enough

at some point
everyone has to decide
whether or not to believe that who i am is enough.
if i believe this,
then joy.
if i can't believe this
then i'll try to become someone else
i'll try live up to other peoples' expectations of me
i'll try to be enough.
but
He says
all the days ordained for me were written in His book before one of them came to be.
He knows
and He isn't surprised by what i'm feeling
or by what i will do
because He has in His hands
my whole heart.
when i can find myself awake for hours in the night
striving to determine a life for myself
He simply says, "daughter, rest."
and that one word captures me over and again.
daughter.
because He is Father
and this has the capability of changing the way that i handle any anxious thoughts.
if at the very name of Jesus every knee will bow,
then this name holds a great power
and this power, i've found, gives life.
"Jesus Jesus Jesus..."
has become my prayer when words escape me,
and this, often.
and He speaks that i am indeed enough.
i am enough in my simplicity
i am enough in my silence
i am enough in my own pace
i am enough because He has not made a mistake in shaping and leading my life.
and only when i hear Him speak this way does my heart find rest
and then
under an umbrella of unconditional acceptance
i can flourish.
only then
i believe that i can do anything that He sets before me,
i believe that i am adequate and capable.
i see everyone else before myself
and Jesus is constantly before my eyes.
and i see that
He is good to allow suffering.
i know this because it is in suffering that we learn to teach ourselves truth.
alex has said enough times that teaching something is the best way to learn it
and i've seen that suffering places a demand on the development of our individual theologies,
tests our obedience, either proving or disproving our claims.
my prayer is that i can learn more and more to be the best representation of myself
because like kierkegaard said
with God's help i shall become myself. 
His help alone.

[i need thee]