beauties

[grace]
days like today
i am beyond thankful that i have you.
the one friend that i run to, consistently.
and i want to understand what it is about you that makes your home such a place of shelter to me.
such simplicity. of thought, of love, of grace, of humility, of peace.
i love you.


[wisdom]
and why is it that you are the woman that you are?
why is it okay that you have such freedom to rest,
[while he works]?
a question through which i seek to understand the depth of this relationship that you have with our Father,
because i know this is why you are free to be home,
free from obligation and people's expectations.
preparing a place for a new little life,
and so faithfully committed to the two most important ones in your life and the One you live to honor.

[joy]
what will you teach me of Him?
i am anxious to have back you and the abundant life that accompanies you

[untitled]

so i'm honestly sitting here asking, "why this season? what was this about?"
and all i hear in response is, "He who called you is faithful."
But really?
Why?
When what i love is these kids who are not living around me.
And when i compare what i do to what everyone around is me is doing
and my only conclusion is: failure; then what?
"The One who calls you is faithful."
He is faithful...?
Okay.
So then i have to believe that He was faithful in calling me then.
and He is faithful in calling me now...
So then it is not because of what i can see or what i can chalk up as my successes
but because He wanted to show me that
He is working when i don't see it.
He has taken to heart my prayers and He has treasured my worship
and He has given me gift after gift.
the greatest being a frail beginning towards humility.
however, only a piece of all that i need, but the one gift i have longed for and loved to receive more than any other.
because it has nothing to do with me being able to look back and inventory the fruit that i have toiled to achieve,
but because He needs me to look back now and see that i have begun to learn how to abide,
how to cling to the vine and simply be a branch, fully dependent
on His root system, his strength, His care
and He has been pruning these things this past season,
the things that He sees that i do not do well.
trust and rest.
i do not walk confidently because i do not trust that He is strong enough to handle the things that i think depend on me.
i do not rest in His grace; rather, i stress under the assumed scrutiny of every single person, having only ever experienced brief moments of beautiful rest.
i just like to control things.
or maybe it isn't that i like to control things, but that i fear that if i don't control things, chaos will ensue and i will look like a failure.
and this i hate.
but my Jesus was willing to look like the ultimate failure in the eyes of the world because of obedience to the One who called Him.
and i get that what God asks is unnatural, and probably often completely contrary to what makes sense.
randy said it tonight. it will probably feel like a type of suicide because Jesus asks us to die to ourselves and to be willing to put to death any part of ourselves that isn't fully surrendered at the God's feet...
and another gift is this friend who is something so uniquely special. bold. and a fighter. and wise. and faithful. and one from whom i still need to learn so much.
and another friend, who like a mom, and like a sister, but so much like Jesus that sometimes i have to wonder if she's real. proverbs 31 is what i call her.
and those men who seek and seek and seek Him.
he says, "i'm learning to re-examine the ways in which i have always done things, hold them in the light of God's holiness, and ask, does this please You?"

psalm 52.8

i've been wrestling with what it means to have God's love
and i came to the conclusion that i struggle to trust Him
and to walk in much confidence at all
because i cannot grasp His love
and i know a lot of people who can't understand it and they end up apart from him
walking parallel, maybe, but apart
and apart from Him,
we can do nothing. and life is not worth living.
so, wrestling with this for myself,
i realize that i can grasp His faithfulness and His voice and His provision and protection
i've seen Him prove these things.
so then what does it mean that He loves me? what does His love look like?

it looks exactly like these things.

i think, 'what does it mean that my dad loves me (my dad, the one on my birth certificate, that is)...?' 'how do i know and feel that love?'
he's faithful and he speaks to me and with me. he provides and protects me.
i remember the traumatic ride on his old motorcycle when i was 7 and he protected me. and k. i remember him paying for my tuition just last semester [granted, i get to pay him back, but- provision].
and his phone calls on my birthdays and his tears when i left for and returned from israel and the questions that he's asked me since i was old enough to understand,
"have i ever told you how much i love you?"
to which i'd respond with a mischievious little smile, "no...?"
"well i do. so much!"

but i see that now, i don't see these things as much as i did when i lived at home.
and with God, i'm not going to see these things if i am not near to him.
and i don't want to live parallel to him
checking off my lists, reading- just to read, praying- just another thing accomplished.
i want to walk alongside Him, seeking Him with all my heart
because only in His presence is fullness of joy
and only with Him am i changed.