psalm 52.8

i've been wrestling with what it means to have God's love
and i came to the conclusion that i struggle to trust Him
and to walk in much confidence at all
because i cannot grasp His love
and i know a lot of people who can't understand it and they end up apart from him
walking parallel, maybe, but apart
and apart from Him,
we can do nothing. and life is not worth living.
so, wrestling with this for myself,
i realize that i can grasp His faithfulness and His voice and His provision and protection
i've seen Him prove these things.
so then what does it mean that He loves me? what does His love look like?

it looks exactly like these things.

i think, 'what does it mean that my dad loves me (my dad, the one on my birth certificate, that is)...?' 'how do i know and feel that love?'
he's faithful and he speaks to me and with me. he provides and protects me.
i remember the traumatic ride on his old motorcycle when i was 7 and he protected me. and k. i remember him paying for my tuition just last semester [granted, i get to pay him back, but- provision].
and his phone calls on my birthdays and his tears when i left for and returned from israel and the questions that he's asked me since i was old enough to understand,
"have i ever told you how much i love you?"
to which i'd respond with a mischievious little smile, "no...?"
"well i do. so much!"

but i see that now, i don't see these things as much as i did when i lived at home.
and with God, i'm not going to see these things if i am not near to him.
and i don't want to live parallel to him
checking off my lists, reading- just to read, praying- just another thing accomplished.
i want to walk alongside Him, seeking Him with all my heart
because only in His presence is fullness of joy
and only with Him am i changed.