30

this year i started studying nutrition, a dream i've had ever since brooke told me about iin 7 years ago
and i must say that next to Jesus i've never believed in something more
this - this training in order to help other people -
this is fun for me and i've received encouragement from trusted friends that this is a good fit
as well as confirmation via peace, and so much joy in the learning process
i'm thankful
and God has made it clear to me that for now this is in large part what i should be investing my heart into
and the little ones that are my responsibility from breakfast to dinnertime
He's mentioned the possibility of an added responsibility for little hearts
but before i say anything more about that i wait to see what comes out of a few upcoming conversations.
i have a new home with a dear friend
and this place is mine for the long term if i so choose and that feels good.
this year i learned that i love to drive
i love roadtrips to see friends and to explore this country
st. louis and minneapolis at least, idaho to come
i've seen 2 of my girls finish high school and plan for the next adventure
my family will welcome twin babies!! in december...or november
this year we'll send nathan and jana off to oxford, both reluctantly and joyfully
and ben and jeanne to alaska
and God, He's not going anywhere
i've learned more of His steadfastness and the joy of remaining steadfast in trusting Him.

but if i'm really honest,
30 was not a milestone that i was excited to reach
i expected to feel like such an adult by 30
you know the same way you looked up to the seniors in high school
when you were a short, skinny, greasy-haired freshman
and they were all tall and beautiful with their curled hair and contact lenses,
all loud and laughing in the hallways while you secretly cowered as you had to pass by them on your way to the science hall
but then you get to senior year and you notice how little those wide-eyed freshmen are
but you realize that you don't feel the way that you thought seniors were supposed to feel,
that you don't feel as tall and beautiful and confident as they think you are
but also
that that doesn't detract from where you indeed are,
the responsibility and the gift of years and added wisdom
and then you get over yourself a little bit
and realize that you're not as important as you think you are
you're priceless and loved and gifted in impacting so many of those who are looking up to you
if you can stop long enough to see what you can offer
rather than wasting your time asking why the things you want haven't materialized
so i've had to stop and ask for God's help in changing my attitude
and to open my eyes to see the freshmen looking up at me
and to pray that i can help them to see Jesus a little more clearly
and to love Him more for always
because this is so much of my purpose and i've always known that.

"we are doing more good than we know, sowing seeds, starting streamlets, giving men true thoughts of Christ, to which they will refer one day as the first things that started them thinking of Him;
and of my part, i shall be satisfied if no great mausoleum is raised over my grave, but that souls shall gather there when i am gone and say, 'he was a good man; he wrought no miracles,
but he spoke words about Christ,
which led me to know Him for myself.'"
-george matheson