reconciliation

2 Corinthians 5:17-21

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

I LOVE this idea that we are to have ministry of reconciliation.
This is our Father’s heart. This has become my heart.
And this probably because I have experienced a small piece of the death and life that Jesus did. I think I have walked in this genuine humility once in my life. Really. The kind where you feel like you’re walking as Jesus walked and seeing through His own eyes. And though it is so hard for us who aren’t God, it is so worth the pain of the daily death that Paul talks about.
And Tom said it at church on Sunday [and Saturday, I’m sure], he prays everyday that he would die to himself that he might live like Christ. And this is what I want too.
This is the dream that I see for my future and my ministry for the Kingdom. Because it isn’t until I am humbled like Jesus was that I can really see the needs of others, that I can passionately love, that I can wisely offer compassion, that I can truly live the life that He intended for me.

fear

i have to have it all figured out.
at least that is how i feel.
because since i don't have the plot line before me,
i have these fears.
anxieties of all that it is that i don't know.
fear of rejection.
fear of being used for endorsement.
but

if Jesus loved fearlessly,
and took risks selflessly,

and He is honored as the only wise God,
then i have no choice but to follow His example

and choose to close the door to fear.

sufferings

in romans paul says that
we are children of God, and therefore heirs of God

IF WE SHARE IN [CHRIST'S] SUFFERINGS.
that we may also share in His glory.

if.

and honestly,
until 3 months ago, i didn't know what it meant to share in His sufferings.
i had never had to choose true humility.
i had never experienced the kind of death- complete helplessness and brokenness- that paul talks about.
it isn't that i never wanted it.
maybe i just hadn't asked for it until then. but regardless-
this kind of death has changed me.
and i'm not standing on any pedestal of pride because i know it was such a precious gift
that i my Father did not enjoy giving-
yet, i see so much in the church today that works so hard to avoid this kind of pruning.
but Jesus says in john 15 that
it.
is.
NECESSARY.
why must we avoid it?
it is the worst pain i have ever experienced, so in a way i understand...

but for the joy set before Him, Jesus endured the cross-
is our understanding of life in His presence so small that we are unwilling to die to ourselves,
to daily take up our cross,
FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE US?
is our understanding of the cross so skewed by the gods that we have raised ourselves up to be
that we are so unwilling

to be like Jesus

?

peace

to me,
it is bordering on comical how being sick can truly color the way i see
e v e r y t h i n g else as well.
but only bordering. not actually funny.
i have to remind myself when thinking hopelessly about any number of things just how ridiculously a sickness can effect me.
the thought today was "reading always makes me fall asleep. how will i ever be able to read any book, ever?!"
and.
i can think this way about people.
one fear. frustration. difference of opinion. and i see no hope.
but where is my hope?
is it in my absence of fear?
or my emotions?
or my omniscience?
it's in Him.
and if it's ever anywhere else, in anyone else, i have every reason to feel hopeless.
but
He is my rock.
just Him.
always.
there is not a person in the world that i will ever love and need and trust more.
and as long as i can hold fast to this truth,
the pressure on anyone else is far less.

and this is what peace feels like.

presence

exodus 33.15
then moses said to Him, "if Your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here."

here in lies my heart.

i. will. not. walk outside of obedience to the leading of God's Spirit.

moses understood this idea well. without God's presence, failure was definite. with Him, a constant enveloping of love and peace. not necessarily ease and luxury and happiness. but JOY. the only kind. and this is the testimony that we read throughout the OT...and the NT (although kent would prefer me to call them the OC and NC)

deut. 4. 32-39
32 Ask now about the former days, long before your time, from the day God created man on the earth; ask from one end of the heavens to the other. Has anything so great as this ever happened, or has anything like it ever been heard of? 33 Has any other people heard the voice of God [a] speaking out of fire, as you have, and lived? 34 Has any god ever tried to take for himself one nation out of another nation, by testings, by miraculous signs and wonders, by war, by a mighty hand and an outstretched arm, or by great and awesome deeds, like all the things the LORD your God did for you in Egypt before your very eyes?

35 You were shown these things so that you might know that the LORD is God; besides him there is no other. 36 From heaven he made you hear his voice to discipline you. On earth he showed you his great fire, and you heard his words from out of the fire. 37 BECAUSE HE LOVED YOUR FOREFATHERS AND CHOSE THEIR DESCENDANTS AFTER THEM, HE BROUGHT YOU OUT OF EGYPT BY HIS PRESENCE AND HIS GREAT STRENGTH, 38 to drive out before you nations greater and stronger than you and to bring you into their land to give it to you for your inheritance, as it is today.

39 Acknowledge and take to heart this day that the LORD is God in heaven above and on the earth below. There is no other. 40 Keep his decrees and commands, which I am giving you today, so that it may go well with you and your children after you and that you may live long in the land the LORD your God gives you for all time.

student

so
in the other room is a dance party.
kids, that is, 7, 6, 5, 4.
if you've ever heard "replay" by iyaz or "single ladies" by beyonce...
i can't stop laughing so i needed to retreat
and shift-

lately
i've been thinking about thinking
[metacognition]
and
i definitely have many friends who are very contemplative
and this intimidates me.
i feel like i have nothing to offer before people so much more educated than i.

jesus, to be defined by you alone.
to care less and less about the opinions and values of the world.

i feel quite small.
not insignificant.
but-
maybe humbled.
learning that i avoid taking strong positions because i fear conflict (ah, my 9ness).
what if people disagree and i can't defend myself?
[this wonderful pride runs so deep]
i imagine that the greatest outcome of such an interaction would be that i would learn exactly which direction i need to turn next to seek insight. because, you see, i'll never be finished learning.
i pegged a friend as a "forever student" like christian used to say (and probably still does) of himself
but i should be a forever student.
i should expect to be a student. forever.
where do i get off thinking that there is ever this destination that i will reach where i'll no longer lack any knowledge or wisdom?
i will have to get used to saying
i just don't know.
but i want to.
and i want to be like my Teacher.

luke 6.40