fixed

i find myself in a strangely restful place tonight.
strange because it is 140am and i am at work.
restful because i have, yet again, reached the end of myself, and this, somehow, feels healthy. historically, this has always been a highly frustrating experience. tonight, no exception.
i love when things are going well and i can ride on my own successes.
it feels good, it feels easy, it almost feels right.
but then revelation 2 comes rushing in and the Rider on the White Horse reminds me that my insecurities, my weaknesses, my mistakes, have a home in my self-sufficiency.
my own illustrious control, as a favorite professor suggests.
i have this tendency to place my full identity in the words of people.
i can place my value in a text message.
i'll place my hope in how eloquently i might craft my next sentence.
but it is worthless, according to paul, if my eyes are not firmly fixed on the author and perfecter of my faith.
and now this feeling is so common that it takes but a moment for me to pinpoint its root.
pride, selfish ambition, a drifting from what i have come to hold so dear...
so when i feel this way, i know that the pain of it is a gift, a gift of discipline as the author of hebrews states, whoever that author may be.
painful for a moment, but ushering in joy as soon as it has passed.

"...but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. for the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." [hebrews 12.10-11]

let us fix our eyes on Jesus.