david

my little brother, a comedian -
i'll miss him when i move...
here is the text message he sent to our mom last night:

"in regards to the location i lay my head tonight, it will not be home at the dykstra ranch, but elsewhere. most plausible option being kurt's apartment. i shall reunite with you and the bloodline tomorrow for the feast. i love you. goodnight the woman who birthed my over-sized baby self."

not even kidding.
lol.

reminded

my heart hurts.
for so many reasons.

i'm at work tonight
with a list of things that need to be done
and i only want my bed
where i can cry
and sleep
and learn to trust Him more.
he is right about one thing,
we are so desperately dependent on God
and if we don't see this,
we will in due time.
for me
its the fact that i couldn't sleep before work
so come 7am
i'll be going on 24+ hours wide awake
[and time couldn't be going any slower]
and when i wanted to be upset, very upset, with the one who kept me awake,
he was very sweet so i couldn't be
because sometimes God forces His grace in
and we don't have a choice,
though i wish this were the case more often than not.

i see my pride
in a light like i have never seen before
and this is one of the worst feelings ever.
there are things i wish i could undo,
things i've said that i wish i could take back,
friendships to start over,
ideas to engage,
questions not to leave unasked,
things to study,
but all the while
i have God's sovereignty to learn
because it is so often that i think i know best
and i lose myself in the excitement of
people, places, ideas, classes, dreams, friendships
when the one thing i need is this feeling;
i need to hurt
i need to be reminded
that i don't have it all together.
i don't know best.
i can never be perfect.

and comparing myself to other people doesn't help at all,
in fact, this has probably been the single most debilitating thing that i have done consistently over the past years.
r & k & i had a conversation along these lines just a couple of weeks ago
because i remember saying that the only possible response to this situation
is to look to Jesus, the cross, His grace that i have freely received but will never deserve...
therefore i remember You.

busy rest

forgive me, whoever you are
because i can't remember exactly which face it was that i was talking with,
but what you said resonated with me, very much.
i am blessed beyond measure
running 100 miles and hour
doing great things
learning great things
spending time with the most wonderful of people
and all the while He is rest in busyness
but if i am honest, and i strive to be increasingly so
i do not experience such rest
and i am the only one to blame really
i don't take time to rest;
this may be one reason why i dread sunday nights so much
but this also just may be His way of forcing me to stop,
listen, reflect, read, meditate on His words, cry, laugh, write,
or simple things that i would not otherwise take the time for-
watching football with dad, tearing coupons (anticipating all of the products that i might need to buy in the next days)
and this may also be why He has handed to me a genuine blessing in the form of income
where i have hours upon hours to myself,
to listen to francis chan speak of His grace, grace grace, grace grace grace, and grace grace grace grace (you can listen for yourself if you'd like)
He knows what i need before i ask
or if i never ask
matthew 6.8
isaiah 65.1-2
always in the eye of the storm

truth

we cling to it. and so we can worship.


Oh you bring hope to the hopeless
And light to those in the darkness
And death to life
Now I’m alive
OH YOU GIVE PEACE TO THE RESTLESS
AND JOY TO HOMES THAT ARE BROKEN
I see You now
IN YOU I'M FOUND

And You opened the door for me
And you laid down
Your life to set me free
All that I am will serve You Lord
AND YOU OPENED MY EYES TO SEE
ALL THE WONDER AND AWE OF CHRIST IN ME
JESUS, YOU'RE EVERYTHING I NEED

[VERSE 2]
Oh you fill those who are empty
And rescue those in the valley
And through it all You calm my soul
OH YOU FIND ME IN MY WEAKNESS
And heal the wounds of my heartache
I WORSHIP YOU IN SPIRIT AND TRUTH

thanks again, friend, for a wonderful worship time last night

refines

i listened to a man speak this morning,
he talked about his wife,
the challenges they had seen in their marriage, and when it almost came to an end.
he talked about his sin,
the things that he had allowed to gradually infiltrate his life,
but the most beautiful part of his story
was the pain that it took to draw him to a place where he had left neither the strength
nor the pride
to deny the mess any longer.
and God, in his grace
began to gently peel these things away
to dig the infection out
to burn down the very comfortable facade that he had created for himself.
and then
he learned to love his wife again,
the way he used to.
she learned to respond to him again,
the way she used to.
and they share their story simply as a testimony to Him.

and i wonder what project He might be planning for my heart,
for my pride, my self-sufficiency, my impatience.
and i know He is never dormant
because i feel this yanking on me when i confront myself with His words, His Word.
and honestly, it is a kind of misery because i know there are things in my life that must go.
types of bitterness, areas of frustration, days of worry, moments that lack grace.
i know that His best for me is not to feel this persistent agitation
but i know simultaneously that walking this road of humility has been healthy for me.
because there are things that He desires to strip away.
malachi speaks of Him as One who sits, and refines and purifies
john speaks of Him as a gardener, the One who prunes and cleans and lifts up
jeremiah speaks of Him as a potter who works the clay in His hands and reworks the spoiled clay.
so it is with us. so it is with me. so it is best.

He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it. [whether i, and you, like it or not.]

excited

[ten things that i'm most excited about at the moment]

1. these bell peppers growing in our garden, farmers' markets and fresh produce

2. zinnias


3. historic christian theologies, class beginning august 17th

4. my summer internship wrapping up, all of the amazing people i have met, the things i've learned, the understanding i've gained

5. i78

6. the possibility of traveling to the netherlands next summer!



7. 8 1/2 months until graduation

8. an ipod touch, a genuine gift from friends who have been a genuine gift

9. the fair! this week in lowell

10. colorado and wonderful people.

colorado...

i'm going back for a visit!
september 4-7.
yay :)

whole

life
often feels
like something is missing.
i guess this is normal.
nae said once that this is the nature of people-
never satisfied, never really satisfied,
this side of eternity.
sandi told me about it as well, 2 years ago at the drive-in theater
and it’s true for me too-
and quite honestly even on the best day,
something isn’t right,
rather a lot of things are not right.
and this is why I AM SO GRATEFUL that we live with a hope of eternity-
at least some of us do,
because i can’t say His name enough
giving Jesus credit for any joy
that i experience.
and as long as we live here,
it is essential that we keep a proper view
of what we have
and what we can’t yet have...
wholeness
perfection
peace, or shalom as rod so often states.
but the One who promises these things
is knowable
so we have every opportunity to see,
for now,
a reflection,
but soon
we shall see the real thing.
this is joy.
this is wholeness.
this is peace.
this is shalom. some day.
[1 cor. 13.12]