Ps. 4.4

...when you are on your beds, search your hearts and be silent...

in my life experience and observations, those who take seriously these words [of david] are the most healthy people, holistically speaking, at any given time.

this introspection is a thing of humility, and humility is the key to life. and by life i don't just mean having air in your lungs, i mean this abundant life that Jesus promised.

and this humility [that Jesus so faithfully displayed and of which i still am inconceivably overwhelmed] surrenders to the fact that we are subject to a standard, to Truth, that is so much more than guidelines and a series of rules, black and white. it is the subjection of man to this standard that is only understood through relationship with the One who is sovereign.

it frustrates me that many, or most rather, are unwilling to assess their thoughts, their attitudes, their motives, and to truly accept with discontentment, anything that is less than good.

and probably, most of this unwillingness is due to a lack of understanding of the standard by which we were indeed created to live. and much of this, counter-sequentially, is because of a straight rejection of the Spirit of God.

and herein lies the root of every imperfection of today. and ever.

and the solution is only prayer. because there is not one thing that any individual can do to change any other. just as there is not one word, one eloquently crafted sentence or monologue that can impact any other person, except by the work of the Spirit.

and we have to know Him.

I have to know Him.

ph. 3.8, 10

proven

when asked of my dreams and goals,
i usually have to answer vaguely or generally.
because
i just don't know.
sometimes dreaming scares me
because then i am sort of setting up these expectations,
expectations that i might fail to meet.
am i that afraid of failure?
it appears that way.
much of my life, this fear has driven me
to play it safe [i remember j saying this]
to avoid risks,
to give in to fear.
but if perfect love casts out all fear, what am i not comprehending of this love?
it isn't that He hasn't proven Himself
because over and over He has.
it is that i, again and again, in my pride,
fail to humble myself under His leading
and believe in His promises.

i will never leave you nor forsake you.

i have loved you with an everlasting love.

perfect love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for His friends.

i do not change.

i have plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

...and...i'm sure this is just a start.
but what will it take for me to actually live like i believe Him?
it will take me seeking HIM preliminarily.
and seeking His Son and His Word are it. His two most specific revelations of Himself and His heart.

You can pray for me to seek these things wholeheartedly. like joshua. and then i can have an inheritance like hebron.

because i'm no different than joshua in that i am under the same limitations of humanness. faith is not something that comes and goes like happiness or like tiredness. it is something that i must choose. and the more i learn to choose to believe, the more naturally it comes.

and i shall learn.

Purpose

i want to be someone of whom it can be said,

she makes mistakes well.

and by this i mean that i want to be someone, not who lives life in fear of making mistakes (because this is who i tend towards), but someone who anticipates mistakes, but understands that the way in which i respond to those mistakes is really what will identify my character.

and i think that the proverbs 31 woman can seem perfect, but i bet you that she made plenty of mistakes, but i bet that she made them well. and with humility.
i bet that she had a heart sensitive to the hearts of other people that she also had an awareness of hurts that she had caused.
and i just bet that her response was to acknowledge where her own depravity had allowed her to slip. because she had an understanding that a mistake is not the enemy. failure is not the enemy. broken relationship is.

and where as we don't have the power to control whether or not a mistake might take place, we can control how we maintain our relationships. and what love looks like.

i'm reading this book (thank you erin!) called Loving Our Kids on Purpose by Danny Silk.
i didn't know what to expect. a little cheese maybe? but it is astounding me- the insight and wisdom in the pages of this book.

"So at the heart of godly parenting is the conviction that the mistakes and failures of our children are not the enemy. The real enemy is bondage. And if we don't teach our children how to walk in and handle freedom, they won't know what to do with it. They may stay safe through Christian elementary school and Christian college and then they will go and wrap themselves in a religious environment and say, "Control me from the outside because if any of this went away I think I would disintegrate!" And later they will say, "I married a control freak so I wouldn't fall and we secretly and not so secretly hate eachother. But we go to church." It's a big bummer. To fear our children's poor choices is to teach them to be afraid of freedom."