reminded

my heart hurts.
for so many reasons.

i'm at work tonight
with a list of things that need to be done
and i only want my bed
where i can cry
and sleep
and learn to trust Him more.
he is right about one thing,
we are so desperately dependent on God
and if we don't see this,
we will in due time.
for me
its the fact that i couldn't sleep before work
so come 7am
i'll be going on 24+ hours wide awake
[and time couldn't be going any slower]
and when i wanted to be upset, very upset, with the one who kept me awake,
he was very sweet so i couldn't be
because sometimes God forces His grace in
and we don't have a choice,
though i wish this were the case more often than not.

i see my pride
in a light like i have never seen before
and this is one of the worst feelings ever.
there are things i wish i could undo,
things i've said that i wish i could take back,
friendships to start over,
ideas to engage,
questions not to leave unasked,
things to study,
but all the while
i have God's sovereignty to learn
because it is so often that i think i know best
and i lose myself in the excitement of
people, places, ideas, classes, dreams, friendships
when the one thing i need is this feeling;
i need to hurt
i need to be reminded
that i don't have it all together.
i don't know best.
i can never be perfect.

and comparing myself to other people doesn't help at all,
in fact, this has probably been the single most debilitating thing that i have done consistently over the past years.
r & k & i had a conversation along these lines just a couple of weeks ago
because i remember saying that the only possible response to this situation
is to look to Jesus, the cross, His grace that i have freely received but will never deserve...
therefore i remember You.