common

dear brother,
thank you
for talking with me
kind and curious as you were
for sharing with me your heart for discipleship
and faithfulness
in a house of humility,
for laughing with me
as we listed
all of the people that make our world so small,
common ground.
thank you for reminding me of that standard
that i've had for so long,
that i've been gradually letting go of
and reminding me that no level of settling is necessary.
like elijah
when he thought he had exhausted all other options
God reminded him
there are 7000 still,
and i believe Him again.
thank you for giving me a few hours of your time
for honoring me,
for listening.
talking with you was a breath of fresh air
a little hope infused back into my soul
thank you for your words
and thank you for tea.

it's an honor
to be at a place with God where He doesn't cater to my need for all of those feelings
feelings of His presence in my life
feelings of happiness
feelings of satisfaction, having received what i asked for
i'm grateful
that at this point in my journey with Him
i depend on the history,
the one that He's written,
more than on my present circumstances.
His story from the first accounts of the creation of the world,
and my entrance into His story,
from the first recollections i have of life under this sun
up until the present moment
it's an honor to be counted worthy
to be trusted with the deepest of truths
when my circumstances change or disappoint
or leave me feeling lonely, dissatisfied, or hopeless
i can still cling to
the Rock that is higher than i
for in this is all my value, and my joy.
when the unshakable Rock raws the hands but the grip remains firm,
when everything apart from this Rock is shaken,
these hands, this body, this soul+mind+heart
is satisfied with everything it could ever need

and thank you, my precious Jesus,
for responding 'no' when my request for emotionalism is childish
when i'm asking for some impulsive form of assurance that you're present
or some confirmation that you are indeed good
when you've proved yourself to only, always be so

i count it an honor to be told no
when i already know
that You know
what i need

non-verbals

the space, nearly full, quickly emptying
lights dim
air mildly smoky with freshly extinguished candle sticks laid on seats and floor
a few bunches of excitable friends huddled in groups talking, laughing, planning
and christmas tomorrow
but she sat with us, sensitive
when he walked by, this shepherd who leads with humility, compassion, gentleness
on his way out, to home, to prepare for the morning's celebration with his own family
he stopped, caught her eye,
fully aware of her situation and the choices that she had made to bring her to the very bottom of herself
to where she sits, empty, quiet, insecure, fearful
his full attention on her, subtle, one hand pointing, one hand over his own heart
i didn't catch his words
but the non-verbals communicated loudly
we love you. we're walking this road with you. you're not alone. we know what you've done, we forgive you, and we're right here.
merry christmas, daughter.
merry christmas, sister.
we do know and we do love you and we will go forward together.

freest

that rich Immanuel-reality, "God with us," the very first reason for any of the december 25 celebrating
it drowned this year under the build up and the decorating and the gifts
and i felt it too, gasping for a few breaths, something that would anchor me back into the Life which came all those years ago,
my purpose for existing
but with so many exciting things going on why would i slow myself to sit in a place of remembering
unless Life Himself
would graciously withhold some of the holiday euphoria from me, remove blinders, make me to see
that this is the very purpose for His human existing
He came to be flesh so that He might sympathize with us - children, brothers and sisters with Him
john piper explains the reasons for Christmas from Hebrews 2
God came - Jesus -
to sympathize with mankind,
to die,
to destroy death/the devil,
to deliver mankind from the slavery+fear+death

so, "the reason for the incarnation is the death of the Son of God"

...and if we are freed from the slavery of death, we are the freest of all peoples, and that is owed to the fact that the devil is destroyed by having his accusations removed, because Christ died, because Christ partook of the nature of mankind, and that happened because of christmas...
and because we're freed in this way, we are also the most humble and grateful of all people.

and this is why we can say with all sincerity,

merry christmas.

inch

a few friends have asked why i'm not writing much lately
and the obvious answer is time
the holidays
family
out-of-town friends here, home
and the not-so-obvious answer is that i've been dreaming
and none of these swirling ideas are close to fruition
yet
so i don't have much to say
yet
but i do feel
like that little girl, lollipop in hand, wide-eyed, curious
with wonder
if God really is preparing the ground
for my little mustard seed
if this dream is the one
finally
that combines my passions, my loves
with His
if this is the merging that i've been praying and inching toward all my life
so
please
pray for me
with me
for patience to listen and wait
for obedience to step when i hear that quiet leading
for humility to start small, to be small
for confidence in God, not me, but me because of Him

know

this line from jj heller

i don't know what You're doing,
but i know who You are.

i do know. and in You is all my hope.
and joy for today.

semantics

my dear friend has taken up the challenge
to inventory 1000 gifts this month
she invited me into it on day 3
and i intended to practice the listing along with her
and though i haven't
i'm working to incline my heart back to that habit
i've been thinking a lot about words lately
maybe its because i've been reading non-stop for the past 2 weeks
or maybe its because i have grown accustomed to formulating all of my thoughts into one-liners, suitable for a status update or a hashtag
or maybe, maybe it is because i've been studying biblical hermeneutics
where everything centers around words - origins, context, genre,
and where we talk about things like personification and anthropomorphism
and from the front of the classroom
we're challenged to understand that the point of all of it
suspending our 21st century american evangelical questions and concerns
this alone reaps those steady dividends
and i know i've been writing frequently on this humility theme
it's because i found this less-traveled road
is the only one that really moves me forward
the only one that feeds me with joy instead of happiness
the long-term protein rather than those fleeting bursts of carbohydrate energy
so i'll probably continue to talk about the same things on this blog
but unapologetically
because though it has been more of the same
i never promised excitement
i promised a testimony
and this, these small transformative moments,
are the story of a transcendent God
involving Himself immanently in this heart
refining me
to more purely reflect Him
and so
with words, lists, stories, a hand-written letter,
a quick reminder that, in korea, she is thinking of me
or a bag of split red lentils, thinking of me
the way that words alone can capture the thoughts and intentions
and teach me to trust
and lure my attention and my own thoughts back to my purpose,
my work and my worship

words hold power
they weigh down with depth
they challenge
they uplift
they shake up
they build
they engage
they hope
they dream
they worship
words are worship, for me
and for this reason i am thankful
for
words
vocabulary
semantics
intentionality.

mundane

i think its fair to say that i've been disengaged
in some ways
the roller coaster of thoughts and emotions
climbing with those things spoken to me, about me
[you might never understand, l,
what that not-so-impromptu starbucks chat meant to me
and j, what those morning words over the telephone lines
did to remind me of who i am in Him -
and how thankful i am for your friendship now]
and plummeting some overnights,
sleepless? a new phenomenon for me
still asking the same old questions
but really
it is so simple
1 thessalonians 4.11.
it is this mundane faithfulness
[thank you kara]
and diligent obedience
that long, faithful walk in one direction
because He doesn't ask me to make a name for myself
He doesn't ask me to build a fortress of confidence
on a foundation of my own achievements
[He and i both know it would be sand]
He asks for fixed eyes
a goal that is high and deep and wide and long,
that doesn't fit within my narrow perspective
a heart that depends on sovereignty
all the while
this body, sown perishable, in dishonor, in weakness
prepares to be raised imperishable, in honor, in glory
and i have to understand myself
small,
while He, greatest of all,
holds all my hope and joy and peace
and every day
i fix these eyes on His glory
taking captive every thought to this end
certain that we will share in His glory
[if indeed we share in His sufferings]

jeremiah 6:16 (NIV)

this is what the Lord says:
“stand at the crossroads and look;
ask for the ancient paths,
ask where the good way is, and walk in it,
and you will find rest for your souls..

street sweeper

i walked tonight
72 degrees
clouds with peeks of sun
i walked
because i like to
but also because
i needed God to do what only He can
to fix my stupid attitude.
i had nothing to say
just steps.
i noticed things
first the crushed pieces of orange brown yellow
under feet and car tires
then the thought of a street sweeper
that brushes through all of the streets in grand rapids
and cleans our streets so that we don't drive
on the wet slimy slippery sludge
that would come with the first few snows.
then i saw l's new home
so close to mine still
and she, such a treasure to me.
i remembered the conversation that she had
just yesterday
with those 3 entrusted to her,
conversation about death and life
and that beautiful hope
because of that Father of ours.
then i thought of dreams that i've had
fully awake dreams
plans that i've made with Him
those hopes and joys and the things that
in the back of my mind
wait, still,
in the steps ahead of me
then i remembered those words written
that changed me, i think
those lines on the pages
that talked endlessly about awareness and gratitude.
thankfulness.
and how it changes a person
always and absolutely
and how i have moved away from that habit
i let go of the awareness gratitude thankfulness
weightless
and took up instead
anxiety fear impatience cynicism judgment
and pride. so. much. pride.
an impossible-to-bear yoke
and so
i remember who my God is
and i tell Him with all the words i can
i remember who i am
i tell Him with as few words as i can
and i lay my requests there
maybe even with no words
and i wait

and i wait.

Psalm 130 (NIV)

A song of ascents.

1 Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord;
2 Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.
3 If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand?
4 But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you.
5 I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
6 I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.
7 Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
8 He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

small

j uses this word a lot
and she's probably taught me more about it than anyone else i know
the gentle reprimand
drawing my attention to the state of my heart
when i speak those words
out of self-preservation
fear
pride
and it is a gift to me
really,
more than anything that i could accept into my hands
is the value of that kind of friendship
and she, among others,
with the soft call back to smallness
the recognition of my actual state before
the throne of Jesus.
and words, treasures, like these
cycle between my ears all weekend
because
it becomes apparent
that every inclination of my heart is only evil all the time
okay, maybe not quite so bad
but
needy nonetheless
very much
and those professors remind
every week
that the goal
is not critical spirits
but critical minds

and this song
on repeat
reminds and reminds and reminds
deuteronomy 8
that He alone is worthy of greatness
and the smallness, mine
that gift
and i am in the place for which i was designed
and this is the best place.