rose-hue

and then everything began to look different
when the rose-hue faded to transparent
and the self-imposed plans melted to a wick and a flicker and a threadline of smoke
the plans, stuffed into a box, shelved alongside numerous other plans made from limited understanding
but the dreams
the dreams only grew larger
and more real
with each passing day

point

she points me to christ, you say
who is this christ?, i ask
this christ who encourages deceit
this christ who delights in the breaking of the family
this christ who contradicts Himself
this christ who lives to satisfy only Himself
this christ who pursues instant [self] gratification
this christ who repels any accountability
this christ who has much to prove
this christ who strives to protect his own reputation
this christ who keeps a firm grasp on every last bit of his pride
this christ who runs after sexual gratification
this christ who lives in a sea of confusion and chaos

this christ? i don't know him.

but i know of satan, liar, deceiver.
he sounds like your "christ"
i caution you, dear one,
to know the voice of your Father
know His Words
know them for yourself
discern between the voice of truth
and the voice of falsehood
the voice of wisdom
and that of that woman in [proverbs 5],
who tells you what your itching ears long to hear

but the true Christ, He is a father to the fatherless
[and He'll fill both your shoes and His]
the true Christ, the One the Bible speaks about,
there is no falsehood in Him
and His eyes are too pure to look on evil
He says, delight in the wife of your youth
He took the Church as His forever bride to display a picture of faithfulness
even in suffering, to the point of death, because His love saw nothing of selfishness
the true Christ,
He's the God of all peace
who satisfies the mind that is fixed on Him
there's no life apart from Him [john 15]
because only He holds the words of eternal life [john 6]

we always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. for we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that His life may also be revealed in our mortal body...
therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. [2 corinthians 4]

i pray that He, the real Christ, is your greatest treasure,
that you're willing to sacrifice now, temporarily,
for joy, for redemption, for reconciliation,
for the prize that will last for always.

alone

i see you
i see that loud personality that vies for attention at every turn
i see that smile, perpetual, and in so many ways, genuine
because you love people, being around them, learning about them,
laughing with them
but i also see you when you go back to your apartment at the day's end
and you're alone
you distract yourself
with books, movies, social media,
but no real joy
not the kind with roots that run deep
immovable in the unshakable rock that is your sure foundation too.
we've talked about these things in the early morning hours
you listened curiously when i shared my heart with you
and then you shared, i was honored to be let into this space,
but you kept some of those rooms in your heart locked, dark, secret
and i wondered then what it would take
and neil [most credible and humble to speak about suffering]
used to tell me that so-often young people need life experiences and suffering and time
and the maturity that results from all of these
before they can understand
we can't make you to know what we know
just like those ahead of me can't make me to know what they know [though i wish]
you're on your own journey
and i know that God will give you that gift of suffering and time
He'll let you experience real depths
real levels to which you have no choice but to engage
and the distractions just won't suffice anymore
i know that He'll teach you who He is and how worthy He is of every bit of you
He'll walk you back into those most-painful places
He'll ask you to put words to how you felt then and how you feel now
and no amount of fun or people or alcohol or drama or affirmation from those people
will heal the memories
you're not alone dear one
and your Father -
He knows what you need.
and i promise you that He's trustworthy.

common

dear brother,
thank you
for talking with me
kind and curious as you were
for sharing with me your heart for discipleship
and faithfulness
in a house of humility,
for laughing with me
as we listed
all of the people that make our world so small,
common ground.
thank you for reminding me of that standard
that i've had for so long,
that i've been gradually letting go of
and reminding me that no level of settling is necessary.
like elijah
when he thought he had exhausted all other options
God reminded him
there are 7000 still,
and i believe Him again.
thank you for giving me a few hours of your time
for honoring me,
for listening.
talking with you was a breath of fresh air
a little hope infused back into my soul
thank you for your words
and thank you for tea.

it's an honor
to be at a place with God where He doesn't cater to my need for all of those feelings
feelings of His presence in my life
feelings of happiness
feelings of satisfaction, having received what i asked for
i'm grateful
that at this point in my journey with Him
i depend on the history,
the one that He's written,
more than on my present circumstances.
His story from the first accounts of the creation of the world,
and my entrance into His story,
from the first recollections i have of life under this sun
up until the present moment
it's an honor to be counted worthy
to be trusted with the deepest of truths
when my circumstances change or disappoint
or leave me feeling lonely, dissatisfied, or hopeless
i can still cling to
the Rock that is higher than i
for in this is all my value, and my joy.
when the unshakable Rock raws the hands but the grip remains firm,
when everything apart from this Rock is shaken,
these hands, this body, this soul+mind+heart
is satisfied with everything it could ever need

and thank you, my precious Jesus,
for responding 'no' when my request for emotionalism is childish
when i'm asking for some impulsive form of assurance that you're present
or some confirmation that you are indeed good
when you've proved yourself to only, always be so

i count it an honor to be told no
when i already know
that You know
what i need

non-verbals

the space, nearly full, quickly emptying
lights dim
air mildly smoky with freshly extinguished candle sticks laid on seats and floor
a few bunches of excitable friends huddled in groups talking, laughing, planning
and christmas tomorrow
but she sat with us, sensitive
when he walked by, this shepherd who leads with humility, compassion, gentleness
on his way out, to home, to prepare for the morning's celebration with his own family
he stopped, caught her eye,
fully aware of her situation and the choices that she had made to bring her to the very bottom of herself
to where she sits, empty, quiet, insecure, fearful
his full attention on her, subtle, one hand pointing, one hand over his own heart
i didn't catch his words
but the non-verbals communicated loudly
we love you. we're walking this road with you. you're not alone. we know what you've done, we forgive you, and we're right here.
merry christmas, daughter.
merry christmas, sister.
we do know and we do love you and we will go forward together.

freest

that rich Immanuel-reality, "God with us," the very first reason for any of the december 25 celebrating
it drowned this year under the build up and the decorating and the gifts
and i felt it too, gasping for a few breaths, something that would anchor me back into the Life which came all those years ago,
my purpose for existing
but with so many exciting things going on why would i slow myself to sit in a place of remembering
unless Life Himself
would graciously withhold some of the holiday euphoria from me, remove blinders, make me to see
that this is the very purpose for His human existing
He came to be flesh so that He might sympathize with us - children, brothers and sisters with Him
john piper explains the reasons for Christmas from Hebrews 2
God came - Jesus -
to sympathize with mankind,
to die,
to destroy death/the devil,
to deliver mankind from the slavery+fear+death

so, "the reason for the incarnation is the death of the Son of God"

...and if we are freed from the slavery of death, we are the freest of all peoples, and that is owed to the fact that the devil is destroyed by having his accusations removed, because Christ died, because Christ partook of the nature of mankind, and that happened because of christmas...
and because we're freed in this way, we are also the most humble and grateful of all people.

and this is why we can say with all sincerity,

merry christmas.

inch

a few friends have asked why i'm not writing much lately
and the obvious answer is time
the holidays
family
out-of-town friends here, home
and the not-so-obvious answer is that i've been dreaming
and none of these swirling ideas are close to fruition
yet
so i don't have much to say
yet
but i do feel
like that little girl, lollipop in hand, wide-eyed, curious
with wonder
if God really is preparing the ground
for my little mustard seed
if this dream is the one
finally
that combines my passions, my loves
with His
if this is the merging that i've been praying and inching toward all my life
so
please
pray for me
with me
for patience to listen and wait
for obedience to step when i hear that quiet leading
for humility to start small, to be small
for confidence in God, not me, but me because of Him

know

this line from jj heller

i don't know what You're doing,
but i know who You are.

i do know. and in You is all my hope.
and joy for today.

semantics

my dear friend has taken up the challenge
to inventory 1000 gifts this month
she invited me into it on day 3
and i intended to practice the listing along with her
and though i haven't
i'm working to incline my heart back to that habit
i've been thinking a lot about words lately
maybe its because i've been reading non-stop for the past 2 weeks
or maybe its because i have grown accustomed to formulating all of my thoughts into one-liners, suitable for a status update or a hashtag
or maybe, maybe it is because i've been studying biblical hermeneutics
where everything centers around words - origins, context, genre,
and where we talk about things like personification and anthropomorphism
and from the front of the classroom
we're challenged to understand that the point of all of it
suspending our 21st century american evangelical questions and concerns
this alone reaps those steady dividends
and i know i've been writing frequently on this humility theme
it's because i found this less-traveled road
is the only one that really moves me forward
the only one that feeds me with joy instead of happiness
the long-term protein rather than those fleeting bursts of carbohydrate energy
so i'll probably continue to talk about the same things on this blog
but unapologetically
because though it has been more of the same
i never promised excitement
i promised a testimony
and this, these small transformative moments,
are the story of a transcendent God
involving Himself immanently in this heart
refining me
to more purely reflect Him
and so
with words, lists, stories, a hand-written letter,
a quick reminder that, in korea, she is thinking of me
or a bag of split red lentils, thinking of me
the way that words alone can capture the thoughts and intentions
and teach me to trust
and lure my attention and my own thoughts back to my purpose,
my work and my worship

words hold power
they weigh down with depth
they challenge
they uplift
they shake up
they build
they engage
they hope
they dream
they worship
words are worship, for me
and for this reason i am thankful
for
words
vocabulary
semantics
intentionality.