Seasons

I’m just always thinking. Sometimes it stresses me out how much I think. My mind can seem to keep me trapped like some crazy little prison.

But the more I think about thinking- there’s a word for this- the more I am able to again distract myself from just simply thinking.

So I force myself.

Sometimes its as simple as turning off the radio in the car and putting down the cell phone.

Sometimes it involves retreating to the prayer garage for an hour or so.

Other times, like now, it works best to just sit alone at home, in my room, on my rarely-empty couch, with my computer (having no wireless internet is a blessing in disguise) and to write whatever comes to my mind.

Do you ever have seasons in your life when you think that a particular person is absolutely amazing? So you spend, if you’re honest, hours each day thinking about that person, praying about him and for him. Then at the end of however long that period of time lasts, you realize how ridiculous the whole thought was.

But our God is the God of Redemption. He takes what you thought was the most embarrassing and stupid, immature and senseless waste of your time and thoughts and finally then, once you’ve chosen to let go of that, He shows you how much He’s grown you as a result. He reminds you of how you wrestled with Him, like Jacob, and how much He loved and loves that. He lets you finally see how much He’s changed you. He restates that He loves you and has a plan, and you feel like yourself again.

It usually isn’t too long until someone else comes along consuming your attention- and that person is amazing too. And its not wrong to want to surround yourself with people like him, but the cycle begins again. Wrestling. Impatient. Learning. Learning. Learning.

I am learning to love these seasons that frustrate me the most. I feel like God is letting me understand time, in a sense, the way he does. Like Jesus, how Hebrews says, “for the joy set before him, he endured the cross…” I feel like there’s times in my life where amidst the crappiest stuggles, I can choose to take on this attitude and life for the joy set before me. It’s by the grace of God alone. I know this.

I think often about motives and about the things that we think, but don’t share with anyone. Sometimes it scares me to even let myself think about where my heart is most of the time. I am so selfish. I really am.Life seems to be all about me. I hate this. But another thing I find is that the more I am willing to admit this to God and to my family, and to my good friends, the more free I am of it. Its this huge power of Truth and Light. Learning to be really honest, not only with myself, but with people too- the ones that know me and the ones that I have to face on a daily basis.

So I try to be aware of who I am and what drives me. The really important thing for me is that when I catch myself at the point that I’m realizing something that I really hate about myself, I don’t allow myself to respond the natural way by shifting my focus. You know. The old turn on the radio, go clean something, go shopping, get on the computer…I keep my focus and let God speak. And it often hurts. It often requires me to sit down and journal about it or to write Katie a huge email all about things that she claims she loves to read- and I love her for it.

Here is something that I insist on:
Know who you are and what motivates you.
Quit being afraid of it.
Don’t run from it!
You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge (Dr.P.M.).
Know that you’re not at a point of completion yet and be okay with it.
Bask in the process of it.
Be changed.
Live with this motto: “With God’s help, I shall become myself” (Soren Kirkegaard).
Love Him.