Wednesday, June 25, 2008


So life-
everything He said it would be.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


One thing I love and fear is when I catch myself vocalizing subconscious truths.
Today, I said, "God, I'm so excited about what you have in store. And I just want to love you..."
I'm desperate.
And excited.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008


I realized today that haven’t been allowing myself time to assess my life as much as I have been in the past months.

I’m not sure if I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts, or if I’m afraid to be alone with God and hear what he has to say- they go hand in hand, I guess.

Maybe I’m just so sick of spending so much time checking my heart and my motivation for doing things, which makes me feel so much more selfish.

But then a few weeks ago, God blessed (still trying to decide if it’s a blessing) me with the start of this season where I am more content than I’ve ever been. I have always thought that God calls us to be content, but these past few weeks, I’ve been there, and its no easier.

Contentment breeds complacency and apathy.

I’ve found myself, lately, in conversation with various people who share that they are struggling with life, with God, with people, relationships.

I’m jealous.

I never thought I’d be here. I always thought that if God would “bless” me with a content and easy season in life, I would absolutely bask in it, and that He could use me more than he ever has to be a blessing to other people.
But this isn’t the case. Apathetic is the only word that can describe where I am.
an apathetic workforce uninterested, indifferent, unconcerned, unmoved, uninvolved, disinterested, unemotional, emotionless, dispassionate, lukewarm, unmotivated, halfhearted; informal couldn't-care-less; rare Laodicean.

Laodicean?! That cuts deep. Flashbacks to prayer group last semester. I am NOT okay defining myself as Laodicean. I am not content if I am so disgusting to Jesus that he would spit me out of His mouth.

But then I let myself survey the situation. If I want to be the opposite of how I feel, I am afraid that I need to ask for brokenness. And what scares me is that I’ve done this before- the first week of my DTS in Israel, and He broke me- and changed me- more than I have ever experienced. But then I think I would need Jemimah. I would have to talk a trip to England and stay with Mimes for a few weeks, let God break me while Jemimah reads me like a book, prays for me, shares Scripture with me and encourages me like last time…

Emotionless, dispassionate, uninvolved. So so so not okay with me. But brokenness is equally unattractive. The only difference being that when I look ahead to what is in store months from now, only one path will make me more like Christ. And I can’t seem to get off of this verse from Hebrews:

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, WHO FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM ENDURED THE CROSS, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

…So I can’t figure out if the solution to my problem is to simply seek seek seek Him even though I’m feeling apathetic, or if I need to be desperate for brokenness.

For now, I’m diving into the book of Joshua and making the shift back toward worship music. I think that music has a bigger voice than I used to think. The 3 cd’s on in my cd player are Reik, Colbie Caillat, and Rascall Flatts. None of these are all that direct in pointing me to my Jesus. I have to wonder if a simple change here would make a difference.

So if its on your heart- or even if its not, I’d love for you to pray for me. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you will someday.

And if I can pray for you, let me know.

Monday, June 16, 2008


Gods’ Word speaks SO loudly. The Jews say that there are 70 faces to every scripture. I believe it.

Luke 9 says of Jesus, “As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightening.” This was the transfiguration. Rod says that Jesus was transformed as he spent time in God’s presence.

But I had to wonder how could Jesus change in any way that makes him any more perfect or any more God? I think its that because he was human, he was still limited in the capacity he had to understand God’s love for him, just maybe.

And so when we read these verses that talk about being changed by prayer and finding God when we pray, I have to understand that not to mean necessarily that our problems will be fixed or that we’ll learn large sums of information that we never knew, but that God will remove a few more of the scales from our eyes and our hearts each time we humbly seek him in prayer and that he will increase our capacity to understand his love for us.

And I guess then, that it is exactly that which I want more than anything else- to know how much I am loved by Him. And as a result of knowing, I am confident that everything else will fall right into place. And you know what? All I really want is to live the life that God intended for me to live, to do the work that he intended for me to do, and to be the blessing that he intended for me to be. I want that, and in order to have that, I need to know how much he loves me and to really know that, I need to know him. To know him, I absolutely need to be devoted to prayer.

But I struggle with prayer. I get burnt out quickly. I tend to get bored. Then I have to ask, how could Jesus pray and fast for 40 days and 40 nights? People say that’s an easy question- he’s God. Yeah, but what about what Philippians says- “he made himself nothing” and I think another translation says, “he emptied himself.” So he WAS God- yes- but he chose to put aside the things that made him God so that he could taste the life that we do. So for him, acting in human strength, to ceaselessly seek God for almost 6 weeks- I have to wonder- what is there to prayer that we’re missing?!

And can prayer really get boring? If prayer is meeting with God, what is it that I’m not getting? There is nothing dull or monotonous, dry or stale about who God is…


I’m just always thinking. Sometimes it stresses me out how much I think. My mind can seem to keep me trapped like some crazy little prison.

But the more I think about thinking- there’s a word for this- the more I am able to again distract myself from just simply thinking.

So I force myself.

Sometimes its as simple as turning off the radio in the car and putting down the cell phone.

Sometimes it involves retreating to the prayer garage for an hour or so.

Other times, like now, it works best to just sit alone at home, in my room, on my rarely-empty couch, with my computer (having no wireless internet is a blessing in disguise) and to write whatever comes to my mind.

Do you ever have seasons in your life when you think that a particular person is absolutely amazing? So you spend, if you’re honest, hours each day thinking about that person, praying about him and for him. Then at the end of however long that period of time lasts, you realize how ridiculous the whole thought was.

But our God is the God of Redemption. He takes what you thought was the most embarrassing and stupid, immature and senseless waste of your time and thoughts and finally then, once you’ve chosen to let go of that, He shows you how much He’s grown you as a result. He reminds you of how you wrestled with Him, like Jacob, and how much He loved and loves that. He lets you finally see how much He’s changed you. He restates that He loves you and has a plan, and you feel like yourself again.

It usually isn’t too long until someone else comes along consuming your attention- and that person is amazing too. And its not wrong to want to surround yourself with people like him, but the cycle begins again. Wrestling. Impatient. Learning. Learning. Learning.

I am learning to love these seasons that frustrate me the most. I feel like God is letting me understand time, in a sense, the way he does. Like Jesus, how Hebrews says, “for the joy set before him, he endured the cross…” I feel like there’s times in my life where amidst the crappiest stuggles, I can choose to take on this attitude and life for the joy set before me. It’s by the grace of God alone. I know this.

I think often about motives and about the things that we think, but don’t share with anyone. Sometimes it scares me to even let myself think about where my heart is most of the time. I am so selfish. I really am.Life seems to be all about me. I hate this. But another thing I find is that the more I am willing to admit this to God and to my family, and to my good friends, the more free I am of it. Its this huge power of Truth and Light. Learning to be really honest, not only with myself, but with people too- the ones that know me and the ones that I have to face on a daily basis.

So I try to be aware of who I am and what drives me. The really important thing for me is that when I catch myself at the point that I’m realizing something that I really hate about myself, I don’t allow myself to respond the natural way by shifting my focus. You know. The old turn on the radio, go clean something, go shopping, get on the computer…I keep my focus and let God speak. And it often hurts. It often requires me to sit down and journal about it or to write Katie a huge email all about things that she claims she loves to read- and I love her for it.

Here is something that I insist on:
Know who you are and what motivates you.
Quit being afraid of it.
Don’t run from it!
You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge (Dr.P.M.).
Know that you’re not at a point of completion yet and be okay with it.
Bask in the process of it.
Be changed.
Live with this motto: “With God’s help, I shall become myself” (Soren Kirkegaard).
Love Him.

Friday, June 13, 2008


(this is an old note, but still very much me...)

I’m not one of those people who is very good at posting notes for multitudes of people to see, nor do i really enjoy putting myself out there- on facebook of all places- but this is something that i didn’t feel i should keep to myself.

I’m sure we’re all well aware that we are constantly comparing ourselves to other people, specifically other girls. as a result we feel inadequate- in just about everything. chances are that if you feel inadequate about one thing, insecurity will spread into other areas of your life as well.
we have dreams and desires. most if not all of us dream of getting married. most of us dream of having a family.
just so you know-
the type of man you should want is one who is wholeheartedly pursuing God.
if you’re looking for a man that is desperate for you and your attention and affection, you’re headed towards a relationship with no stability,
because you will fail him.
you will make mistakes, and as long as you are what is filling that emptiness within him, you better be perfect. (ex. 20:3- i’ve found that even people can become ‘gods’ to us.)
but- if you are looking for a man that loves you as a companion, a partner, a best friend but is desperate for God more than anything else, you’ve found a man who has an invincible strength through his own weakness. (2 cor. 12: 9-10)

something that i’m learning is this:
(not that i’ve totally accepted it yet- aren’t we all in process?)
i, you, we have absolutely no justifiable right to feel inadequate. (gal. 6:4, eph. 2:10, gen. 1:27)
how often do you (i) forget that you have been created in and are continuing to be recreated in the image of God? how often do we forget that we have a relationship with the one and only God, who has been, is and will be in control of all things for all of eternity? we fail to accept that....

back to the whole comparing thing, something that i feel God is so desperate to communicate to each one of us:
“YOU- insert your name (because you know he knows YOU by name and is constantly speaking to you)- were in my thoughts since before the creation of the world... YOU are unlike every other person who has ever existed...YOU think like no one else...YOU treat people the way no one else does...YOUR relationship with me is like no one else’s...your passions, likes, dislikes, don’t compare to any one else’s...I created you with a purpose and such a specific plan that you have no options but to watch and see what I desire to do in and through your life.

i was talking with a friend and we were processing through what ‘obedience’ means. she started telling me what she felt God calling her to, and she was describing to me how she was choosing to be obedient to that.
i started feeling guilty that i wasn’t out there doing the amazing things she was, but also fearing that God was going to call me to those types of things and that’s when he hit me with the truth of it:
my relationship with him is (and has to be) so separate, so individual, so unique to me and my circumstances, personality, and heart that i don’t have the right to try to compare for a moment the details of who he has made me to be with who he has made someone else to be.
yup, there are alot of amazing women out there- and God’s desire for you, when you see those women out there pursuing his heart, is to be challenged and encouraged, not inadequate, inferior, or jealous...

Isaiah 43: 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

We have been blessed to be a blessing. I prayed before I posted this asking God if he wanted to encourage someone through it, and i know he does... so be encouraged. take his words to heart and walk in confidence. you are loved by the One whose love matters most...