Apathy

I realized today that haven’t been allowing myself time to assess my life as much as I have been in the past months.

I’m not sure if I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts, or if I’m afraid to be alone with God and hear what he has to say- they go hand in hand, I guess.

Maybe I’m just so sick of spending so much time checking my heart and my motivation for doing things, which makes me feel so much more selfish.

But then a few weeks ago, God blessed (still trying to decide if it’s a blessing) me with the start of this season where I am more content than I’ve ever been. I have always thought that God calls us to be content, but these past few weeks, I’ve been there, and its no easier.

Contentment breeds complacency and apathy.

I’ve found myself, lately, in conversation with various people who share that they are struggling with life, with God, with people, relationships.

I’m jealous.

I never thought I’d be here. I always thought that if God would “bless” me with a content and easy season in life, I would absolutely bask in it, and that He could use me more than he ever has to be a blessing to other people.
But this isn’t the case. Apathetic is the only word that can describe where I am.
apathetic
adjective
an apathetic workforce uninterested, indifferent, unconcerned, unmoved, uninvolved, disinterested, unemotional, emotionless, dispassionate, lukewarm, unmotivated, halfhearted; informal couldn't-care-less; rare Laodicean.

Laodicean?! That cuts deep. Flashbacks to prayer group last semester. I am NOT okay defining myself as Laodicean. I am not content if I am so disgusting to Jesus that he would spit me out of His mouth.

But then I let myself survey the situation. If I want to be the opposite of how I feel, I am afraid that I need to ask for brokenness. And what scares me is that I’ve done this before- the first week of my DTS in Israel, and He broke me- and changed me- more than I have ever experienced. But then I think I would need Jemimah. I would have to talk a trip to England and stay with Mimes for a few weeks, let God break me while Jemimah reads me like a book, prays for me, shares Scripture with me and encourages me like last time…

Emotionless, dispassionate, uninvolved. So so so not okay with me. But brokenness is equally unattractive. The only difference being that when I look ahead to what is in store months from now, only one path will make me more like Christ. And I can’t seem to get off of this verse from Hebrews:

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, WHO FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM ENDURED THE CROSS, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

…So I can’t figure out if the solution to my problem is to simply seek seek seek Him even though I’m feeling apathetic, or if I need to be desperate for brokenness.

For now, I’m diving into the book of Joshua and making the shift back toward worship music. I think that music has a bigger voice than I used to think. The 3 cd’s on in my cd player are Reik, Colbie Caillat, and Rascall Flatts. None of these are all that direct in pointing me to my Jesus. I have to wonder if a simple change here would make a difference.

So if its on your heart- or even if its not, I’d love for you to pray for me. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you will someday.

And if I can pray for you, let me know.