Spirit.

My prayer for my school is that we might know what it means for prayer and worship to be lead by the Spirit.

We will never know prayer without first learning the importance of hearing God's voice and being sensitive to His leading.

And we just cannot possibly ever grasp worship- the way God desires- until we experience it under the leadership of the Spirit of God.

And this frustrates me.
Because I'm learning to love my school.
But at the same time I'm learning to know God deeper and more genuinely and passionately than I ever have.
And I desperately want that for all of us.

But tradition.
Comfort.
Fear.

This gets in the way.
And I get angry.
And I don't know where to go from here.

Desert

is this place where no matter how hard i try i can't have a good attitude.
i can't be happy.


i can fake it, though. and i do this well.
[although there are those who will always know]


i used to think that no matter what's going on, i could just choose to have a good attitude. i could just choose to dwell on truth. i could just choose to be happy.
and i can do all those things.


but i finally get that no amount of human effort can make the battle any less.


desert is what it is for a reason.


desert 2 |ˈdezərt| |ˈdɛzərt| |ˈdɛzət|
noun: a dry, barren area of land, esp. one covered with sand, that is characteristically desolate, waterless, and without vegetation.
• a lifeless and unpleasant place, esp. one consisting of or covered with a specified substance.
• a situation or area considered dull and uninteresting
adjective [ attrib. ]
like a desert
• uninhabited and desolate


i have to be willing to break down and pursue him in prayer and fasting.
and i'm kind of excited to be here.


the crazy thing about this place is that every time i find myself in the desert, it always feels like the first time i've been here. maybe it's because its always a new experience and because God always reveals a new angle of Himself as a result.


From this definition, I understand that I have to expect to feel: thirsty, hungry, miserable, confused, bored, alone.


Confused. Yes. In one blog, I've managed to express at least 5 conflicting emotions simultaneously. Fabulous.


Alone. Loneliness.
This is the first feeling that overwhelms me when i find myself blindly walking- or am i usually running?- into His Desert.
I start to question all of my friendships, loyalties, love, faithfulness.
Then I start comparing myself and tearing down all that God has built up in me.
And my gut reaction is that I need people.
I need them to fulfill me and complete me and validate me.


I don't like this.

Pieces.

This is what my life is breaking into.
And I'm walking.
Step by step.
Into the Desert.
But it is His.
His Desert.
So I know that the light that shines on the other side is even brighter than the one that's shining now.
But I don't like the in between.
I don't like the emptiness.
In fact I hate it- and I would keep hating it if it weren't for what I've seen Him do in my life before.
In the Desert.
So I cry.
And I get frustrated. Easily.
And I get mad.
And I get selfish.
And I get thirsty.
I get thirsty for relationship.
I want Him more than anything.
And I want my family.
And I want my friends. I want my closest friends to be more available.
And I want that one friend that will always be there.
I want him to be in my life and I don't want to have to wait.
I want that friend that looks at me with those eyes through which he looks at no one else.
I want that person that's always there.
That one person that will always be there- the one that's for me- the one that knows and loves and delights in my heart.
And I want to love him right back.
I want that one consistent person.
I want that heart.
And I don't want to have to wait.

Confident.

God is making me confident.
I know.
It sounds like it is of little importance.

But.

Its changing everything.
Everything.

HE is changing everything.
He is making me free.
He is making me happy.
He is teaching me pure joy.
He is teaching me peace.

I am learning.
To let go of control.
To let go of planning.
To let go of agendas (not irresponsibly so).
To just simply walk by the Spirit and in full confidence of who I am in Christ.

kids

I cannot even begin to describe to you how great it is to have [some of] my family back. Addison and Colin are a blessing- amazing kids. Amazing. And their parents are pretty great too :)

Settling.

I won't.
If you know me, you know this.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't cross my mind.
And i think its normal to think about it.

But.

What is a relationship?
Is it simply spending time with someone because both of you are available and have a few things in common?
Or is it investing in someone who you can't believe is as amazing as he/she really is?

Or does my whole confusion come down to standards?

I get frustrated when I see people who are dating just to date.
Maybe that's not fair.
Maybe its just that i need to accept the fact that not everyone has the standards that i have and that what i consider settling is completely the opposite so some people.

Maybe its about time that I stop thinking that I set the world's standards.

But.

I do think there is something to be said about standards.
I think the reason that I think so often that people are settling is that I so desperately want people to be constantly raising their standards.

See. I'm a lover, not a hater.
I have this heart for everyone to be so in love with Jesus that the kind of person he or she is looking for looks just like Him.

Why can't we pursue to be those kinds of people that look like Jesus so that people will desire to be in relationship with us because we point them to Him?

I just can't help but think- no, know- that this would dramatically change our families, our communities, our churches.

More to say on this...later.