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all in a week.
i have experienced such peace in knowing that i am where i am supposed to be.
and wondering
if i'll ever want to leave here.
dinner tonight, for example, eating with friends,
laughing, sharing our lives, being honest about who we are and what we're about-
then all the sudden remembering that i used to categorize these brothers
alcoholic. homeless. addict. dangerous?
and now i look and i just see brothers.
yes, still addicts, alcoholics, homeless.
but so much more friends and neighbors. people. just as valuable. just as purposed.
these people that i am so blessed to be able to share life with.
to hear their stories, to be allowed into their struggles, to have the opportunities to intercede on behalf of them.
and to see "being the church" become so real over the last two weeks.
this becomes an addiction-
by the grace of God-
that i never want to be free of.
as He begins to transform my idea of His heart as Father
and as He begins- yes, only begins- to teach me to love as He teaches me of His love for me.
and as undeserving as i am
in my pride and selfishness and pessimism
He
proves Himself to be the one thing that we know we can run to at our most desperate.
not just a prayer room.
not magic.
a place of love and desire and purpose.
and as much work as the last five weeks have been,
i hope that the rest of my weeks look like this.
seeing people transformed and hungry and hopeful because of Love.

acknowledge

there isn't really any one specific thing that i can pinpoint as the cause for whatever this is that i'm feeling lately,
but i will just try to explain.
tomorrow marks a full month that i've been here.
and i cannot question that i'm supposed to be here, because i know.
however, my frustration comes from this feeling of impassable selfishness.
and exhaustion.
and when it comes down to it, i'm sure it is pure desperation for God's presence and His filling of joy and the ability to love by His power.
and so- to pinpoint the problem is one part
and the solution is another.
stepping towards the only One who can fix the problem.
but how, especially when lack of will and lack of desire get in the way
and maybe they don't just get in the way, they own the path.
then what?
i guess this is when i have the need to choose it- regardless of how i feel,
regardless of what comes easily.
because the Christian life definitely doesn't come easily.
i have had these times where my heart (or mahart) knows exactly what i should do,
but my mind, will, emotions, or maybe its just my flesh- have no desire whatsoever to do that which i know i should,
to the extent that i have to scream and cry because there is no frustration like the one when your heart and your soul are in conflict.
but i know this experience isn't just limited to me.
David talks about this too,

^{Psalm 42:5}
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?"

acknowledging the disagreement between the heart and the soul,

"Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and ⁶ my God."

choosing to dwell on the truth of ultimate reality, that God is the one place where hope can be found, that He is worthy of praise- always- because He has redeemed,

"My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar."

committing to focus on the ways that He has proven Himself faithful.
so.
many.
times.
before.

With

'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus
just to take him at his word
just to rest upon his promise
just to know 'thus saith the Lord'

Jesus Jesus
how I trust him
how I've proved him o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus
precious Jesus
oh for grace to trust him more

I'm so glad I learned to trust him
precious Jesus, savior friend
and I know that he is with me
will be with me to the end

Jesus Jesus
how I trust him
how I've proved him o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus
precious Jesus
oh for grace to trust him more

Jesus Jesus
how I trust him
how I've proved him o'er and o'er
Jesus Jesus
precious Jesus
oh for grace to trust him more
oh for grace to trust him more

[Casting Crowns version]

Joshua 1:5
As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

Poor

i have this desire
for God to completely change who i am.
the desire of my heart in this moment is to be a person who speaks words of life and truth.
only life and truth.
and to be so poor in spirit that i walk in a constant state of humility.
i appreciate God's faithfulness so much more in these seasons,
even his faithfulness in granting us the things that we ask according to his will.
spiritual inefficiency.
he gives it freely because it is his desire for me.
and it doesn't make me happy to be poor in spirit.
but it feels better than everything else.
this is joy.
and it is in these rare moments that my steps intersect and align with reality.
the purpose of my life, and yours,
is to look like him to a world that doesn't have a clue how much it needs him.
a world that strives and strives for happiness...rather than joy
and for a temporary, easily-accessible satisfaction...
rather than permanence.
i agree that i must become less
and he must become. so. much. more.

he>me

Pranks

(Part III in a series of catching up)

Yes, i know i am at least a day late with this one.
And yes, i know that i am skipping a bit on community.
That may need to come later.

A slightly more interesting deal is this thing that was going on since before i moved in.
i believe it all started because the boys; Michael, Daniel (aka Dan Mike), and Jordan; have a fascination with hiding around corners and scaring people, for the sake of catching a reaction i guess. (i, however, would never do such a thing)
for a few days, Charla was the lone female in the house but this did not stop her from retaliating when Michael and a few extras crumbled up old bread into her bed.
So she proceeded to compile a stew of rotting foods that had been left in the back of the girls' fridge for months.
This treat was placed underneath Michael's bed in his and Jordan's room. As Charla waited for the putrid mass of nastiness to be discovered, i moved in. the waiting went on for a few days until we got the idea to conceal inside the heating vents a few pleasant diapers from our little 2-year-old friend. finally, they found their gifts.
the next tuesday morning, we hit the road for minneapolis.
upon arriving home monday morning at 2am, we discovered that our precious boys had returned the favor.
i'm not sure i have ever smelled something more dreadfully nauseating than the smell that erupted from our living room as we ascended the stairs and opened the door early that morning.
raw chicken stuffed behind the refrigerator,
as well as in the closet, and inside the stovetop,
rotting cheese in the vents,
and souring half & half under the couch.
Mmm. fantastic, yes?

and now the deal is that the girls may strike one last time before we call a truce.

this shall be interesting...