Control

I was imagining what it would look like for me if I were to go to church tomorrow and get baptized (which i'm not planning on).
I would get in that water and Rod would ask me why I want to get baptized.
And I would probably start crying.
To make a declaration before my brothers and sisters and my spiritual family
That I have tried to make life happen for myself and
It has only lead to bondage, stress, and worry.
[Not that it is really this bad anymore. He’s working.]
Somebody said once that worry is the result of us trying to control the things that we can’t.
and I guess that this is how God has been revealing Himself to me:
as the One in control.
And it sounds so simple, but it has been such a challenge to believe it.
And the other challenge has been believing that the One in control is worth surrendering my life to because [and this is the challenge for me]
He loves me.
He knows my heart.
He knows the desires of my heart.
He desires to bless me.
He is passionate about giving good gifts to His children.
And I’m seeing that the times when I plead with God for my desires and He doesn’t give me those things- this isn’t because He isn’t good or because He doesn’t love me,
But because He knows so much better.
And He’s asking me to trust His wisdom: His heart, His timing, His will.
And when I worry or try to do it myself,
This is me believing that I am greater than Him, that I know better than He does.
And I do this a lot.
And He’s gradually, consistently, and painfully yet lovingly digging this out of me.
For which I am so thankful.