Saturday, February 14, 2009

בַּמִּדְבָּ֑ר

Personally, I feel really confused about what God is doing in my life right now.
He seems distant and quiet.
And it has been a long time since this was the case...and I hate it.
I feel really lonely, and this is rather new to me.
I have some really great friends, but it is just becoming more clear that great friends will never be enough, just like a great guy will never be enough.
And I just want to cry every time I think about how I feel because I don't understand where God is.
And this makes it extra hard because I KNOW He's right here. He promised to be and He has always been and will forever be perfectly faithful...but it just becomes a whole new way of embracing the Truth when you have to tell yourself to believe it.
I feel like it's my fault because for the past week He was very clear that I needed to be spending serious time with Him- and by serious time I don't mean that I needed to be striving to be with Him, but I needed to be intentional about making time to be in His presence, resting in His presence.
Because- to quote a friend, "this is where real rest is." It is being in His presence, coming with nothing, not bringing this human effort on which I have become so accustomed to depending.
So I guess this is where I am now.
I'm here, with nothing, because I've been trying to come with my strength and my will and my longing but it just falls short. Every time.
So its these tears that have a mind of their own, and this brokenness that suffocates my pride, and this emptiness that I despise because He has ALWAYS filled me before...
I guess it is these building blocks alone that I can bring because everything else is drowned out by Him.
And the amazing thing to me is that I can't blame Him or even consider walking away because these struggles just make
so.
much.
sense.
If I know anything about the lives of the "heroes of the faith," specifically Paul, and David, and Job
I have to trust that [somehow] when I'm at my weakest, I'm the strongest.
(And it always proves so true... later.)

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'
Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.
That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.
For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Psalm 42:11
"Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me?Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God."

Job 13:15a
"Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him;"

דברים 8:2
וְזָכַרְתָּ֣ אֶת־כָּל־הַדֶּ֗רֶךְ אֲשֶׁ֨ר הֹלִֽיכֲךָ֜ יְהוָ֧ה אֱלֹהֶ֛יךָ זֶ֛ה אַרְבָּעִ֥ים שָׁנָ֖ה בַּמִּדְבָּ֑ר לְמַ֨עַן עַנֹּֽתְךָ֜ לְנַסֹּֽתְךָ֗ לָדַ֜עַת אֶת־אֲשֶׁ֧ר בִּֽלְבָבְךָ֛ הֲתִשְׁמֹ֥ר אִם־לֹֽא׃

So I press on...

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