29

the few years before this last seemed to have so many changes that i had so much to share, always.
this past year has seen consistency, which is relatively unfamiliar to me lately, but which i am coming to love more than the constant change.
God is so particular in the details that He ordains,
and the pieces of the story that have left me the most frustrated and disheartened
are the very details that have most prepared me for the pruning and maturation that He has been actively fostering in my life.
and it is now, at this place in time where i can see more of myself and more of my context than i've ever been able to before,
it is now and here that i am most softened to my need for His help and i try to wade through the day to day with
patience
wisdom
joy.
and it is from here that i can look back and see how He has answered so many of our unfinished conversations.
we have our youth pastor and a new season will begin soon.
as one of my greatest joys, my small group 6
will take some sort of new direction
...high school juniors and seniors
and em + i so [tearfully] proud of each of them.

these lifelong friendships
this year, for some reason, uncomfortable, challenging
yet now still strong, or even more so.

and that as-long-as-i-can-remember battle with myself
but with God's help i shall become myself.
and that kirkegaard quote that i have always loved
has taken on a new meaning this year.
i've found real rest
a rich and dense freedom
when Christ alone is my satisfaction
and He, who knows me more intimately than any other,
delights in the self that is free from performance or insecurity.
29 + single = still joy
and children, from sunrise to dinner time = Gospel, for the most valuable fruit
home = friendship of the truest kind. the generosity, patience, grace that i've received translates to that which i am learning to give in return.

so when you say there's something there that wasn't there before (go ahead and sing it, i am),
it is confidence. His.
and rest. mine.
and that same joy. gift.

the Lord makes firm the steps of the one who delights in Him. psalm 37.