questions

it is so good to sit with great friends,
under great teaching,
continually pointed to a great God
and grace.
romans 6.1-18.
everyone is a slave - either to sin or to righteousness.

i have pride
that comes from comparing myself with other people.
and in reality i should be comparing myself
not with people
but with Jesus
then i would realize how far i fall short of all that i was intended to be
but the beautiful thing is
that He willingly makes up the difference
simply because He loves me.
He relinquished all entitlement, honor, pride
and became a slave to obedience and therefore to righteousness
and made it possible that we
might be raised with Him

"if you're ever going to experience DEEP CHANGE you have to understand GRACE."
"if you can't humble yourself, you'll never accept God's grace."
"some people so want this grace to be dependent on their works that they might have reason to boast in the flesh."

and pride ≠ humility
lacking humility leaves no room for the application of grace
and grace that is not applied is cheap
and worthless
and when we, in our pride, fail to receive what Jesus has freely given to us
i dare say that we stand in blatant denial of the power of God

and i found myself questioning Him like i never have before.
i found myself doubting like i never have
i found myself wondering if any of this is real
and i had to weigh my options
but if all of my wondering had any reality to it
i struggled to see how i could go about living any other way.
and this isn't because of habit or tradition because these things alone have never proved to be enough
but i look at the lives lived around me and in front of me
and i see without question the best possible way to live

1. joy. not to be confused with happiness, i observe joy as this thing that is an outward reflection of an inner state of peace.
2. contentment. hopeful perspective within an eternity-long meta-narrative.
3. transparency. openness, accountability. a belief that weakness does not denote failure but simply humanity.
4. intimacy. real relationships with real people, knowing and being known.
5. vision. dreams and goals due to an understanding of individual worth and belief that each person has a specific, design and purpose.
6. morality. right prevailing over wrong.

i see these things in the people that i know that love Jesus.

i lived for months among the jewish culture. these people are active, ambitious, hard-working -
but their joy wanes as their hopes for a messiah remain unrealized
and i lived for months among a community of muslim families. they are beautiful, busy, intelligent - but their transparency and intimacy lack as their lives are poured into performance based on conventionality, traditions. their joy is limited. their morality is tied up in obligation.
i have spent time with mormon friends, but i only observed more of the same.
i've studied among atheists and agnostics but the restlessness there edges out contentment and joy.
i find myself in a context saturated by postmodern thinking.
the desire for joy is overtaken by the pursuit of happiness , instant gratification regardless of its temporariness.
an endless chasing after of wealth and pleasures are victorious over contentment.
transparency loses to individualization and privateness.
intimacy is overshadowed by sexuality.
vision is drowned by hopelessness.
and morality is deprived of any of its absoluteness in the face of relativism.

so - i will continue to ask questions.
i will continue to raise doubts and seek answers
i'll continue to wonder
and wrestle anew with these things
but one thing i don't expect to do
is question the testimonies of
the lives that i have seen lived so imperfectly,
so graciously,
so transparently, authentically,
so joyfully,
and so beautifully before me.
i thank you for so boldly reflecting to me the face of Jesus
so that even though i must ask these things, i see no better way to live
and no greater reflection of what i want for my future.

i"ll be honest in saying that this is a season like i've never experienced.
yet the Truth that i've always claimed still stands supreme.
and now i make it more my own.

[1 john 5.2-5]
This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. 3 In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. And his commands are not burdensome, 4 for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. 5 Who is it that overcomes the world? Only the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God.