confident

you just have to be more confident, he told her
you'll be good enough if you were only more confident
try harder to be confident (or at least appear that way)

but she became more anxious
all the while knowing that, for his approval,
she needed to be more secure, more sure of herself
and what he meant as loving, constructive criticism
trapped her in a prison of circular reasoning
trying harder
grasping to find the corner in a round room

because just maybe
we live in a context that misunderstands
this precious confidence
that gets so much of our [subconscious] attention

although we all try,
we don't build our confidence by trying harder, do we?
eventually
we have to place our confidence in something or someone,
find something or someone outside of ourselves that can bear the weight of our hopes and fears
for some people it is a relationship that promises security and safety
for some people it's a dream job or lottery winnings or credentials
and for you?

that's one of the beautiful things in life -
you get to choose where you place your hope and who/what determines your confidence
you get to choose who or what is worthy of your trust
you get to choose which voice(s) speaks value into your life

choose wisely, my friend
test everything,
hold on to the good
hold on to the unshakable
exude confidence because you placed yours in something that is sure

imagine

[i can only imagine]

i was all tears
i snuck in a bag of snap peas into the theater, even a lacroix
but i forgot a kleenex
[its okay though, i also brought in a sweatshirt which served just fine as an oversized tissue]

this story represented so much of what my heart has been crying out in this season
for myself, for friends, for family
acknowledged brokenness
spoken fears
surrendered insecurity
anger, laid down

for honesty regarding our own wounds

adults willing to wrestle with the damage done by broken people
but still to choose the grace to forgive
because of jesus
because He forgave (forgives) every damaging thing that i've done
to myself and to others
mercy upon mercy
as He took all punishment for all of my mess
and in those moments of shame and insecurity He gently reminds that it still rests there on the cross
far from the memory of this good and perfect Father who accepts me as righteous now, without condition
and it becomes real
when this unearned compassion
bears fruit
fruit as forgiveness
fruit as transparency
fruit as grace extended out
because of grace experienced in

it's kindness to those who, without the power of the Spirit of Jesus,
haven't been able to make right the damage that they've done, to others and to themselves
it's letting go of the expectation that they will ever be able to see or acknowledge it
it's accepting that sin has so tainted every relationship we experience
that no one is expected perfection
even if that means that we are left grieving the relationships that will never be
the ones that never lived up to their potential
the ones in which people weren't able to see how beautiful it could have been had they lived into what God designed
knowing Jesus
He gives us the grace, freedom, to let people out of the boxes of our expectations for them
to accept the reality of their abilities, capacities, brokenness
and trust God to do in them the work that only He has the authority to do
with His patience, His tenderness, His kindness that leads to repentance

so this prayer that has echoed in for all these weeks and months
echoes out on through letters on a keyboard
that You, beautiful Jesus, would bring the broken places to the surface,
that You would lovingly drag the secretly-hurting into a safe place of vulnerability
that Your beloved sons and daughters would
acknowledge
identify
name (without blame)
the hurt that we've experienced
and that we'd watch with expectation as you
heal
redeem
restore
bring life to the dead places
for Your glory + our joy

cruciform

the ancients believed that their leaders were image-bearers of their gods.
pharaoh, for example, was the image-bearer of the egyptian sun god, ra.
this idea, though, is grounded in reality.
God says in genesis 1 that He created the first man and woman in His image. and subsequently, every person whose life origninates from adam + eve (i would argue this is every human who has ever existed, and each one to come) then also bears this same image, God's image, and a significant identity and purpose to represent God to the world.
His goodness, His kindness, His justice, His grace, His integrity, His work ethic, His love for unity within diversity.
"problems arise when people determine that they are more of an image-bearer than others" said dr. jonathan greer,
and then referencing deuteronomy 7, "the Lord did not set his affection on you [israel] and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. but it was because the Lord loved you..."
"proceed in humility" dr. greer cautioned us.
and it struck a chord with this heart that has been wading through a heavy season of testing and sharpening and hard but good. so hard, but so good. the oh-so-painful-but-still-i-wouldn't-trade-it for-ease-and-comfort kind of hard.
because we're free to deeply and genuinely love all people when we recognize how undeserving of love we ourselves truly are.
we're free to give [kindness, forgiveness, grace, approval] to those who have hurt us, when we can see through eyes of humility.
but we don't simply choose to be small before others, this too is a gift, and it is one we must ask for daily, and probably multiple times each day.
to be honest, i don't do this well. sometimes i find myself going days, weeks, riding on my own perceived strength and successes, until God, in His grace, lets me feel all of the things that i naturally am apart from Him.
i see the ugliness and selfishness of this heart that forgets that i can do all things through Christ, and nothing apart from Him.
i experience the debilitating effects of anxiety when i've failed to look to Him for my next steps, but this anxiety, is also in these moments the greatest gift as it points me back to the truest north.
i feel hopeless and lonely until i turn back and see that God, whose image i bear to the world, is also my constant companion and my joy.
i'm thankful, thankful that we haven't been created to live this life without purpose or in isolation. i'm thankful that the God whose image i bear is willing to let me feel pain to be reminded that He alone promises a life without pain, sadness, fear, loneliness, anxiety, regret, sickness, death. because He alone has the words of life and the keys to life and He alone promises that He will come back here, when the time is best, and He will renew, restore, re-create.
if we trust Him and remember our place: undeserving, but fully and completely loved,
then we're free to give the same kind of love, the kind that doesn't need to be earned, because it is gift, grace, cruciform.