Qa-na'

God has been turning my world upside-down
and at the moment, i think i hate it.
He asks for these things that I don't know how to let go of.
i literally feel helpless, desperate, weak.
but when i'm weak i'm supposed to be strong.
so then i wonder what that feels like...the strength in weakness.

He is strong.
He is faithful.
He is good.

And i know that He is doing what He's doing- tearing open my heart and changing everything- because He's jealous.

This is what qa-na' means.

And i've been studying this word. it appears quite a few times in the old testament as "jealous" but it only appears 6 times in one specific form of the word. each of these 6 times is in the context of God demanding that His people have NO gods before him...

And He is so clear and so serious- as I have come to understand-

so this word (the rarely-used form) is defined as "jealous, pertaining only to God, describing His desire for exclusive relationship." -And this according to Strong's Strongest Exhaustive Concordance.

I'll take a moment and be honest, as I said I would a few weeks ago, because this blog needs to be a testimony of His grace and His love and His constant involvement in my life...

I have idols. people. things. dreams. i cling to them because i feel like i have control there (even though i totally don't). God asks me to be done with these things and make my heart ALL about Him

and (as i listen to "hurricane" by Jimmy Needham ironically) I've been observing Him g r a d u a l l y removing anything and everything that is in the way of His completely having my heart.

And this is all because He is so incredibly jealous for what is His...

and it is absolutely His kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).
but I believe that it is our brokenness that must accompany...

And maybe this is me learning what actual surrender is all about.
To surrender ALL of my hopes and dreams into His hands, trusting in His perfect plan, but fully pursuing HIM and being pursued by Him.

And I would never do it any other way- because those other ways have proven themselves empty.

and He proves Himself faithful again and again when I ask Him to break me, and to show me, and to change me.

but i will admit, this is not so fun.