Friends

The "just friends" stage is a pretty big deal.

And what I mean by this is that it is frustrating to watch how quickly people are willing to jump into a relationship, simply to have someone.

And I really mean jump. Especially at small Christian schools...especially Bible colleges.

But this hasn't really been on my heart much,
at least not this frustrating side of things.

Instead, I've been witnessing the patience of some of those around me.
I've been watching. Always.
And I see people stepping up in terms of relationships.
I see men who really get what it means to love.
I see men who are not willing to cave into the pressure that comes from all sides.
I see them taking the time and investing, just as friends.
And we (girls) hate this. Or so we say.

But I think we secretly love it.
For a man to put in the time and the energy, not even sure yet.

And.
I think its an incredibly lazy way out when a guy cannot be patient.
Because if you take the time to get to know her, you'll learn a lot more than you will if you just jump into a relationship with her.
And we all dislike the times of uncertainty. But this is when God can become everything, and strengthen the foundation for what may be to come...

She might be impatient, especially if she can't even tell if you like her.
But that's what makes you a man. This sets you apart.
Its your call to make her wait (and I think you should).
Take the time to observe and become objectively aware of who you are walking towards.

Observe for a few months, the way B did, because his patience allowed God to give him everything he wanted. And now he plans for a wedding.

Pursue the way D did without giving her reason to think you're after anything more than her friendship. This allowed for her to keep the walls down, and now he has her heart.

Don't get hearts involved unless you're sure.
And make sure God is just as sure. Okay? Okay.

Caused

Deuteronomy 8:3-
He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna,
which neither you nor your fathers had known,
to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD.

He humbled you.
He caused you to hunger.
Then
He fed you.
To teach you...

בַּמִּדְבָּ֑ר

Personally, I feel really confused about what God is doing in my life right now.
He seems distant and quiet.
And it has been a long time since this was the case...and I hate it.
I feel really lonely, and this is rather new to me.
I have some really great friends, but it is just becoming more clear that great friends will never be enough, just like a great guy will never be enough.
And I just want to cry every time I think about how I feel because I don't understand where God is.
And this makes it extra hard because I KNOW He's right here. He promised to be and He has always been and will forever be perfectly faithful...but it just becomes a whole new way of embracing the Truth when you have to tell yourself to believe it.
I feel like it's my fault because for the past week He was very clear that I needed to be spending serious time with Him- and by serious time I don't mean that I needed to be striving to be with Him, but I needed to be intentional about making time to be in His presence, resting in His presence.
Because- to quote a friend, "this is where real rest is." It is being in His presence, coming with nothing, not bringing this human effort on which I have become so accustomed to depending.
So I guess this is where I am now.
I'm here, with nothing, because I've been trying to come with my strength and my will and my longing but it just falls short. Every time.
So its these tears that have a mind of their own, and this brokenness that suffocates my pride, and this emptiness that I despise because He has ALWAYS filled me before...
I guess it is these building blocks alone that I can bring because everything else is drowned out by Him.
And the amazing thing to me is that I can't blame Him or even consider walking away because these struggles just make
so.
much.
sense.
If I know anything about the lives of the "heroes of the faith," specifically Paul, and David, and Job
I have to trust that [somehow] when I'm at my weakest, I'm the strongest.
(And it always proves so true... later.)

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Psalm 42:11
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

Job 13:15a
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;"

דברים 8:2
וְזָכַרְתָּ֣ אֶת־כָּל־הַדֶּ֗רֶךְ אֲשֶׁ֨ר הֹלִֽיכֲךָ֜ יְהוָ֧ה אֱלֹהֶ֛יךָ זֶ֛ה אַרְבָּעִ֥ים שָׁנָ֖ה בַּמִּדְבָּ֑ר לְמַ֨עַן עַנֹּֽתְךָ֜ לְנַסֹּֽתְךָ֗ לָדַ֜עַת אֶת־אֲשֶׁ֧ר בִּֽלְבָבְךָ֛ הֲתִשְׁמֹ֥ר אִם־לֹֽא׃

So I press on...

Training

For the 5K in March.
The "Irish Jig"
Keep me accountable :)

Compartmentalize

It just happened so gradually that I didn't even realize
If you would ask me,
I would never tell you that real life can be lived,
dividing what I do from my relationship with God,
But somehow this is how I was living.
And if it weren't for that conversation I had with Jemimah a year ago,
I would never have known what was happening.
God was silent for a while.
And I don't know if you have ever experienced God's silence
But its miserable.
Its not that He's not there,
Because He promises to be Always.
But I've experienced His silence
And its misearble.
And lonely
And it feels hopeless.
But He does it because
He loves us that much.
I am more and more convinced that when life is hard,
God is the most real
And the most near.
He knows that I know that I can't do life without Him.
But somehow I have found myself making big decisions and taking big steps-
Controlling my own life-
Without His blessing.
So I wondered why I wasn't enjoying life
And I wondered why I wasn't happy
And I wondered why He wasn't speaking-
And when we call,
He answers.
Every time.
Every.
And He said it quite clearly.
And I am finding that I need to bring everything before Him.
Every decision.
Every step.
Every dream.
Lay it down at the cross.
And wait.
Wait for Him to approve.
Or disapprove.
And this requires me being willing to let go of-
Anything.
Everything
if He asks me to.
So I'm waiting to see what's next.

Update?

I know I am due for another post-
probably overdue.
So I'll try to summarize what's up.
Colin turned 1.
He had a great little party...
where he apparently contracted conjunctivitis.
Yes, pink eye.
And Addi got it too.
So the rest of us are only hoping not to...
Kristi is home.
This makes the sisters happy.
And brothers.
And mom.
And dad.
Etc.
And Nathan- or Nate- moves up next month.
And he visits tonight through the weekend.
This makes Kristi happy.
And the rest of us, but her the most.
I am thoroughly enjoying my classes this semester.
Abnormal Psych.
Hebrew.
Biblical Foundations.
Writing in Culture.
Family Interactions.
I love school.
I hate- I hate writing papers.
More than I love school, I love Jesus.
I love spending time in the silence.
I love spending time in His Word.
I love getting to know Him- not just about Him.
I love how much He continues to teach me about myself.
I love His discipline.
Humility.
Peace.
Freedom.
Joy.