Joy

It is about time that this blog becomes what it was intended for- to be a testimony of everything that God is in and through my life.

Up until now it has been a little bit of all sorts of things. A place for me to share what God’s doing, but also a place for me to tell people what to do, a place for me to ask for prayer and a place for me to make myself look good.

But who I really am supposed to be is a woman who is confident, yet humble because of what Christ has done in my life. And it’s this perfect balance that I am striving for, that I have come to accept I may never fully know until I see Him.

The Christmas Eve service last night was all about bringing gifts before Jesus, giving testimony of what our lives are because of Him. I didn’t share in front but if I did, this is what I would say:
He has changed everything. This baby that was born to live, and love, and serve, and teach, and suffer, and die, has offered me a part in this script that He’s been writing since He created the world. And He offered it to me since June 12, 1985, and I’m just now learning what it means to have accepted the part that He has assigned me. It means that He has opened my eyes to reality- to what really is, not just what the world defines as reality- sex (outside of a Christ-centered marriage), alcohol, drugs, fashion, self-centered relationships, etc… This reality is that He is the only thing that has ever and will ever fill a void. And this huge change that has taken place in my heart is that He has taken my old desires and replaced them with ones that scream of life- and joy- and peace- and happiness. And it’s these things that so many people are trying and trying and trying for, but I have them because I gave up trying.

And sitting in my room right now I could scream because of how different my life is from 5 years ago. I was just like any other person that didn’t know. Sure, I was saved. But like Marcia said last night, to be saved is one thing, but to know Him- to really know you know Him- is something so much more fulfilling.

And I have that.

I don’t care what I look like.

I don’t care how “cool” any one thinks I am. I’m pretty sure there weren’t many people who thought Jesus was cool…

And the greatest thing is that my desire is no longer to fit in. My greatest desire is to be around people that LOVE Jesus with everything they have- even if this means they have to give up everything they have to follow Him.

And I am SO thankful for these people that He has place in my life to reflect Himself. And these are the kinds of people that I most enjoy being around, because I can fully be myself- this self that I’ve been describing. And its hard sometimes because my dream is to be able to fully be me around my own family. And I guess this is what prayer is for. I keep hoping and dreaming and praying, even if I have to cry about it- often. But my God is huge. And so I trust because

I. have. no. other. choice.

And I am weak, and helpless when it comes to most of the things I want most in this world, but because He’s not, I have joy.

And this makes me even more glad that my parents saw fit to stick that precious little 3-letter word between my first and last name.