expended

lindsey made me do it
she made me run
that's what i keep telling people
and myself
because if i'm doing it for someone else i can tolerate it
normally
i hate running
and my last memory prior to this summer
was running the warrior dash with all of my brother and sisters (that part was actually quite wonderful)
but with some sort of respiratory ailment
one that almost killed me at the first water obstacle
when i didn't realize that the far side of that first barrel was bottomless lake
i was all the way under
and came up terrified
just barely grabbing enough air to keep me going to the sand
and 2 more miles of squishy tennis shoes
complete with climbing and crawling obstacles
then the finish line
where kristi and i looked at eachother and agreed -
i hate running. i'm never doing it again.
but then lindsey made me do it
and i got the app
and i started [at least] trying
but before i knew it
i kind of liked it
the rush of meeting the next goal,
seeing the progress,
working toward something that i'll share with a small group of friends
friends who are as much family as friends
so i keep trying and improving
[except for today - i definitely walked some today]
and i'm able to say that i'm loving running
if we're getting technical though
i'm loving the first mile and the completely expended feeling when the 3+ miles are passed
those other miles in between are a blur - a miserable blur
diluted by matt chandler and andy grammer and iin lectures, thankfully
but the end result always seeps satisfaction and victory and pride
and i'm glad that
lindsey made me do it.

30

this year i started studying nutrition, a dream i've had ever since brooke told me about iin 7 years ago
and i must say that next to Jesus i've never believed in something more
this - this training in order to help other people -
this is fun for me and i've received encouragement from trusted friends that this is a good fit
as well as confirmation via peace, and so much joy in the learning process
i'm thankful
and God has made it clear to me that for now this is in large part what i should be investing my heart into
and the little ones that are my responsibility from breakfast to dinnertime
He's mentioned the possibility of an added responsibility for little hearts
but before i say anything more about that i wait to see what comes out of a few upcoming conversations.
i have a new home with a dear friend
and this place is mine for the long term if i so choose and that feels good.
this year i learned that i love to drive
i love roadtrips to see friends and to explore this country
st. louis and minneapolis at least, idaho to come
i've seen 2 of my girls finish high school and plan for the next adventure
my family will welcome twin babies!! in december...or november
this year we'll send nathan and jana off to oxford, both reluctantly and joyfully
and ben and jeanne to alaska
and God, He's not going anywhere
i've learned more of His steadfastness and the joy of remaining steadfast in trusting Him.

but if i'm really honest,
30 was not a milestone that i was excited to reach
i expected to feel like such an adult by 30
you know the same way you looked up to the seniors in high school
when you were a short, skinny, greasy-haired freshman
and they were all tall and beautiful with their curled hair and contact lenses,
all loud and laughing in the hallways while you secretly cowered as you had to pass by them on your way to the science hall
but then you get to senior year and you notice how little those wide-eyed freshmen are
but you realize that you don't feel the way that you thought seniors were supposed to feel,
that you don't feel as tall and beautiful and confident as they think you are
but also
that that doesn't detract from where you indeed are,
the responsibility and the gift of years and added wisdom
and then you get over yourself a little bit
and realize that you're not as important as you think you are
you're priceless and loved and gifted in impacting so many of those who are looking up to you
if you can stop long enough to see what you can offer
rather than wasting your time asking why the things you want haven't materialized
so i've had to stop and ask for God's help in changing my attitude
and to open my eyes to see the freshmen looking up at me
and to pray that i can help them to see Jesus a little more clearly
and to love Him more for always
because this is so much of my purpose and i've always known that.

"we are doing more good than we know, sowing seeds, starting streamlets, giving men true thoughts of Christ, to which they will refer one day as the first things that started them thinking of Him;
and of my part, i shall be satisfied if no great mausoleum is raised over my grave, but that souls shall gather there when i am gone and say, 'he was a good man; he wrought no miracles,
but he spoke words about Christ,
which led me to know Him for myself.'"
-george matheson

rose-hue

and then everything began to look different
when the rose-hue faded to transparent
and the self-imposed plans melted to a wick and a flicker and a threadline of smoke
the plans, stuffed into a box, shelved alongside numerous other plans made from limited understanding
but the dreams
the dreams only grew larger
and more real
with each passing day

point

she points me to christ, you say
who is this christ?, i ask
this christ who encourages deceit
this christ who delights in the breaking of the family
this christ who contradicts Himself
this christ who lives to satisfy only Himself
this christ who pursues instant [self] gratification
this christ who repels any accountability
this christ who has much to prove
this christ who strives to protect his own reputation
this christ who keeps a firm grasp on every last bit of his pride
this christ who runs after sexual gratification
this christ who lives in a sea of confusion and chaos

this christ? i don't know him.

but i know of satan, liar, deceiver.
he sounds like your "christ"
i caution you, dear one,
to know the voice of your Father
know His Words
know them for yourself
discern between the voice of truth
and the voice of falsehood
the voice of wisdom
and that of that woman in [proverbs 5],
who tells you what your itching ears long to hear

but the true Christ, He is a father to the fatherless
[and He'll fill both your shoes and His]
the true Christ, the One the Bible speaks about,
there is no falsehood in Him
and His eyes are too pure to look on evil
He says, delight in the wife of your youth
He took the Church as His forever bride to display a picture of faithfulness
even in suffering, to the point of death, because His love saw nothing of selfishness
the true Christ,
He's the God of all peace
who satisfies the mind that is fixed on Him
there's no life apart from Him [john 15]
because only He holds the words of eternal life [john 6]

we always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. for we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that His life may also be revealed in our mortal body...
therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. so we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. [2 corinthians 4]

i pray that He, the real Christ, is your greatest treasure,
that you're willing to sacrifice now, temporarily,
for joy, for redemption, for reconciliation,
for the prize that will last for always.

alone

i see you
i see that loud personality that vies for attention at every turn
i see that smile, perpetual, and in so many ways, genuine
because you love people, being around them, learning about them,
laughing with them
but i also see you when you go back to your apartment at the day's end
and you're alone
you distract yourself
with books, movies, social media,
but no real joy
not the kind with roots that run deep
immovable in the unshakable rock that is your sure foundation too.
we've talked about these things in the early morning hours
you listened curiously when i shared my heart with you
and then you shared, i was honored to be let into this space,
but you kept some of those rooms in your heart locked, dark, secret
and i wondered then what it would take
and neil [most credible and humble to speak about suffering]
used to tell me that so-often young people need life experiences and suffering and time
and the maturity that results from all of these
before they can understand
we can't make you to know what we know
just like those ahead of me can't make me to know what they know [though i wish]
you're on your own journey
and i know that God will give you that gift of suffering and time
He'll let you experience real depths
real levels to which you have no choice but to engage
and the distractions just won't suffice anymore
i know that He'll teach you who He is and how worthy He is of every bit of you
He'll walk you back into those most-painful places
He'll ask you to put words to how you felt then and how you feel now
and no amount of fun or people or alcohol or drama or affirmation from those people
will heal the memories
you're not alone dear one
and your Father -
He knows what you need.
and i promise you that He's trustworthy.

common

dear brother,
thank you
for talking with me
kind and curious as you were
for sharing with me your heart for discipleship
and faithfulness
in a house of humility,
for laughing with me
as we listed
all of the people that make our world so small,
common ground.
thank you for reminding me of that standard
that i've had for so long,
that i've been gradually letting go of
and reminding me that no level of settling is necessary.
like elijah
when he thought he had exhausted all other options
God reminded him
there are 7000 still,
and i believe Him again.
thank you for giving me a few hours of your time
for honoring me,
for listening.
talking with you was a breath of fresh air
a little hope infused back into my soul
thank you for your words
and thank you for tea.

it's an honor
to be at a place with God where He doesn't cater to my need for all of those feelings
feelings of His presence in my life
feelings of happiness
feelings of satisfaction, having received what i asked for
i'm grateful
that at this point in my journey with Him
i depend on the history,
the one that He's written,
more than on my present circumstances.
His story from the first accounts of the creation of the world,
and my entrance into His story,
from the first recollections i have of life under this sun
up until the present moment
it's an honor to be counted worthy
to be trusted with the deepest of truths
when my circumstances change or disappoint
or leave me feeling lonely, dissatisfied, or hopeless
i can still cling to
the Rock that is higher than i
for in this is all my value, and my joy.
when the unshakable Rock raws the hands but the grip remains firm,
when everything apart from this Rock is shaken,
these hands, this body, this soul+mind+heart
is satisfied with everything it could ever need

and thank you, my precious Jesus,
for responding 'no' when my request for emotionalism is childish
when i'm asking for some impulsive form of assurance that you're present
or some confirmation that you are indeed good
when you've proved yourself to only, always be so

i count it an honor to be told no
when i already know
that You know
what i need