Who

getting inside my own head is what J calls it.
i can spend too much time just thinking. and thinking. and thinking.
beyond what is productive.
and there are these days when i just dwell on things. and on the events of the day. the things i did well. more prominently though, the things i didn't do well. people. words spoken.
reading into everything.
it goes past the point of enjoyable thinking and reminiscing.
it becomes burdensome and overwhelming.
and we all do this. girls, especially.
so i've been praying about this and asking what am i supposed to do?
this way of thinking and dwelling and- more so- trying to answer all mysteries for myself-
this has become such a habit.
and i'm realizing
that as God continues to prove himself faithful over and over again,
He alone holds all of the answers that i'll ever look for- not that he will see fit to give me all of the answers

this idea from Deuteronomy 4 and Jeremiah 29 has met me with such freedom this week,
and i know that as Psalm 37 says, if i delight myself in Him, i'll find the answers i keep hoping for.
so, delighting myself in Him-
this is so much harder than simply going the way of the world.
it is so much easier to just make things happen for myself,
to walk into something, although unwisely,
to pursue a relationship without waiting for God's perfect timing,
to go to school to get a degree and provide for myself,
and i have almost come to hate when people tell me that i'm great for living this life, for giving myself to love and ministry (not that i do either well), for making pure and right decisions for my life...
and i don't know how much more i can say
that this is what EACH of us has been created for-
and it is only by God's grace that my heart is His.
and that this is SO not something that has just come naturally.
i have had to make choices.
and sacrifices.
and i've cried- a lot- over the things that i can't pursue for myself, like everyone else, because God has His timing
and i've chosen to let go of plenty
and am no better or worse than anyone else.
i've only received grace. so much of His grace.
and i've chosen to respond to it.

and i would NEVER trade this life that He's given me for any life that I could have built for myself.
but it has absolutely taken a humility and a willingness to let go and to turn my focus.

and this is where i was going when i started writing...
my focus, my thinking and dwelling- gets me into trouble.
it is only in choosing to turn and look at God that anything (and everything) falls into place.
because i've found that when i choose to take my focus off of myself and look to Him, the world makes sense.
i have to ask who am i? a mess, defined by mistakes and failures and weaknesses
but who is He? perfect, strength and love.
and i'm going to trust that He knows all
and hopes the best for me
and has the best for me.
because this is who he says He is.