Sunday, December 10, 2017


i had the honor of writing for a blog(below) that our church was putting together for advent. read the rest of the blog here.

ISAIAH 7:10-14
Here Judah sits as the King of Aram and the King of Israel approach with their armies and threaten a likely defeat. Tensions are high and hope is at an all-time low as Judah’s army is no match for the partnership between the Arameans and the Israelites. (Note: This is when the kingdom of Israel is divided – the Northern Kingdom: Israel, and the Southern Kingdom: Judah).
In the seventh chapter of Isaiah, the prophet is sent to the terrified king of Judah to warn him, and subsequently the people of Judah, that they’ve misplaced their trust. 
Again the Lord spoke to Ahaz, “Ask the Lord your God for a sign, whether in the deepest depths or in the highest heights.”
But Ahaz said, “I will not ask; I will not put the Lord to the test.”
Then Isaiah said, “Hear now, you house of David! Is it not enough to try the patience of humans? Will you try the patience of my God also? Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will conceive and give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel.
God wanted to offer a sign. Ahaz missed the flashing lights. But still, God gives the sign he intended to give. He makes the grandest promise. I’ll come to you, He says, as a child, and the child will be Immanuel, God with you. 
Isaiah goes on in chapter 9, 
The people walking in darkness
   have seen a great light;
on those living in the land of deep darkness
   a light has dawned.
You have enlarged the nation
   and increased their joy;
they rejoice before you
   as people rejoice at the harvest,
as warriors rejoice
   when dividing the plunder.
For as in the day of Midian’s defeat,
   you have shattered
the yoke that burdens them,
   the bar across their shoulders,
   the rod of their oppressor.
Every warrior’s boot used in battle
   and every garment rolled in blood
will be destined for burning,
   will be fuel for the fire.
For to us a child is born,
   to us a son is given,
   and the government will be on his shoulders.
And he will be called
   Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God,
   Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.
Of the greatness of his government and peace
   there will be no end.
He will reign on David’s throne
   and over his kingdom,
establishing and upholding it
   with justice and righteousness
   from that time on and forever.
The zeal of the Lord Almighty
   will accomplish this.
When Isaiah references Midian’s defeat, what is the going through the mind of those who are hearing this prophecy in real time? Do you remember Gideon, one of the judges of Israel? You may recall the account in Judges 7 when God calls Gideon to go to battle against the Midianite army, which was grand in number. 
You watch as the scene opens and the main character stands on a dark hill overlooking the valley below where hundreds of thousands of people gather late into the night to launch their attack on the one you’re quietly but anxiously rooting for. 
Over the next few minutes you watch the reasons for hope flicker and soon your heart resolves to watch as the last stream of smoke whisks away the last bit of confidence that you had in your hero’s chances at survival, much less victory. 
The odds are so small. 
You watch as the crowd below seems to multiply spontaneously and you scan again the team that you believed in. 
    Three hundred compared against an army settled in the valley, thick as locusts. Their camels could no more be counted than the sand on the seashore. 
    The darkness continues to settle like a wet blanket, and standing under its ever-growing weight adds layers of despair. Your grip on hope is weak. 
    But then
    you hear a shatter
    and 299 of the same sound
    at the same time light pierces the darkness to the left, and to the right, and on the far side of the hill across from where your hero stands.
    He holds a torch in hand, a shofar in the other,
    the sound is deafening and the firelight so bright that your eyes haven’t had time to adjust.
    The 300 torch-bearing, horn-blowing soldiers stood in their place
    and that army in the valley below, the innumerable men and camels that had sucked almost all hope from your heavy heart,
    they destroyed one another 
    and the ones that remained? 
    They fled
    while the 300 rejoiced at the victory that was surely miracle. 
    Isaiah paints this picture, drawing the mind of his audience back to Gideon’s battle against the Midianites, and the growing hopelessness that many of the people of Israel felt as God limited Gideon’s army from 32,000 men to 10,000 men, to 300. 
    The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, ‘My own strength has saved me.’
    God knows. 
    He knows the tendency of the human heart. 
    He knows my heart to believe that my own strength is the reason for any success in my life. 
    He knows that the human mind cannot comprehend His power and authority, and certainly not the depth of His love.
    He knows.
    So, hundreds of years later, when he speaks to Israel, through Isaiah, 
    He promises a seemingly impossible salvation
    but artfully reminds the original hearers that He’s done this before.
    In 2017, we know that He can save and He did completely when Christ came as a helpless baby boy and lived a life of fellowship with God the Father and died a death cut off from the Father and He did all of it selflessly, for the glory of the Father and ultimately that each of us might share in that glory.
    Sister, is there a challenge before you today? 
    Is God gently walking with you, asking you to remember His past faithfulness and to trust in His current faithfulness?
    All throughout Scripture, He calls his people to remember and to trust Him who is able. 
    Practice this art of remembering today.
    Rest in His faithfulness
    Remember the countless accounts.
    Deuteronomy 8, Psalm 40 + 41, remember when He reveals to a despairing Elijah in 1 Kings 19 that He sees a picture so much grander than our limited eyes can see. 
    Dear one, may His character stand firm in your heart and mind and you traverse the hills, mountain-tops, and deep valleys of life. May you look back at His past faithfulness and look trustingly forward to His certain future faithfulness as you walk out your days with Him. May you know it is HIS faithfulness and HIS love that carries you. You can’t earn this greatest gift. He gives it freely so that it cannot be stripped of its power and worth – His Presence. Treasure Him today, treasure Immanuel. Your God is with you. Always.

    Sunday, October 8, 2017

    psalm 145

    I will exalt you, my God the King;
    I will praise your name for ever and ever.
    Every day I will praise you
    and extol your name for ever and ever.
    Great is the Lord and most worthy of praise;
    his greatness no one can fathom.
    One generation commends your works to another;
    they tell of your mighty acts.
    They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—
    and I will meditate on your wonderful works.
    They tell of the power of your awesome works—
    and I will proclaim your great deeds.
    They celebrate your abundant goodness
    and joyfully sing of your righteousness.
    The Lord is gracious and compassionate,
    slow to anger and rich in love.
    The Lord is good to all;
    he has compassion on all he has made.
    All your works praise you, Lord;
    your faithful people extol you.
    They tell of the glory of your kingdom
    and speak of your might,
    so that all people may know of your mighty acts
    and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.
    Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,
    and your dominion endures through all generations.

    The Lord is trustworthy in all he promises
    and faithful in all he does.

    The Lord upholds all who fall
    and lifts up all who are bowed down.
    The eyes of all look to you,
    and you give them their food at the proper time.
    You open your hand
    and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

    The Lord is righteous in all his ways
    and faithful in all he does.

    The Lord is near to all who call on him,
    to all who call on him in truth.
    He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;
    he hears their cry and saves them.
    The Lord watches over all who love him,
    but all the wicked he will destroy.
    My mouth will speak in praise of the Lord.
    Let every creature praise his holy name
    for ever and ever.

    Saturday, July 22, 2017


    it is because a definite faith is lacking to appropriate the spiritual blessings we desire that so many prayers appear to be fruitless. for such an act of faith not everyone is ready. in many cases, there is not a spiritual capacity to accept the blessing; it is where there is no true conviction of the sin of disobedience and consequently no true sorrow for it. often there is not a strong longing or purpose to obey God completely in everything. in others, there is no deep interest in the message of scripture: that God wants to perfect us to do his will, by His working in us that which is pleasing in His sight. in such cases the christian is content to remain a babe. he wants only the milk of consolation. he is not mature enough to bear the strong meat of which Jesus ate: doing the will of His Father.

    [a life of obedience, andrew murray, 1982]

    Tuesday, April 4, 2017


    re-learning rest - having given in to busyness, the reason why almost 11 months have passed since i've listed. that's not to say that I have't recognized gifts, but it's telling that the time it takes to type and list these things has been low priority. this week of "spring break" and cutting down from 50+ hours of work/week to just 18 feels like life again. it's that rest that God talks about in genesis on the seventh day when rest isn't the 24-hours of laziness that we tend to think rest should mean, but its an intentional time taken out of the week, holy, distinct from the other days, different in that God sat on His throne when He rested and managed all of his creation. He took up the reigns and organized and prioritized and took authority over His life. and its what i've felt called to for quite a while now, and this week has been that gift that i have needed. praise Him.

    and if you don't already know, a few friends and i have been archiving treasures like these for a few years now, on our way to 3000. you can follow along here:

    Thursday, January 5, 2017


    "if you can speak about what you care about to a person you disagree with, without denigrating them or insulting them, then you may actually be heard."
    -amy pohler

    Sunday, January 1, 2017


    everything in me wants to defend this fortress
    to "be true to myself" as i'm told to do
    because if i feel it, it must be true...right?
    it's shouted to me from each angle:
    feelings are the barometer of truth
    some days i try it out and i like how it feels
    and i rise to the top of the hierarchy of all things important
    they keep telling me this is right and good,
    this is the way to happiness and confidence and success
    i want it to be true
    because it feels empowering
    but i feel sick
    every time
    the instant gratification of being right and strong
    it does it's job, gratifying instantaneously
    then it flits away and takes everything with it
    and does nothing to improve the interpersonal
    or the intrapersonal
    finally in the early morning hours
    when eyes open sooner than usual
    and the mind spins circles so that sleep is no longer welcome
    i wonder if there isn't a way that yields more fruit
    because the rotten fruit that i've peeled from the branches until now
    has never found a purpose.
    i decide to try the opposite, experiment.
    the lowering of self to a place of minimum importance
    so as to look up to those previously labeled inferior
    i watch vulnerability blossom
    freedom and acceptance exhale
    and this feels even better
    more right
    more fruitful
    more life

    Tuesday, December 20, 2016


    selfishness stares me right in the face with an undeserved contentment on her own.
    i break eye contact and stuff my face back between pages. this only lasts so long and my mind jumps from one "what-if" to the next while my stomach ties itself like a shoelace, double-knotted.
    i read the same paragraph for the fourth time, retaining none of it. finally i exhale and the book lies facedown on the cushion and i close the soul-windows and allow my soul to be searched by the only One capable.
    selfishness is. but it is not master.
    selflessness is. greater reality. promise.
    if surrender. if the heart is willing to be broken and anchor it's hope in unshakable rock rather than drifty sand below sometimes- storm-tossed seas.
    rock. qualities and realities that don't change or move or depend on anything else to maintain their integrity.
    sand. always uncertain, tentative, contingent on performance and competition and comfort. and the wind and the moon and the creatures that manipulate it's resting place.
    selfishness is. but she holds no power that she isn't given.
    selflessness is. and holds all power. all authority. even death has no voice where the selfless stand confident, willing to know shallow pain for deep joy and temporary discomfort for forever rest.
    jesus, unshakable rock, be my rest, my confidence, my willingness to feel pain - to feel it deeply - but to know joy infinitely deeper.

    Friday, November 25, 2016


    "in Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and confidence"
    a few weeks ago ali recommended a group study of ephesians
    and because i was too deep in 3 other books [not in the bible, lest you think that i'm trying to make myself sound so honorable]
    at the time i didn't step in with the 3-4 that kept a steady dialogue going
    but later, now
    i remember walking those streets in early december exactly 10 years ago
    2000-year-old columns and structures that tell only whispered stories of what the prosperous city used to be
    but i remember hearing of the darkness that lived there, where the early church held on so faithfully to this new news of hope and purpose and messiah,
    i remember the stadium that created space for gladiators and lions and all of the helpless victims
    i remember talk of secret tunnels that led from library to brothel so the men of the city could indulge at whim without public knowledge
    and i read here
    that Christ came to create a new unified humanity out of the two volatile people groups
    that He made it possible for mankind to approach God with freedom and confidence
    until that moment of reconciling two humanities, of reconciling Creator with created
    there was no access to such relationship
    pain and suffering and death and confusion and loneliness landed heavily where they originated with no outlet for the burden and fear and distress
    and it would have been fitting, appropriate, deserved
    "like the rest, we were by nature deserving of great wrath. but because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ"
    all of the mercy, the punishment entirely deserved but withheld, all of the grace
    a good God, a kind and selfless outlet for all of the pain within which sinful humanity lives
    He carries the hurt and confusion and fear and offers a burden that is light on the shoulders,
    hopeful to the spirit
    and joy-filled, evident in the eyes
    His presence, immanence, companionship, and burden-carrying are the greatest gifts
    thank you, Jesus, for making a way where there was no way and where burden was forever our lot in life

    Saturday, September 5, 2015


    lindsey made me do it
    she made me run
    that's what i keep telling people
    and myself
    because if i'm doing it for someone else i can tolerate it
    i hate running
    and my last memory prior to this summer
    was running the warrior dash with all of my brother and sisters (that part was actually quite wonderful)
    but with some sort of respiratory ailment
    one that almost killed me at the first water obstacle
    when i didn't realize that the far side of that first barrel was bottomless lake
    i was all the way under
    and came up terrified
    just barely grabbing enough air to keep me going to the sand
    and 2 more miles of squishy tennis shoes
    complete with climbing and crawling obstacles
    then the finish line
    where kristi and i looked at eachother and agreed -
    i hate running. i'm never doing it again.
    but then lindsey made me do it
    and i got the app
    and i started [at least] trying
    but before i knew it
    i kind of liked it
    the rush of meeting the next goal,
    seeing the progress,
    working toward something that i'll share with a small group of friends
    friends who are as much family as friends
    so i keep trying and improving
    [except for today - i definitely walked some today]
    and i'm able to say that i'm loving running
    if we're getting technical though
    i'm loving the first mile and the completely expended feeling when the 3+ miles are passed
    those other miles in between are a blur - a miserable blur
    diluted by matt chandler and andy grammer and iin lectures, thankfully
    but the end result always seeps satisfaction and victory and pride
    and i'm glad that
    lindsey made me do it.

    Friday, June 12, 2015


    this year i started studying nutrition, a dream i've had ever since brooke told me about iin 7 years ago
    and i must say that next to Jesus i've never believed in something more
    this - this training in order to help other people -
    this is fun for me and i've received encouragement from trusted friends that this is a good fit
    as well as confirmation via peace, and so much joy in the learning process
    i'm thankful
    and God has made it clear to me that for now this is in large part what i should be investing my heart into
    and the little ones that are my responsibility from breakfast to dinnertime
    He's mentioned the possibility of an added responsibility for little hearts
    but before i say anything more about that i wait to see what comes out of a few upcoming conversations.
    i have a new home with a dear friend
    and this place is mine for the long term if i so choose and that feels good.
    this year i learned that i love to drive
    i love roadtrips to see friends and to explore this country
    st. louis and minneapolis at least, idaho to come
    i've seen 2 of my girls finish high school and plan for the next adventure
    my family will welcome twin babies!! in december...or november
    this year we'll send nathan and jana off to oxford, both reluctantly and joyfully
    and ben and jeanne to alaska
    and God, He's not going anywhere
    i've learned more of His steadfastness and the joy of remaining steadfast in trusting Him.

    but if i'm really honest,
    30 was not a milestone that i was excited to reach
    i expected to feel like such an adult by 30
    you know the same way you looked up to the seniors in high school
    when you were a short, skinny, greasy-haired freshman
    and they were all tall and beautiful with their curled hair and contact lenses,
    all loud and laughing in the hallways while you secretly cowered as you had to pass by them on your way to the science hall
    but then you get to senior year and you notice how little those wide-eyed freshmen are
    but you realize that you don't feel the way that you thought seniors were supposed to feel,
    that you don't feel as tall and beautiful and confident as they think you are
    but also
    that that doesn't detract from where you indeed are,
    the responsibility and the gift of years and added wisdom
    and then you get over yourself a little bit
    and realize that you're not as important as you think you are
    you're priceless and loved and gifted in impacting so many of those who are looking up to you
    if you can stop long enough to see what you can offer
    rather than wasting your time asking why the things you want haven't materialized
    so i've had to stop and ask for God's help in changing my attitude
    and to open my eyes to see the freshmen looking up at me
    and to pray that i can help them to see Jesus a little more clearly
    and to love Him more for always
    because this is so much of my purpose and i've always known that.

    "we are doing more good than we know, sowing seeds, starting streamlets, giving men true thoughts of Christ, to which they will refer one day as the first things that started them thinking of Him;
    and of my part, i shall be satisfied if no great mausoleum is raised over my grave, but that souls shall gather there when i am gone and say, 'he was a good man; he wrought no miracles,
    but he spoke words about Christ,
    which led me to know Him for myself.'"
    -george matheson