shoelace

selfishness stares me right in the face with an undeserved contentment on her own.
i break eye contact and stuff my face back between pages. this only lasts so long and my mind jumps from one "what-if" to the next while my stomach ties itself like a shoelace, double-knotted.
i read the same paragraph for the fourth time, retaining none of it. finally i exhale and the book lies facedown on the cushion and i close the soul-windows and allow my soul to be searched by the only One capable.
selfishness is. but it is not master.
selflessness is. greater reality. promise.
if surrender. if the heart is willing to be broken and anchor it's hope in unshakable rock rather than drifty sand below sometimes- storm-tossed seas.
rock. qualities and realities that don't change or move or depend on anything else to maintain their integrity.
sand. always uncertain, tentative, contingent on performance and competition and comfort. and the wind and the moon and the creatures that manipulate it's resting place.
selfishness is. but she holds no power that she isn't given.
selflessness is. and holds all power. all authority. even death has no voice where the selfless stand confident, willing to know shallow pain for deep joy and temporary discomfort for forever rest.
jesus, unshakable rock, be my rest, my confidence, my willingness to feel pain - to feel it deeply - but to know joy infinitely deeper.