student

so
in the other room is a dance party.
kids, that is, 7, 6, 5, 4.
if you've ever heard "replay" by iyaz or "single ladies" by beyonce...
i can't stop laughing so i needed to retreat
and shift-

lately
i've been thinking about thinking
[metacognition]
and
i definitely have many friends who are very contemplative
and this intimidates me.
i feel like i have nothing to offer before people so much more educated than i.

jesus, to be defined by you alone.
to care less and less about the opinions and values of the world.

i feel quite small.
not insignificant.
but-
maybe humbled.
learning that i avoid taking strong positions because i fear conflict (ah, my 9ness).
what if people disagree and i can't defend myself?
[this wonderful pride runs so deep]
i imagine that the greatest outcome of such an interaction would be that i would learn exactly which direction i need to turn next to seek insight. because, you see, i'll never be finished learning.
i pegged a friend as a "forever student" like christian used to say (and probably still does) of himself
but i should be a forever student.
i should expect to be a student. forever.
where do i get off thinking that there is ever this destination that i will reach where i'll no longer lack any knowledge or wisdom?
i will have to get used to saying
i just don't know.
but i want to.
and i want to be like my Teacher.

luke 6.40