acknowledge

there isn't really any one specific thing that i can pinpoint as the cause for whatever this is that i'm feeling lately,
but i will just try to explain.
tomorrow marks a full month that i've been here.
and i cannot question that i'm supposed to be here, because i know.
however, my frustration comes from this feeling of impassable selfishness.
and exhaustion.
and when it comes down to it, i'm sure it is pure desperation for God's presence and His filling of joy and the ability to love by His power.
and so- to pinpoint the problem is one part
and the solution is another.
stepping towards the only One who can fix the problem.
but how, especially when lack of will and lack of desire get in the way
and maybe they don't just get in the way, they own the path.
then what?
i guess this is when i have the need to choose it- regardless of how i feel,
regardless of what comes easily.
because the Christian life definitely doesn't come easily.
i have had these times where my heart (or mahart) knows exactly what i should do,
but my mind, will, emotions, or maybe its just my flesh- have no desire whatsoever to do that which i know i should,
to the extent that i have to scream and cry because there is no frustration like the one when your heart and your soul are in conflict.
but i know this experience isn't just limited to me.
David talks about this too,

^{Psalm 42:5}
"Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?"

acknowledging the disagreement between the heart and the soul,

"Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and ⁶ my God."

choosing to dwell on the truth of ultimate reality, that God is the one place where hope can be found, that He is worthy of praise- always- because He has redeemed,

"My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar."

committing to focus on the ways that He has proven Himself faithful.
so.
many.
times.
before.