symmetry

integrity.
something i've been praying for more than ever.
i am capable of a deeper, fuller consistency
and i've felt it very strongly this week.
a brother points out my timely sarcasm.
all the chairs are circled though no one else hears his rebuke.
i'm humbled and grateful
as God Himself is speaking these words.
circled again
with some of my most precious friends
while their tinys run bare the carpet on the stairs.
i'm uncomfortable
then quiet
but quiet feels right.
and as i take the steps to learn the humility of thinking of self less
i hear each word, tone, emotion of what these beautiful ones are saying
because listening, hearing, engaging defines love.
and integrity
is being the same person when i'm excited
or mad
or tired
or with friends who know all of my secrets
or those who have yet to even learn my name
much less my desperate love for middle names, words, walks, laughter.
integrity is sameness in the valley or on the mountaintop
it is faithful friendship whether i'm content or unsatisfied,
whether frustrated or elated because my friends just had their first baby. a girl.
integrity trusts that God is constant
and able to meet each of my needs
in any season
regardless of how i feel.

feet

Feet home to more than 100 fungi
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-22622689

ya'll make fun of me but look who knew what she was talking about.

metacognition

a wierd word, perhaps, but i thank my precious college years for those psychology classes and for forcing me to think about, well, thinking.

this year has fostered growth that has me still processing
this reality sat in front of me a few weeks ago
as we celebrated with another class of students who, the following day, would be graduating from college,
and they sat in the same seat that i sat in exactly one year ago.
and if i'm honest, which i intend to be on this blog,
i was graduating into what felt like a vacuum of uncertainty.
definitely excited to be finished with homework, papers, tests, loads of required reading, chaotic schedules, and late nights,
but equally uneasy about stepping out of that world into this one.

i felt directionless.

i remember telling n & j that i find it very attractive when a man knows exactly what he wants and where he is going in life,
and even more memorable was his response, "i understand that, tam, but it can also be very unrealistic, even immature, when a man thinks he has his life all planned out."
life ebbs and flows, he explained, and as necessary and motivating as dreams and goals are, more attractive should be a man who finds rest in the unknowns of life because he trusts His Father, who is constant.
a false confidence, really, is what i used to love.
its what i used to strive for and it is the mask that i, also, used to wear,
though quite unsuccessfully.

this year has taught me to embrace the unknown because my confidence does not depend on my, nor anyone else's, ability to control the twists and turns that lay ahead
but my peace is due to the ability of my faithful Savior to raise valleys and to make the high places low.
he calls me to straight paths, not because life could ever promise to be so simple
but because 
You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.  
Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.

i am forever grateful for the work that God has done over the past year,
for the friends, the mentors, the challenges, the encouragement that i've received. 
gifts. all of them. 
the ups. the downs. 
and i know me so much more now. 
this knowledge has necessarily yielded much unwelcomed humility
but it is only in that place that i've ever gained real wisdom
and real love.

and most exciting for me is the discovery that it is out of resting in this attitude of trust
that i do my best dreaming, planning, studying, learning. 
a real gift
from the best Gift-giver.