Love

"and i remember her eyes shining on a cloudy day, golden skin, my prayers lifted, O Lord, all i see in her is you..."

"All of Me", by Nathan and Jana English

www.myspace.com/nathanandjanaenglish

Reality

I'm coming back.
For the past 2ish years, i've been living with this pseudo-sense of control.
I'm talking about facebook. and myspace. and countless other ways of thinking that i have control over what's going on around me.
And i don't think I want to feel like I have control over much of anything anymore.
I've been reading in Psalms, and in 1 Samuel, and in Isaiah, and Romans, and Malachi, and Ephesians...and i can't wait to read more and more and more...and i've realized that real control only ever exists when it's God's.
And all of the people who were the amazing people that we know as "heroes of the faith" were the people they were because they relinquished control and stepped into true reality.
This reality is that we cross the paths of other people- but we do this most genuinely and most passionately in person, in everyday cirucmstances, as God presents opportunities- so to dwell in the realm of actuality, the way He intended it, meant (for me) that facebook needed to be deactivated. and myspace.
it took some arguing between Him and I. But I like this :) the communicating with the One who's in charge of it all...and then i feel ridiculous for even thinking about arguing...
and I just don't know how much I am capable of loving Him, but I know that the more I cut out of my life, the more I can find out...and it is in this direction that I'm committed to walk.

So its here on this journey that I am wide-eyed, expectant, and curious, intrigued, eager to see what each new day holds.

Change

This is who i want to be.

Joy

It is about time that this blog becomes what it was intended for- to be a testimony of everything that God is in and through my life.

Up until now it has been a little bit of all sorts of things. A place for me to share what God’s doing, but also a place for me to tell people what to do, a place for me to ask for prayer and a place for me to make myself look good.

But who I really am supposed to be is a woman who is confident, yet humble because of what Christ has done in my life. And it’s this perfect balance that I am striving for, that I have come to accept I may never fully know until I see Him.

The Christmas Eve service last night was all about bringing gifts before Jesus, giving testimony of what our lives are because of Him. I didn’t share in front but if I did, this is what I would say:
He has changed everything. This baby that was born to live, and love, and serve, and teach, and suffer, and die, has offered me a part in this script that He’s been writing since He created the world. And He offered it to me since June 12, 1985, and I’m just now learning what it means to have accepted the part that He has assigned me. It means that He has opened my eyes to reality- to what really is, not just what the world defines as reality- sex (outside of a Christ-centered marriage), alcohol, drugs, fashion, self-centered relationships, etc… This reality is that He is the only thing that has ever and will ever fill a void. And this huge change that has taken place in my heart is that He has taken my old desires and replaced them with ones that scream of life- and joy- and peace- and happiness. And it’s these things that so many people are trying and trying and trying for, but I have them because I gave up trying.

And sitting in my room right now I could scream because of how different my life is from 5 years ago. I was just like any other person that didn’t know. Sure, I was saved. But like Marcia said last night, to be saved is one thing, but to know Him- to really know you know Him- is something so much more fulfilling.

And I have that.

I don’t care what I look like.

I don’t care how “cool” any one thinks I am. I’m pretty sure there weren’t many people who thought Jesus was cool…

And the greatest thing is that my desire is no longer to fit in. My greatest desire is to be around people that LOVE Jesus with everything they have- even if this means they have to give up everything they have to follow Him.

And I am SO thankful for these people that He has place in my life to reflect Himself. And these are the kinds of people that I most enjoy being around, because I can fully be myself- this self that I’ve been describing. And its hard sometimes because my dream is to be able to fully be me around my own family. And I guess this is what prayer is for. I keep hoping and dreaming and praying, even if I have to cry about it- often. But my God is huge. And so I trust because

I. have. no. other. choice.

And I am weak, and helpless when it comes to most of the things I want most in this world, but because He’s not, I have joy.

And this makes me even more glad that my parents saw fit to stick that precious little 3-letter word between my first and last name.

Speechless

(an old Fb note)

Today I learned...What life is supposed to be about.

You would think I would have known this by now.

My life feels like one big mass of confusion and frustration.

I sat down like David in Psalm 139:23-24 and asked Him.

Unable to think on one thing for much time at all, my mind racing, I just fell face down in worship.

And it was there amidst the tears, carpet, the smell of a dune grass candle, the dim light, baskets of laundry waiting to be put away, and Hillsong, that everything lined up. Finally.

I feel irresponsible to not allow myself to worry about all this stuff, but I think I need to break this way more often.

God, I am so desperate for you, and I’m sorry its so easy for me to dwell on what I am thinking and feeling, when worship is the only thing that will really free me.

And that’s what I want. Freedom.

I want to walk by the Spirit and do the things He’s asking of me. And I want to love it.

And I think that the more I spend my time living my life in light of everything He’s done and everything He is, what else could I possibly expect?

So, this is the first of many days where I’ll be saying “Forget my problems and frustrations and confusion... I want to know Him. I want to be increasingly humbled by Him.“ And it changes everything in an instant. And I want the Body of Christ to experience this amazing amazing amazing...ness.

Lord, you’re holy, and you’re mighty, and sovereignly in control of all things. And you love me. And I am absolutely accepting that. Thank you for putting me (and my “problems”) in my place, and thank you for the little seemingly tiny ways that you remind me of your presence and power.

I'm speechless.

Somebody.

For the longest time, I’ve battled against this desire that I have to be seen and respected by others. And for the longest time I’ve fought because I have thought that it is wrong for me to want to be admired.

But it was by this in Psalm 31 that God changed my mind:

“How great is your goodness,
which you have stored up for those who fear you,
which you bestow in the sight of men
on those who take refuge in you.”

In the sight of men…for those who fear you…those who take refuge in you…

But then I’m discovering that when it is for the Name of Jesus that I desire these things, it can’t be wrong. They do, however, need direction.

I have a passion to be respected in whatever community I am a part of.

But I have this passion because I want Jesus, to know Him, to be known by Him, to look like Him in a world that needs His presence so badly, to love Him by feeding His sheep.

So yeah, I want to be somebody, but by being nobody. I want to be somebody because I want to be like Jesus and He will become more as I become less.
One.
Step.
At.
A.
Time.

Direction

You're looking for direction.
You're asking- daily- what you are supposed to be doing with your life.
You're frustrated because you feel like you have no options and not even a hint of what you should be doing.
The question is of calling.
The question is asking what your life's purpose is.
The question, that you keep asking, has such a simple simple answer that I don't think you've considered. Or- if you have considered it, I don't think you are considering taking steps toward that solution.
Am I right?
And the thing is that you've tried, I think for years now, to figure out this direction thing on your own. But you need Him.
And you don't like this.
I'm really sorry that you are so unattracted to the only possible remedy to your suffering.
I am broken on your behalf- because this must feel hopeless. Hope-less.
I often wonder how I would feel if I wouldn't allow myself to turn to Him, to dump everything off onto Him, to cry to Him, to relinquish control to Him, to do everything that I do every day because of Him- because He is just the most faithful that I have ever experienced, the most responsible with control, the most accepting of my junk, and the most worthy.
And when I say worthy, I mean- worthy of my life, my plans, my heart, my desires, my day-by-day. All of it.
He is so in control.
His plan is so specifically detailed.
And our problem- our frustrations- exist because either:
we fail to know Him, or
we fail to know patience in waiting for His timing.
It is in knowing Him that you have a foundation for every aspect of life.
And I need you to know that I'm praying for you.
For you to know His desire for relationship- for time- with you.
For you to know His grace and that He's forgiven you through Christ.
That He has so much for you to do- and this is ironic, because as long as you've tried to find one thing to do and to love, He's had thousands of options just waiting for you-
But you will have to work off of that one foundation that will get you there...

Ready

When men (or women, I guess) use the excuse “I’m just not ready for a relationship right now” it is such a cop out.
In reality what he/she means to say is “Hi. I’m just not interested in you.”
Because think about this- if he/she really liked him/her, he/she would at least be adamant about pursuing a friendship.
Maybe money is an issue. Maybe time. Maybe other relationships.
Understandable.
But- if you were really interested in this guy/girl, don’t tell me you would do absolutely nothing about it.

Because I wouldn’t believe it.

Men

L loves her kids more than anything.
J loves their kids as well, but not more than himself.

coming home from work,
he says his hello's,
makes some food,
and heads down to his big screen in the basement.
for the night.

and i hear these stories ALL the time now.
how is this happening?

Men were created to be men.
From history i understand this to mean that men are
providers.
strong.
leaders.
present.
involved.
firm.
gentle.
faithful.
consistent.
loving.

selfless.

but the men of today's world are not this.

i can name a few-
and I thank GOD for these.

and i remind myself:
I will not settle.

Sudden.

okay, so, its just that everything seems to be coming down all at once.
my family.
i hate when it feels like i have a list of things to complain about
and i am pretty good about recognizing that my life is no more crazy or extraordinary than anyone else's on a given day, but this is just one of those.

so first there's my mom's best friend who is dying of cancer. this has been a couple of years now, but i her time is just now drawing to a close and this has been hard to witness. the man she's been married to for at least 30 years wishes she'd die. but she has Jesus- to the full- so its been okay.

then there's my dad. mom called me yesterday. "I just wanted you to know we're going to pick up a truck for dad to use." "Why? What happened to his?" "He was driving, saw a deer, hit a tree, and totalled it." "Mom! Is he okay? He NEVER wears his seat belt....!?" "Yeah, he has a few cuts and bruised ribs, but the airbags went off, so he was okay."
And i'm thinking, 'God, one detail off from the way it happened and i wouldn't have my dad anymore..." Talk about thanksgiving...

then there's my uncle Dale. He had a surgery on his colon last week and was in recovery and apparently came down with an infection in his intestine-
and this morning, exactly a week after his surgery, my aunt made the decision to pull the plug on his life support.
he was her BEST friend in the whole world. they had a great relationship. he knew Jesus though.

and ALL of it just kills me.
and its because i expect things to be perfect.
"Tam, its just that you want heaven," Chelsea says.
and that is the only way i can understand how i feel about it all.
i want to see perfection so badly and to quit witnessing the pain and the sin and the weeping and sorrow and regrets...

Unlock

I was praying last week- about prayer- and this is what He said:

I have these blessings, storehouses of them, and your prayers unlock them.
I don't know if you get this- but I have created you- each of you- so that I can
partner with you to transform you all into people of hope and peace and
love. I have always intended to have this community of people who live life
with my eyes and my heart for the world, people who worship by loving
eachother. So pray. Ask me for things. As long as you desires align with
mine, i cannot wait to give them to you. So pray and pray and pray. Love.
And believe that I am who I say I am.

Sinai

I told Dana that I feel like Elijah, running to a place where I think I can meet with God.
And maybe I have been expecting Him to speak in the powerful wind, or in the earthquake, or in the fire, but let me tell you- He sure hasn't.
So can I get a whisper? A still small voice? Please?

Enter

I've been talking to a friend about worship and what exactly it is that makes a time of worship amazing as opposed to other times.

Worship is this thing that is constantly going on but its always a choice to enter in.
This is why Jesus says that we have to daily deny ourselves and take up our crosses.
Worship is not something that we do. It's who we are.

Deuteronomy

I think God allows different types of desert seasons into our lives.
Some can be overcome by digging hardcore into truth,
some by slowing down and reorganizing your life,
some by prayer and fasting,
and some only by time.
Probably most by all of the above...
This all blows me away- the process of learning it all.
I am coming to think that there are those types of desert times when God simply speaks less loudly, forcing us to work harder to hear Him.
And I think there are those times when, like Job, Satan has to ask God's permission to interfere in our lives and God will allow it.
And I think there are those times when God has to watch us delve into other things, and drift from Him, and eventually conclude- incorrectly so- that God is choosing to be silent.
Desert is time to refocus,
re-prioritize,
return to our first love.
So it is only out of His deep love that God allows us to be led there.
Led.
By the hand.
Into the desert.
To find Him again.

"Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the desert...
to humble you and test you in order to know what was in your heart...
Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son, so the Lord your God disciplines you...
For the Lord your God is bringing you into a good land- a land with streams and pools of water, with springs flowing in the valleys and hills...
When you have eaten and are satisfied...
Be careful that you do not forget the Lord your God...
He led you through the vast and dreadful desert, that thirsty and waterless land, with its venomous snakes and scorpions...
to humble and to test you so that in the end it might go well with you..."

Deuteronomy 8

Spirit.

My prayer for my school is that we might know what it means for prayer and worship to be lead by the Spirit.

We will never know prayer without first learning the importance of hearing God's voice and being sensitive to His leading.

And we just cannot possibly ever grasp worship- the way God desires- until we experience it under the leadership of the Spirit of God.

And this frustrates me.
Because I'm learning to love my school.
But at the same time I'm learning to know God deeper and more genuinely and passionately than I ever have.
And I desperately want that for all of us.

But tradition.
Comfort.
Fear.

This gets in the way.
And I get angry.
And I don't know where to go from here.

Desert

is this place where no matter how hard i try i can't have a good attitude.
i can't be happy.


i can fake it, though. and i do this well.
[although there are those who will always know]


i used to think that no matter what's going on, i could just choose to have a good attitude. i could just choose to dwell on truth. i could just choose to be happy.
and i can do all those things.


but i finally get that no amount of human effort can make the battle any less.


desert is what it is for a reason.


desert 2 |ˈdezərt| |ˈdɛzərt| |ˈdɛzət|
noun: a dry, barren area of land, esp. one covered with sand, that is characteristically desolate, waterless, and without vegetation.
• a lifeless and unpleasant place, esp. one consisting of or covered with a specified substance.
• a situation or area considered dull and uninteresting
adjective [ attrib. ]
like a desert
• uninhabited and desolate


i have to be willing to break down and pursue him in prayer and fasting.
and i'm kind of excited to be here.


the crazy thing about this place is that every time i find myself in the desert, it always feels like the first time i've been here. maybe it's because its always a new experience and because God always reveals a new angle of Himself as a result.


From this definition, I understand that I have to expect to feel: thirsty, hungry, miserable, confused, bored, alone.


Confused. Yes. In one blog, I've managed to express at least 5 conflicting emotions simultaneously. Fabulous.


Alone. Loneliness.
This is the first feeling that overwhelms me when i find myself blindly walking- or am i usually running?- into His Desert.
I start to question all of my friendships, loyalties, love, faithfulness.
Then I start comparing myself and tearing down all that God has built up in me.
And my gut reaction is that I need people.
I need them to fulfill me and complete me and validate me.


I don't like this.

Pieces.

This is what my life is breaking into.
And I'm walking.
Step by step.
Into the Desert.
But it is His.
His Desert.
So I know that the light that shines on the other side is even brighter than the one that's shining now.
But I don't like the in between.
I don't like the emptiness.
In fact I hate it- and I would keep hating it if it weren't for what I've seen Him do in my life before.
In the Desert.
So I cry.
And I get frustrated. Easily.
And I get mad.
And I get selfish.
And I get thirsty.
I get thirsty for relationship.
I want Him more than anything.
And I want my family.
And I want my friends. I want my closest friends to be more available.
And I want that one friend that will always be there.
I want him to be in my life and I don't want to have to wait.
I want that friend that looks at me with those eyes through which he looks at no one else.
I want that person that's always there.
That one person that will always be there- the one that's for me- the one that knows and loves and delights in my heart.
And I want to love him right back.
I want that one consistent person.
I want that heart.
And I don't want to have to wait.

Confident.

God is making me confident.
I know.
It sounds like it is of little importance.

But.

Its changing everything.
Everything.

HE is changing everything.
He is making me free.
He is making me happy.
He is teaching me pure joy.
He is teaching me peace.

I am learning.
To let go of control.
To let go of planning.
To let go of agendas (not irresponsibly so).
To just simply walk by the Spirit and in full confidence of who I am in Christ.

kids

I cannot even begin to describe to you how great it is to have [some of] my family back. Addison and Colin are a blessing- amazing kids. Amazing. And their parents are pretty great too :)

Settling.

I won't.
If you know me, you know this.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't cross my mind.
And i think its normal to think about it.

But.

What is a relationship?
Is it simply spending time with someone because both of you are available and have a few things in common?
Or is it investing in someone who you can't believe is as amazing as he/she really is?

Or does my whole confusion come down to standards?

I get frustrated when I see people who are dating just to date.
Maybe that's not fair.
Maybe its just that i need to accept the fact that not everyone has the standards that i have and that what i consider settling is completely the opposite so some people.

Maybe its about time that I stop thinking that I set the world's standards.

But.

I do think there is something to be said about standards.
I think the reason that I think so often that people are settling is that I so desperately want people to be constantly raising their standards.

See. I'm a lover, not a hater.
I have this heart for everyone to be so in love with Jesus that the kind of person he or she is looking for looks just like Him.

Why can't we pursue to be those kinds of people that look like Jesus so that people will desire to be in relationship with us because we point them to Him?

I just can't help but think- no, know- that this would dramatically change our families, our communities, our churches.

More to say on this...later.

Desperate

Do you know why He gives and takes away? Because He LOVES you! He wants nothing more than to remove death and replace it with life.

Rod also said that sometimes- maybe even oftentimes- He has to beg God to wreck him.

I’m asking for this too. I can’t live in my own strength. I hate myself far too often. I want to be like Jesus. I am so desperate for God, so in need of everything that He has and is, that all day I’ve been humbled.

And while I hate feeling so incredibly hungry and so thirsty for things that I cannot provide for myself, I love feeling this desperate for Him.

I love feeling humbled by my weaknesses.



Desperate: in great need of, urgently requiring, in want of; eager for, longing for, yearning for, hungry for, crying out for; informal dying for.

Jesus, I am in great need of You.
I am urgently requiring You.
I am in want of You.
I am eager for You.
I am longing for You.
I am yearning for You.
I am hungry for You.
I am crying out for You.
I am dying for You.

I need you. I need you more than I’ll ever need anything else in my life. I’ll never need you less. I’ll need you until the day I die. I’ll never have enough. I AM desperate for YOU.

Him

I’ve been dreaming- literally dreaming- about a prayer loft.

And that may be all I have to say about that for now because God has shown me nothing beyond one picture.

But can I just say that I’m really learning to love Him?
So much more than I ever could have imagined.
And I hardly have a choice in the matter.
When someone is this real, this present, this active in my life and only ever loves, encourages, and leads, it ceases to be a choice.
I just love Him.
And I want more of Him.
I’m hungry, thirsty, desperate all at once.
And I have no control.
I have no plans.
I have no default or back-up.
And for once, I don’t feel like I need it.
When someone is in love, nothing else really matters…

Control

At prayer last night, Tony had us meditate on John 14:6…

Jesus answered, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life…no one comes to the Father except through me.”

As usual, God started to convict me about some things in my life. Control. This is one.
Living sold out for Jesus. No holds barred. No restrictions, limitations, or requirements. Is this me? Not yet.

I’ve been living this life…for Him…ish.

It’s like…have you ever gone running…on a slope? And I don’t mean running uphill or downhill, I mean trying to run horizontally across a hill. Its awkward, and its far more work than on a straightaway. Its unbalanced. One leg is stressed much more than the other and its just not natural.

We go through life trying- but never succeeding- to balance this need for control with this lack of control.

I think we never succeed here because we weren’t created to have control. We were created to look to the one who does and live out 2 Corinthians 10:9-12.

And it isn’t until we realize and accept this hopeless battle and then surrender to it, that we get anywhere in life.

So I’ve been keeping a death grip on a few things- none of which I’m willing to name- although many of you know- and God’s been sneaking them from me. He’s subtle, and gentle, and sly…and I appreciate that. But at times He tears things from me- quickly and painfully- granted, much less painfully than it would have been slowly- but when is it enjoyable to watch the “control” ebb away?

Nannying

These are my kids for the summer- Abby and Brady.

Hmm...

I'm really not good at this blog thing.

Worship

Today I learned
What life is supposed to be about.
You would think I would have known this by now.
My life feels like one big mass of confusion and frustration.
I sat down like David in Psalm 139:23-24 and asked Him.
Unable to think on one thing for much time at all, my mind racing, I just fell face down in worship.
And it was there amidst the tears, carpet, the smell of a dune grass candle, the dim light, baskets of laundry waiting to be put away, and Hillsong, that everything lined up. Finally.
I feel irresponsible to not allow myself to worry about all this stuff, but I think I need to break this way more often.
God, I am so desperate for you, and I’m sorry its so easy for me to dwell on what I am thinking and feeling, when worship is the only thing that will really free me.
And that’s what I want. Freedom.
I want to walk by the Spirit and do the things He’s asking of me. And I want to love it.
And I think that the more I spend my time living my life in light of everything He’s done and everything He is, what else could I possibly expect?
So, this is the first of many days where I’ll be saying “Screw my problems and frustrations and confusion. I want to know Him. I want to be increasingly humbled by Him.“ And it changes everything in an instant. And I want the Body of Christ to experience this amazing amazing amazing,,,ness.
Lord, you’re holy, and you’re mighty, and sovereignly in control of all things. And you love me. And I am absolutely accepting that. Thank you for putting me (and my “problems”) in my place, and thank you for the little seemingly tiny ways that you remind me of your presence and power.
I’m speechless.

Life

So life-
is-
everything He said it would be.

Subconscious

One thing I love and fear is when I catch myself vocalizing subconscious truths.
Today, I said, "God, I'm so excited about what you have in store. And I just want to love you..."
I'm desperate.
And excited.

Apathy

I realized today that haven’t been allowing myself time to assess my life as much as I have been in the past months.

I’m not sure if I’m afraid to be alone with my thoughts, or if I’m afraid to be alone with God and hear what he has to say- they go hand in hand, I guess.

Maybe I’m just so sick of spending so much time checking my heart and my motivation for doing things, which makes me feel so much more selfish.

But then a few weeks ago, God blessed (still trying to decide if it’s a blessing) me with the start of this season where I am more content than I’ve ever been. I have always thought that God calls us to be content, but these past few weeks, I’ve been there, and its no easier.

Contentment breeds complacency and apathy.

I’ve found myself, lately, in conversation with various people who share that they are struggling with life, with God, with people, relationships.

I’m jealous.

I never thought I’d be here. I always thought that if God would “bless” me with a content and easy season in life, I would absolutely bask in it, and that He could use me more than he ever has to be a blessing to other people.
But this isn’t the case. Apathetic is the only word that can describe where I am.
apathetic
adjective
an apathetic workforce uninterested, indifferent, unconcerned, unmoved, uninvolved, disinterested, unemotional, emotionless, dispassionate, lukewarm, unmotivated, halfhearted; informal couldn't-care-less; rare Laodicean.

Laodicean?! That cuts deep. Flashbacks to prayer group last semester. I am NOT okay defining myself as Laodicean. I am not content if I am so disgusting to Jesus that he would spit me out of His mouth.

But then I let myself survey the situation. If I want to be the opposite of how I feel, I am afraid that I need to ask for brokenness. And what scares me is that I’ve done this before- the first week of my DTS in Israel, and He broke me- and changed me- more than I have ever experienced. But then I think I would need Jemimah. I would have to talk a trip to England and stay with Mimes for a few weeks, let God break me while Jemimah reads me like a book, prays for me, shares Scripture with me and encourages me like last time…

Emotionless, dispassionate, uninvolved. So so so not okay with me. But brokenness is equally unattractive. The only difference being that when I look ahead to what is in store months from now, only one path will make me more like Christ. And I can’t seem to get off of this verse from Hebrews:

“Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, WHO FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE HIM ENDURED THE CROSS, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

…So I can’t figure out if the solution to my problem is to simply seek seek seek Him even though I’m feeling apathetic, or if I need to be desperate for brokenness.

For now, I’m diving into the book of Joshua and making the shift back toward worship music. I think that music has a bigger voice than I used to think. The 3 cd’s on in my cd player are Reik, Colbie Caillat, and Rascall Flatts. None of these are all that direct in pointing me to my Jesus. I have to wonder if a simple change here would make a difference.

So if its on your heart- or even if its not, I’d love for you to pray for me. Maybe you can relate. Maybe you will someday.

And if I can pray for you, let me know.

Prayer

Gods’ Word speaks SO loudly. The Jews say that there are 70 faces to every scripture. I believe it.

Luke 9 says of Jesus, “As he was praying, the appearance of his face changed, and his clothes became as bright as a flash of lightening.” This was the transfiguration. Rod says that Jesus was transformed as he spent time in God’s presence.

But I had to wonder how could Jesus change in any way that makes him any more perfect or any more God? I think its that because he was human, he was still limited in the capacity he had to understand God’s love for him, just maybe.

And so when we read these verses that talk about being changed by prayer and finding God when we pray, I have to understand that not to mean necessarily that our problems will be fixed or that we’ll learn large sums of information that we never knew, but that God will remove a few more of the scales from our eyes and our hearts each time we humbly seek him in prayer and that he will increase our capacity to understand his love for us.

And I guess then, that it is exactly that which I want more than anything else- to know how much I am loved by Him. And as a result of knowing, I am confident that everything else will fall right into place. And you know what? All I really want is to live the life that God intended for me to live, to do the work that he intended for me to do, and to be the blessing that he intended for me to be. I want that, and in order to have that, I need to know how much he loves me and to really know that, I need to know him. To know him, I absolutely need to be devoted to prayer.

But I struggle with prayer. I get burnt out quickly. I tend to get bored. Then I have to ask, how could Jesus pray and fast for 40 days and 40 nights? People say that’s an easy question- he’s God. Yeah, but what about what Philippians says- “he made himself nothing” and I think another translation says, “he emptied himself.” So he WAS God- yes- but he chose to put aside the things that made him God so that he could taste the life that we do. So for him, acting in human strength, to ceaselessly seek God for almost 6 weeks- I have to wonder- what is there to prayer that we’re missing?!

And can prayer really get boring? If prayer is meeting with God, what is it that I’m not getting? There is nothing dull or monotonous, dry or stale about who God is…

Seasons

I’m just always thinking. Sometimes it stresses me out how much I think. My mind can seem to keep me trapped like some crazy little prison.

But the more I think about thinking- there’s a word for this- the more I am able to again distract myself from just simply thinking.

So I force myself.

Sometimes its as simple as turning off the radio in the car and putting down the cell phone.

Sometimes it involves retreating to the prayer garage for an hour or so.

Other times, like now, it works best to just sit alone at home, in my room, on my rarely-empty couch, with my computer (having no wireless internet is a blessing in disguise) and to write whatever comes to my mind.

Do you ever have seasons in your life when you think that a particular person is absolutely amazing? So you spend, if you’re honest, hours each day thinking about that person, praying about him and for him. Then at the end of however long that period of time lasts, you realize how ridiculous the whole thought was.

But our God is the God of Redemption. He takes what you thought was the most embarrassing and stupid, immature and senseless waste of your time and thoughts and finally then, once you’ve chosen to let go of that, He shows you how much He’s grown you as a result. He reminds you of how you wrestled with Him, like Jacob, and how much He loved and loves that. He lets you finally see how much He’s changed you. He restates that He loves you and has a plan, and you feel like yourself again.

It usually isn’t too long until someone else comes along consuming your attention- and that person is amazing too. And its not wrong to want to surround yourself with people like him, but the cycle begins again. Wrestling. Impatient. Learning. Learning. Learning.

I am learning to love these seasons that frustrate me the most. I feel like God is letting me understand time, in a sense, the way he does. Like Jesus, how Hebrews says, “for the joy set before him, he endured the cross…” I feel like there’s times in my life where amidst the crappiest stuggles, I can choose to take on this attitude and life for the joy set before me. It’s by the grace of God alone. I know this.

I think often about motives and about the things that we think, but don’t share with anyone. Sometimes it scares me to even let myself think about where my heart is most of the time. I am so selfish. I really am.Life seems to be all about me. I hate this. But another thing I find is that the more I am willing to admit this to God and to my family, and to my good friends, the more free I am of it. Its this huge power of Truth and Light. Learning to be really honest, not only with myself, but with people too- the ones that know me and the ones that I have to face on a daily basis.

So I try to be aware of who I am and what drives me. The really important thing for me is that when I catch myself at the point that I’m realizing something that I really hate about myself, I don’t allow myself to respond the natural way by shifting my focus. You know. The old turn on the radio, go clean something, go shopping, get on the computer…I keep my focus and let God speak. And it often hurts. It often requires me to sit down and journal about it or to write Katie a huge email all about things that she claims she loves to read- and I love her for it.

Here is something that I insist on:
Know who you are and what motivates you.
Quit being afraid of it.
Don’t run from it!
You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge (Dr.P.M.).
Know that you’re not at a point of completion yet and be okay with it.
Bask in the process of it.
Be changed.
Live with this motto: “With God’s help, I shall become myself” (Soren Kirkegaard).
Love Him.

Girls.

(this is an old note, but still very much me...)

I’m not one of those people who is very good at posting notes for multitudes of people to see, nor do i really enjoy putting myself out there- on facebook of all places- but this is something that i didn’t feel i should keep to myself.

I’m sure we’re all well aware that we are constantly comparing ourselves to other people, specifically other girls. as a result we feel inadequate- in just about everything. chances are that if you feel inadequate about one thing, insecurity will spread into other areas of your life as well.
we have dreams and desires. most if not all of us dream of getting married. most of us dream of having a family.
just so you know-
the type of man you should want is one who is wholeheartedly pursuing God.
if you’re looking for a man that is desperate for you and your attention and affection, you’re headed towards a relationship with no stability,
because you will fail him.
you will make mistakes, and as long as you are what is filling that emptiness within him, you better be perfect. (ex. 20:3- i’ve found that even people can become ‘gods’ to us.)
but- if you are looking for a man that loves you as a companion, a partner, a best friend but is desperate for God more than anything else, you’ve found a man who has an invincible strength through his own weakness. (2 cor. 12: 9-10)

something that i’m learning is this:
(not that i’ve totally accepted it yet- aren’t we all in process?)
i, you, we have absolutely no justifiable right to feel inadequate. (gal. 6:4, eph. 2:10, gen. 1:27)
how often do you (i) forget that you have been created in and are continuing to be recreated in the image of God? how often do we forget that we have a relationship with the one and only God, who has been, is and will be in control of all things for all of eternity? we fail to accept that....

back to the whole comparing thing, something that i feel God is so desperate to communicate to each one of us:
“YOU- insert your name (because you know he knows YOU by name and is constantly speaking to you)- were in my thoughts since before the creation of the world... YOU are unlike every other person who has ever existed...YOU think like no one else...YOU treat people the way no one else does...YOUR relationship with me is like no one else’s...your passions, likes, dislikes, don’t compare to any one else’s...I created you with a purpose and such a specific plan that you have no options but to watch and see what I desire to do in and through your life.

i was talking with a friend and we were processing through what ‘obedience’ means. she started telling me what she felt God calling her to, and she was describing to me how she was choosing to be obedient to that.
i started feeling guilty that i wasn’t out there doing the amazing things she was, but also fearing that God was going to call me to those types of things and that’s when he hit me with the truth of it:
my relationship with him is (and has to be) so separate, so individual, so unique to me and my circumstances, personality, and heart that i don’t have the right to try to compare for a moment the details of who he has made me to be with who he has made someone else to be.
yup, there are alot of amazing women out there- and God’s desire for you, when you see those women out there pursuing his heart, is to be challenged and encouraged, not inadequate, inferior, or jealous...

Isaiah 43: 4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.

We have been blessed to be a blessing. I prayed before I posted this asking God if he wanted to encourage someone through it, and i know he does... so be encouraged. take his words to heart and walk in confidence. you are loved by the One whose love matters most...