Sudden.

okay, so, its just that everything seems to be coming down all at once.
my family.
i hate when it feels like i have a list of things to complain about
and i am pretty good about recognizing that my life is no more crazy or extraordinary than anyone else's on a given day, but this is just one of those.

so first there's my mom's best friend who is dying of cancer. this has been a couple of years now, but i her time is just now drawing to a close and this has been hard to witness. the man she's been married to for at least 30 years wishes she'd die. but she has Jesus- to the full- so its been okay.

then there's my dad. mom called me yesterday. "I just wanted you to know we're going to pick up a truck for dad to use." "Why? What happened to his?" "He was driving, saw a deer, hit a tree, and totalled it." "Mom! Is he okay? He NEVER wears his seat belt....!?" "Yeah, he has a few cuts and bruised ribs, but the airbags went off, so he was okay."
And i'm thinking, 'God, one detail off from the way it happened and i wouldn't have my dad anymore..." Talk about thanksgiving...

then there's my uncle Dale. He had a surgery on his colon last week and was in recovery and apparently came down with an infection in his intestine-
and this morning, exactly a week after his surgery, my aunt made the decision to pull the plug on his life support.
he was her BEST friend in the whole world. they had a great relationship. he knew Jesus though.

and ALL of it just kills me.
and its because i expect things to be perfect.
"Tam, its just that you want heaven," Chelsea says.
and that is the only way i can understand how i feel about it all.
i want to see perfection so badly and to quit witnessing the pain and the sin and the weeping and sorrow and regrets...