sacrifice

today hasn’t been a smooth one. i knew it the moment i started getting ready for my day. it was mid-morning before i ventured to ask God why i find my heart like this...

truly truly I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies it remains alone; but if it dies it bears much fruit.

the hardest thing I’ve ever been asked to do

surrendering my feelings for joy

refusing to demand my happiness from someone else, rather looking to a good Father to meet all of my needs, which He does, through Jesus. but. it doesn’t always feel that way. 

dying to my need to be right,

dying to my need for people to agree with me

when paul says of Jesus that he made himself nothing and gave up his life to death on a cross,

to understand the smallest part of what that means, 

death to pride

life on the altar, admittedly not my own

the goal, righteousness

the reward, Jesus

inevitably this path chooses things that others wouldn’t choose

following this Shepherd inevitably looks like nonsense to people who see the world differently

and inevitably, people who claim the same trajectory will label mine a lie

then the fork in the road where the decision stands between accepting the accusations with grace, all for righteousness, for Jesus, to produce fruit

or 

turn and fight the labels, the pointing fingers, the judgment

and the grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, remains alone, and produces nothing

but Jesus was led like a lamb to the slaughter, He remained silent

nevertheless His life (and death) have produced fruit that has produced more fruit, 

and that exponential

on the hardest of days i practice

my life on the altar of my Father’s goodness and grace and stunning immanence 

so people are allowed to remain on their paths, at the level of maturity in which God is working in them, the degree of control to which they’re willing to lay down,

and my mouth may remain silent

because i don’t need to convince anyone of anything (j tells me)

(and his dad reminded me, with such sweet humility too) neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow

His spirit alone does the changing work

it isn’t my battle to fight

my call is faithfulness, 

my call is life as sacrifice,

my call is death

and if i ever achieve this goal 

my life looks like kindness in persecution, joy in faithfuless

this, 

this is the greatest reward

this is the hardest peace

this is death for the purpose of life

this is fruit

john 12, philippians 2, romans 12, 1 corinthians 2.14, isaiah 53