"Now, With God's Help, I Shall Become Myself"

it's an honor
to be at a place with God where He doesn't cater to my need for all of those feelings
feelings of His presence in my life
feelings of happiness
feelings of satisfaction, having received what i asked for
i'm grateful
that at this point in my journey with Him
i depend on the history,
the one that He's written,
more than on my present circumstances.
His story from the first accounts of the creation of the world,
and my entrance into His story,
from the first recollections i have of life under this sun
up until the present moment
it's an honor to be counted worthy
to be trusted with the deepest of truths
when my circumstances change or disappoint
or leave me feeling lonely, dissatisfied, or hopeless
i can still cling to
the Rock that is higher than i
for in this is all my value, and my joy.
when the unshakable Rock raws the hands but the grip remains firm,
when everything apart from this Rock is shaken,
these hands, this body, this soul+mind+heart
is satisfied with everything it could ever need

and thank you, my precious Jesus,
for responding 'no' when my request for emotionalism is childish
when i'm asking for some impulsive form of assurance that you're present
or some confirmation that you are indeed good
when you've proved yourself to only, always be so

i count it an honor to be told no
when i already know
that You know
what i need