kindness

God has brought me through some challenges
all things that i would never wish to repeat
but all things that i would not change were the opportunity to exist.
He has allowed me to be pushed beyond the point of frustration
to the point of asking questions
that, unasked, would have deceptively left me feeling far safer.
and this made me to wonder how many unasked questions have i missed out on?
out of how much have my insecurities and fears cheated me?
and as is the pattern of thought in which i have recognized God's leading so many times before
i have been finding myself drifting back to full half of the glass.
i see how this past semester at Focus has played such an indispensable role in shaping my very perspective of myself.
i see how the people around me have so uplifted me that i have consistent reminders of the hope and the joy set before me.
i'm no longer afraid to dream of things that i feel God has stirred in me
even though i don't have the entire syllabus of my life printed and stapled in the top left corner.
i think that for a long time i have been afraid to own the dreams that occasionally surface in me. i've been afraid because i don't have all of the answers to everyone's questions and when i cannot answer their questions my first assumption is that i must be doing something wrong.
but what i know is that the things that i know in my spirit- eloquently explainable or not- have never proved false.
the more that i seek to learn His face, the more that i uncover my uniqueness, my value, my place.

before now i have lived with this disguisable anxiety - insecurity - such that everywhere i went, everyone i talked with, i just hoped that i would say that right things, tell the right stories, prove myself in some way that they would affirm my adequacy, my competency. but as many people as encouraged me in this way, it was never going to be enough.
unless i believed it of myself.
all things must die before they can live.
and He has been walking me through this magnificent fiery purification process
through which so much falsehood has been burned away.
yet the things that He says are of gold remain,
His presence being the one of greatest value.
His Word.
His beautiful people around me.
my character, my personality, my dreams
because of Him.

and i have had to come to learn that as He has faithfully led me out of each of these crucibles that i have encountered, He just as faithfully led me into each of them
because the way that He cares for each of us is no different from the way that He cared for the nation of Israel.
in deut 8 He said that he led them into the desert and humbled them in order to test them and to know what was in their hearts.
and it is so clear to me that He orchestrates this leading, humbling, testing, not because He needs to learn their hearts, but because He knew that they needed to learn their hearts.
and we are no different than they.
i am no different.
i need to see the depth and consistency of my disobedience
to understand the depth and consistency of my absolute need for His grace.
and this is why i can look on these challenges that He has so sovereignly led me into
because it is His kindness that leads us to repentance
and it is His grace that leads us into places where we can see so clearly.
this is Love.