proven

when asked of my dreams and goals,
i usually have to answer vaguely or generally.
because
i just don't know.
sometimes dreaming scares me
because then i am sort of setting up these expectations,
expectations that i might fail to meet.
am i that afraid of failure?
it appears that way.
much of my life, this fear has driven me
to play it safe [i remember j saying this]
to avoid risks,
to give in to fear.
but if perfect love casts out all fear, what am i not comprehending of this love?
it isn't that He hasn't proven Himself
because over and over He has.
it is that i, again and again, in my pride,
fail to humble myself under His leading
and believe in His promises.

i will never leave you nor forsake you.

i have loved you with an everlasting love.

perfect love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for His friends.

i do not change.

i have plans to prosper you, not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.

He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

no good thing does He withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

...and...i'm sure this is just a start.
but what will it take for me to actually live like i believe Him?
it will take me seeking HIM preliminarily.
and seeking His Son and His Word are it. His two most specific revelations of Himself and His heart.

You can pray for me to seek these things wholeheartedly. like joshua. and then i can have an inheritance like hebron.

because i'm no different than joshua in that i am under the same limitations of humanness. faith is not something that comes and goes like happiness or like tiredness. it is something that i must choose. and the more i learn to choose to believe, the more naturally it comes.

and i shall learn.