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so i'm honestly sitting here asking, "why this season? what was this about?"
and all i hear in response is, "He who called you is faithful."
But really?
Why?
When what i love is these kids who are not living around me.
And when i compare what i do to what everyone around is me is doing
and my only conclusion is: failure; then what?
"The One who calls you is faithful."
He is faithful...?
Okay.
So then i have to believe that He was faithful in calling me then.
and He is faithful in calling me now...
So then it is not because of what i can see or what i can chalk up as my successes
but because He wanted to show me that
He is working when i don't see it.
He has taken to heart my prayers and He has treasured my worship
and He has given me gift after gift.
the greatest being a frail beginning towards humility.
however, only a piece of all that i need, but the one gift i have longed for and loved to receive more than any other.
because it has nothing to do with me being able to look back and inventory the fruit that i have toiled to achieve,
but because He needs me to look back now and see that i have begun to learn how to abide,
how to cling to the vine and simply be a branch, fully dependent
on His root system, his strength, His care
and He has been pruning these things this past season,
the things that He sees that i do not do well.
trust and rest.
i do not walk confidently because i do not trust that He is strong enough to handle the things that i think depend on me.
i do not rest in His grace; rather, i stress under the assumed scrutiny of every single person, having only ever experienced brief moments of beautiful rest.
i just like to control things.
or maybe it isn't that i like to control things, but that i fear that if i don't control things, chaos will ensue and i will look like a failure.
and this i hate.
but my Jesus was willing to look like the ultimate failure in the eyes of the world because of obedience to the One who called Him.
and i get that what God asks is unnatural, and probably often completely contrary to what makes sense.
randy said it tonight. it will probably feel like a type of suicide because Jesus asks us to die to ourselves and to be willing to put to death any part of ourselves that isn't fully surrendered at the God's feet...
and another gift is this friend who is something so uniquely special. bold. and a fighter. and wise. and faithful. and one from whom i still need to learn so much.
and another friend, who like a mom, and like a sister, but so much like Jesus that sometimes i have to wonder if she's real. proverbs 31 is what i call her.
and those men who seek and seek and seek Him.
he says, "i'm learning to re-examine the ways in which i have always done things, hold them in the light of God's holiness, and ask, does this please You?"