Desert

is this place where no matter how hard i try i can't have a good attitude.
i can't be happy.


i can fake it, though. and i do this well.
[although there are those who will always know]


i used to think that no matter what's going on, i could just choose to have a good attitude. i could just choose to dwell on truth. i could just choose to be happy.
and i can do all those things.


but i finally get that no amount of human effort can make the battle any less.


desert is what it is for a reason.


desert 2 |ˈdezərt| |ˈdɛzərt| |ˈdɛzət|
noun: a dry, barren area of land, esp. one covered with sand, that is characteristically desolate, waterless, and without vegetation.
• a lifeless and unpleasant place, esp. one consisting of or covered with a specified substance.
• a situation or area considered dull and uninteresting
adjective [ attrib. ]
like a desert
• uninhabited and desolate


i have to be willing to break down and pursue him in prayer and fasting.
and i'm kind of excited to be here.


the crazy thing about this place is that every time i find myself in the desert, it always feels like the first time i've been here. maybe it's because its always a new experience and because God always reveals a new angle of Himself as a result.


From this definition, I understand that I have to expect to feel: thirsty, hungry, miserable, confused, bored, alone.


Confused. Yes. In one blog, I've managed to express at least 5 conflicting emotions simultaneously. Fabulous.


Alone. Loneliness.
This is the first feeling that overwhelms me when i find myself blindly walking- or am i usually running?- into His Desert.
I start to question all of my friendships, loyalties, love, faithfulness.
Then I start comparing myself and tearing down all that God has built up in me.
And my gut reaction is that I need people.
I need them to fulfill me and complete me and validate me.


I don't like this.