Sunday, July 27, 2008


At prayer last night, Tony had us meditate on John 14:6…

Jesus answered, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life…no one comes to the Father except through me.”

As usual, God started to convict me about some things in my life. Control. This is one.
Living sold out for Jesus. No holds barred. No restrictions, limitations, or requirements. Is this me? Not yet.

I’ve been living this life…for Him…ish.

It’s like…have you ever gone running…on a slope? And I don’t mean running uphill or downhill, I mean trying to run horizontally across a hill. Its awkward, and its far more work than on a straightaway. Its unbalanced. One leg is stressed much more than the other and its just not natural.

We go through life trying- but never succeeding- to balance this need for control with this lack of control.

I think we never succeed here because we weren’t created to have control. We were created to look to the one who does and live out 2 Corinthians 10:9-12.

And it isn’t until we realize and accept this hopeless battle and then surrender to it, that we get anywhere in life.

So I’ve been keeping a death grip on a few things- none of which I’m willing to name- although many of you know- and God’s been sneaking them from me. He’s subtle, and gentle, and sly…and I appreciate that. But at times He tears things from me- quickly and painfully- granted, much less painfully than it would have been slowly- but when is it enjoyable to watch the “control” ebb away?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Wednesday, July 9, 2008


Today I learned
What life is supposed to be about.
You would think I would have known this by now.
My life feels like one big mass of confusion and frustration.
I sat down like David in Psalm 139:23-24 and asked Him.
Unable to think on one thing for much time at all, my mind racing, I just fell face down in worship.
And it was there amidst the tears, carpet, the smell of a dune grass candle, the dim light, baskets of laundry waiting to be put away, and Hillsong, that everything lined up. Finally.
I feel irresponsible to not allow myself to worry about all this stuff, but I think I need to break this way more often.
God, I am so desperate for you, and I’m sorry its so easy for me to dwell on what I am thinking and feeling, when worship is the only thing that will really free me.
And that’s what I want. Freedom.
I want to walk by the Spirit and do the things He’s asking of me. And I want to love it.
And I think that the more I spend my time living my life in light of everything He’s done and everything He is, what else could I possibly expect?
So, this is the first of many days where I’ll be saying “Screw my problems and frustrations and confusion. I want to know Him. I want to be increasingly humbled by Him.“ And it changes everything in an instant. And I want the Body of Christ to experience this amazing amazing amazing,,,ness.
Lord, you’re holy, and you’re mighty, and sovereignly in control of all things. And you love me. And I am absolutely accepting that. Thank you for putting me (and my “problems”) in my place, and thank you for the little seemingly tiny ways that you remind me of your presence and power.
I’m speechless.