Led

"And when my Spirit clothed immortal
Wings its flight to realms of day
This my song through endless ages
Jesus led me all the way
Jesus led me all the way"

-Chris Tomlin

Qa-na'

God has been turning my world upside-down
and at the moment, i think i hate it.
He asks for these things that I don't know how to let go of.
i literally feel helpless, desperate, weak.
but when i'm weak i'm supposed to be strong.
so then i wonder what that feels like...the strength in weakness.

He is strong.
He is faithful.
He is good.

And i know that He is doing what He's doing- tearing open my heart and changing everything- because He's jealous.

This is what qa-na' means.

And i've been studying this word. it appears quite a few times in the old testament as "jealous" but it only appears 6 times in one specific form of the word. each of these 6 times is in the context of God demanding that His people have NO gods before him...

And He is so clear and so serious- as I have come to understand-

so this word (the rarely-used form) is defined as "jealous, pertaining only to God, describing His desire for exclusive relationship." -And this according to Strong's Strongest Exhaustive Concordance.

I'll take a moment and be honest, as I said I would a few weeks ago, because this blog needs to be a testimony of His grace and His love and His constant involvement in my life...

I have idols. people. things. dreams. i cling to them because i feel like i have control there (even though i totally don't). God asks me to be done with these things and make my heart ALL about Him

and (as i listen to "hurricane" by Jimmy Needham ironically) I've been observing Him g r a d u a l l y removing anything and everything that is in the way of His completely having my heart.

And this is all because He is so incredibly jealous for what is His...

and it is absolutely His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).
but I believe that it is our brokenness that must accompany...

And maybe this is me learning what actual surrender is all about.
To surrender ALL of my hopes and dreams into His hands, trusting in His perfect plan, but fully pursuing HIM and being pursued by Him.

And I would never do it any other way- because those other ways have proven themselves empty.

and He proves Himself faithful again and again when I ask Him to break me, and to show me, and to change me.

but i will admit, this is not so fun.

Holy

Tony wrote once about an hour in the prayer garage where he quickly tried to get the kids settled and busy so that he could get on to the “holy” stuff (and then he went on to explain that God quickly redefined that mindset).

And I just know that this will be a struggle for me this semester- because it has been the past few years.

I want to spend time with Him- sorting out what I am thinking and feeling about life, reading His Word, praying for people, hearing His encouragement, but I have come to realize that it is in the things that He asks of me on a daily basis that He will further reveal what He says to me in the quiet times…

So to take the time to be fully present and available with the kids that I take care of, to do my best whether its cleaning, writing papers, studying for tests, listening to a friend…

this is Him opening my eyes to His heart a little more…

Integrity

“The issue is rarely about what you do, it’s about where your heart is.”

And the huge question I’ve been asking myself lately is “What is my initial response in a moment of weakness? Where do I turn?”

Jess, Emma, and I have begun this Bible reading plan with our church and the very first reading was Job 1-2 in which God allowed everything to be taken from this man and Job finds himself answering these same questions.

And the astounding thing to me is that, the Bible said he “fell to the ground in worship.” His gut instinct is to go to the Lord. He doesn’t even turn to his own wife. But isn’t this what we naturally do? I mean- don’t we naturally turn to people, specifically those of the opposite sex who affirm us? And I won’t say that this is wrong because the Lord created us for community for a reason, but where do we turn first?

I know this wise and beautiful woman who was telling me recently about her relationship with a really great guy. She could talk for hours about him: how well he treats her, how God-focused his heart is, how he’s growing by being in God’s word for hours on end. But she makes it quite clear that she has found his relationship to be…not enough. A man- even a really great one- just can’t be everything that she needs. That’s not to say that their relationship will end any time soon- if ever- but it screams of our need- my need- for my Savior, the one who knows my heart fully and who alone has amazing plans for my life. And its only ever good to learn things like this but it only breaks my heart all the more to see how easily we women (and I’m sure men too) place our identity in each other when there has always been and will always be One who is so much more fulfilling.

But then it becomes my choice so many times each day to have integrity or not.

I’m faced with that same choice over and over again- to dwell on things of man of things of God- and choosing His ways are so much harder but the difference is that His ways are permanent, fulfilling, and SO MUCH GREATER than mine.

And I haven’t once regretted following Him.

Welder

This is a word that has stared me in the face for a couple of years now. A great friend labeled me with this term and I've just recently come to realize how right she was.

I have found great joy in connecting people with people. I love to introduce people, watch them connect, and then step back and let community happen. But what will He do with this?

Slippers

I feel like Dan Mike.
But I love these slippers.

They remind me of blankets, tea, and pomegranates.
And of God's faithfulness...

Psalm 119:75
"I know, O LORD, that your laws are righteous,
and in faithfulness you have afflicted me."

Psalm 78:34-35
"Whenever God slew them, they would seek him;
they eagerly turned to him again.
They remembered that God was their Rock,
that God Most High was their Redeemer."