once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; 
once you had not received mercy, 
but now you have received mercy.

God's Word breathes life into the dryness,
always points back to the good, 
better, 
best. 
i am chosen
that i may declare the praises of Him.
when we worship, we forget about ourselves.
we find, choose, joy in Him   
Him who has called us 
out of darkness,
into His wonderful light.
praise our Father who has extended 
mercy. 
He has withheld what i deserve
and this is all the reason to praise Him.    
i welcome any and all reminders that He is my everything. 
 
   

ability

i remember in jerusalem
when biene would pray, she would often say
"God i trust in Your ability to speak so much more than in my ability to hear You."
and she held tightly to His character, His track record, His ability.
i choose to do the same.

3000

the gratitude project.

http://3000gifts.blogspot.com/

7

[artist: jackson pollack: 1912-1956]

creation
day 7
God rested.
God stepped into His control center.
His rest
was not intended to set a pattern for
laziness and disengagement.
this was when He stepped into orchestrating what He had put in place,
fully engaged,
still delighted in what He had made good,
active in propelling things forward.

what should a day of rest look like for us? 
perhaps
a time each week when we
assess what we have in front us
refocus our attitudes,
redefine goals,
determine strategies,
such that we too can say
it is good.

maybe
the pattern of rest that God established for us
is a change of pace,
yet one that is just as essential to our kingdom work
as the other 6 days.

an artist who sits within her work for weeks at a time,
never stepping back to ensure that the greater goal is being achieved
makes worthless art.

beauty is the product of an examined life.
use day 7 the way He did.
grow your relationships.
be active in setting and accomplishing goals.
know your Savior.
always move forward
for His glory
and for your good.

forward

Jesus
thank You
for taking this year to flesh out for me the
beauty of individual uniqueness
for all of Your grace that allows me to delight in the me that You intended
[from before the creation of the world]
and to move forward
in trust
with one blind step after another



to learn that love is not a temporary emotional response to an individual
but that it is a way of seeing intrinsic value in each person
regardless of how little we understand one another
empowerment
to see a woman who has dreams
no matter how unrealistic
and to speak to her in such a way that communicates that
i know that You are 1- for her, and 2- able to accomplish all that You wish
because You are
near
[intimately knowledgeable of our circumstances]
caring
[compassionate- weep when we weep, rejoice when we rejoice]
good
[giving value and purpose]
loving
[grieves over broken relationship with mankind, selfless redeemer, healer, friend]

now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory...
 

love

i sure do love wednesdays.
i love pulling into the dark driveway on bennett street on tuesday nights
and through the windows seeing mom or dad scramble to push the garage door button so that i don't have to get out of the car before pulling in the garage.
i love that mom will stay up late to talk to me even though she has to work at 830 the next morning.
i love waking up to the sun-brightened guest room
while i'm buried in the most comfortable bed there is.
i love the hopeful sunshine.
i love the promise of spring...coming...
i love the slow, quiet morning with an abundance of time to read and write.
i love the fresh fruit and vegetables that are always waiting in the refrigerator.
i love when dad comes in for lunch.
i (usually) love that he teases me or scares me at least once...
i even love hearing him chat away on the phone with his best buddy.
i love knowing that my precious friend grew up just down the road.
i love that her mom is quickly becoming one of my mom's dearest friends.
i love that i love people.
i love that i don't have to depend on my own strength to do so.
i love that God faithfully delivers on His promise to be my joy
and that all i need to do is ask Him.
i love the Word of Life. i love that He's given me a love for it that i couldn't have produced independently from Him.
i love His generosity.
i love
because He loves
and because He gives me a measure of His.

satisfied

"we are doing more good than we know,
sowing seeds, starting streamlets,
giving men true thoughts of Christ,
to which they will refer one day as the first things that started them thinking of Him; 

and of my part,
i shall be satisfied if no great mausoleum is raised over my grave,
but that souls shall gather there when i am gone and say,

'he was a good man;
he wrought no miracles,
but he spoke words about Christ,
which led me to know Him for myself.'"

-george matheson