Tuesday, December 30, 2008


"and i remember her eyes shining on a cloudy day, golden skin, my prayers lifted, O Lord, all i see in her is you..."

"All of Me", by Nathan and Jana English



I'm coming back.
For the past 2ish years, i've been living with this pseudo-sense of control.
I'm talking about facebook. and myspace. and countless other ways of thinking that i have control over what's going on around me.
And i don't think I want to feel like I have control over much of anything anymore.
I've been reading in Psalms, and in 1 Samuel, and in Isaiah, and Romans, and Malachi, and Ephesians...and i can't wait to read more and more and more...and i've realized that real control only ever exists when it's God's.
And all of the people who were the amazing people that we know as "heroes of the faith" were the people they were because they relinquished control and stepped into true reality.
This reality is that we cross the paths of other people- but we do this most genuinely and most passionately in person, in everyday cirucmstances, as God presents opportunities- so to dwell in the realm of actuality, the way He intended it, meant (for me) that facebook needed to be deactivated. and myspace.
it took some arguing between Him and I. But I like this :) the communicating with the One who's in charge of it all...and then i feel ridiculous for even thinking about arguing...
and I just don't know how much I am capable of loving Him, but I know that the more I cut out of my life, the more I can find out...and it is in this direction that I'm committed to walk.

So its here on this journey that I am wide-eyed, expectant, and curious, intrigued, eager to see what each new day holds.

Monday, December 29, 2008


This is who i want to be.


It is about time that this blog becomes what it was intended for- to be a testimony of everything that God is in and through my life.

Up until now it has been a little bit of all sorts of things. A place for me to share what God’s doing, but also a place for me to tell people what to do, a place for me to ask for prayer and a place for me to make myself look good.

But who I really am supposed to be is a woman who is confident, yet humble because of what Christ has done in my life. And it’s this perfect balance that I am striving for, that I have come to accept I may never fully know until I see Him.

The Christmas Eve service last night was all about bringing gifts before Jesus, giving testimony of what our lives are because of Him. I didn’t share in front but if I did, this is what I would say:
He has changed everything. This baby that was born to live, and love, and serve, and teach, and suffer, and die, has offered me a part in this script that He’s been writing since He created the world. And He offered it to me since June 12, 1985, and I’m just now learning what it means to have accepted the part that He has assigned me. It means that He has opened my eyes to reality- to what really is, not just what the world defines as reality- sex (outside of a Christ-centered marriage), alcohol, drugs, fashion, self-centered relationships, etc… This reality is that He is the only thing that has ever and will ever fill a void. And this huge change that has taken place in my heart is that He has taken my old desires and replaced them with ones that scream of life- and joy- and peace- and happiness. And it’s these things that so many people are trying and trying and trying for, but I have them because I gave up trying.

And sitting in my room right now I could scream because of how different my life is from 5 years ago. I was just like any other person that didn’t know. Sure, I was saved. But like Marcia said last night, to be saved is one thing, but to know Him- to really know you know Him- is something so much more fulfilling.

And I have that.

I don’t care what I look like.

I don’t care how “cool” any one thinks I am. I’m pretty sure there weren’t many people who thought Jesus was cool…

And the greatest thing is that my desire is no longer to fit in. My greatest desire is to be around people that LOVE Jesus with everything they have- even if this means they have to give up everything they have to follow Him.

And I am SO thankful for these people that He has place in my life to reflect Himself. And these are the kinds of people that I most enjoy being around, because I can fully be myself- this self that I’ve been describing. And its hard sometimes because my dream is to be able to fully be me around my own family. And I guess this is what prayer is for. I keep hoping and dreaming and praying, even if I have to cry about it- often. But my God is huge. And so I trust because

I. have. no. other. choice.

And I am weak, and helpless when it comes to most of the things I want most in this world, but because He’s not, I have joy.

And this makes me even more glad that my parents saw fit to stick that precious little 3-letter word between my first and last name.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008


(an old Fb note)

Today I learned...What life is supposed to be about.

You would think I would have known this by now.

My life feels like one big mass of confusion and frustration.

I sat down like David in Psalm 139:23-24 and asked Him.

Unable to think on one thing for much time at all, my mind racing, I just fell face down in worship.

And it was there amidst the tears, carpet, the smell of a dune grass candle, the dim light, baskets of laundry waiting to be put away, and Hillsong, that everything lined up. Finally.

I feel irresponsible to not allow myself to worry about all this stuff, but I think I need to break this way more often.

God, I am so desperate for you, and I’m sorry its so easy for me to dwell on what I am thinking and feeling, when worship is the only thing that will really free me.

And that’s what I want. Freedom.

I want to walk by the Spirit and do the things He’s asking of me. And I want to love it.

And I think that the more I spend my time living my life in light of everything He’s done and everything He is, what else could I possibly expect?

So, this is the first of many days where I’ll be saying “Forget my problems and frustrations and confusion... I want to know Him. I want to be increasingly humbled by Him.“ And it changes everything in an instant. And I want the Body of Christ to experience this amazing amazing amazing...ness.

Lord, you’re holy, and you’re mighty, and sovereignly in control of all things. And you love me. And I am absolutely accepting that. Thank you for putting me (and my “problems”) in my place, and thank you for the little seemingly tiny ways that you remind me of your presence and power.

I'm speechless.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


For the longest time, I’ve battled against this desire that I have to be seen and respected by others. And for the longest time I’ve fought because I have thought that it is wrong for me to want to be admired.

But it was by this in Psalm 31 that God changed my mind:

“How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.”

In the sight of men…for those who fear you…those who take refuge in you…

But then I’m discovering that when it is for the Name of Jesus that I desire these things, it can’t be wrong. They do, however, need direction.

I have a passion to be respected in whatever community I am a part of.

But I have this passion because I want Jesus, to know Him, to be known by Him, to look like Him in a world that needs His presence so badly, to love Him by feeding His sheep.

So yeah, I want to be somebody, but by being nobody. I want to be somebody because I want to be like Jesus and He will become more as I become less.


You're looking for direction.
You're asking- daily- what you are supposed to be doing with your life.
You're frustrated because you feel like you have no options and not even a hint of what you should be doing.
The question is of calling.
The question is asking what your life's purpose is.
The question, that you keep asking, has such a simple simple answer that I don't think you've considered. Or- if you have considered it, I don't think you are considering taking steps toward that solution.
Am I right?
And the thing is that you've tried, I think for years now, to figure out this direction thing on your own. But you need Him.
And you don't like this.
I'm really sorry that you are so unattracted to the only possible remedy to your suffering.
I am broken on your behalf- because this must feel hopeless. Hope-less.
I often wonder how I would feel if I wouldn't allow myself to turn to Him, to dump everything off onto Him, to cry to Him, to relinquish control to Him, to do everything that I do every day because of Him- because He is just the most faithful that I have ever experienced, the most responsible with control, the most accepting of my junk, and the most worthy.
And when I say worthy, I mean- worthy of my life, my plans, my heart, my desires, my day-by-day. All of it.
He is so in control.
His plan is so specifically detailed.
And our problem- our frustrations- exist because either:
we fail to know Him, or
we fail to know patience in waiting for His timing.
It is in knowing Him that you have a foundation for every aspect of life.
And I need you to know that I'm praying for you.
For you to know His desire for relationship- for time- with you.
For you to know His grace and that He's forgiven you through Christ.
That He has so much for you to do- and this is ironic, because as long as you've tried to find one thing to do and to love, He's had thousands of options just waiting for you-
But you will have to work off of that one foundation that will get you there...